Saturday, June 26, 2010

how do you know?

when a blog is finished
or when a blog is right
or when a post will make someone cringe
or cry

i always had this idea about starting a blog
i don't know why
i have never really been a writer
and i hate hate hate to journal

i made my website
but it sat still and blank for so long

then that awful
situation happened with my oldest
my baby
that tore our family apart

i got the urge
i felt i needed to write down my feelings
and i don't even know if anyone reads this thing
does it matter
am i doing for myself
or for other people

do i want other parents to know
how we struggle
how often
families who might look good on the outside
are sick on the inside

that was our family's struggle
with the whole mental illness issue

karen looks good
she gets good grades
she doesn't drink or party
she is calm in the outside world
at home
she fell apart
and sometimes still does
but nobody sees that

so we looked like
a perfect family
3 beautiful girls
2 lovely parents
who all care about each other
then nobody knows
what goes on behind closed doors

crying myself to sleep
some nights
worried i was doing something wrong
that i was a horrible mother
that i was a bad wife
that i was ignoring my friends
because i couldn't answer the phone
or return emails
just because
i didn't have the energy

how do i know
that i did the right thing
that i started this blog
to write about real life
i ended up writing about our family's problems
how do i know
if that was what i was supposed to do

should i share this
with my friends and family
what if i upset someone
with something i said
what if i upset my children
even though i used fake names

how and i supposed to know
if i did the right thing

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

school is OUT

i never thought this day would come
this school year is over

it has been hell
pure hell
since day one of this year

school starting
and only 2 girls for the first day picture
that just killed me

karen being gone for the first 6 weeks of school
just made me sick

lucy being accused of cheating
and then being bullied
by the teachers
and the administration
just about
threw me over the edge

and that was only in the first 2 months
i thought it would get better
but it didn't

the year just never really caught up
lucy was an emotional mess
all year long
she had lost trust in those teachers
and the administration
her grade was being told
that they were the worst
boys were kicked out
because of cyber bullying
girls were talking about it
all the time
the teachers never gave them a break
lucy never felt good about herself
that knocked me down too
how could this great kid
who usually loved life
and everyone in it
get the wind knocked out of her so much

karen felt better
but there was this underlying feeling
that her bad moods would return
she felt it
i felt it
her sisters felt it
and her dad
we have been on edge all year
walking on eggs

bethany just wasn't herself
high school was difficult
adding to it that
her big sister had all these problems
and her little sister
wanted to be her own person
and all her friends
they wanted to party
and she didn't
she wasn't sure where she fit in
she wanted to have friends
she made VERY GOOD decisions
so Jeff and I stayed home often with her
on weekend nights
when her other sisters
were both out somewhere
we didn't care
we told her how smart she was
and how much we could believe in her

it was a horrible year
and I am SO GLAD
it is over

let the summer begin!