Friday, December 25, 2009

"trip" for the new year

have things been so calm I have not written much
I could say it again

I don't want to jinx myself
because we are going on a trip tomorrow
a trip
not a vacation
a week long stay in Mexico
you may think it is a vacation
but it is not
we are staying in one house
with my mom
my dad
my brother
his wife
and their three boys

12 people
and we just had one of our children
come home from a 2 month stay in a residential treatment center
and this part of the family
is still in denial about it

so my husband has not been pleased to begin with
and then again
neither have I

then we found out our plane leaves at 7 am
in the morning
a car is arriving at 5 am
since we are traveling internationally
and we don't even have a straight flight
we live in dallas
with an international airport
we are traveling on points
of my parents
and these tickets were booked
10 months ago
and a straight-through flight
was not even available then

I digress
we are all worried
we have not all been together
for over a year
and the last time
did not end well
when Karen had one of her meltdowns
a big one
right before a rafting trip
that my husband and I did not get to go on either
we had to drive her
back to the condo
30 minutes away
with her screaming
and kicking

she is scared too
she is not sure how she is going to react
I told her we are there for her
we will not leave her alone
either her daddy or me
will be with her at all times

I am worried
I am worried about her
about my husband
he is not a good traveler anyway
and then this
not being his idea
will make him worse
I want to put a xanax in his coffee in the morning

I am worried about me
my mother
my father
and their cluelessness
if that is even a word
they still don't realize that
Karen was in a mental hospital
they thought it was just a place
for kids with problems
doctors and nurses
watching them 24/7
checking the bedrooms every
15 minutes with a flashlight
that sounds like camp@@

and I worry about my brother
and his family
who have avoided this issue at all costs

they will see her
think she looks good
and they will just go on
and pretend nothing happened

but it did
and it is so good right now
I just don't want it to get worse

I can only hope my worry is for nothing
but until
it is over
I will never know

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

a month

things have gotten better every day
I had my first birthday in almost 5 years
without any tears
by me

it is the first one I can remember
without any drama
or that I haven't put on my pajamas
and gone to bed
because I was so dissapointed
with the behavior of one of my children
usually it was Karen
but sometimes it was the combination
of the whole thing
and even my husband didn't always help

the point is
Karen is making progress
so much progress
that she does not even realize it
every day she is pushing herself
and feeling so proud
for the first time in her life
she is maturing
and becoming confident
it is amazing to watch

it is amazing what she is doing
she has made such great strides
her father and I are in awe of her
her sisters are so proud of her
I love seeing her smile
when she is proud of herself

She seriously does not realize how much
she has changed
she started driving
she had made plans with other kids
she is feeling confident at school
she took her finals
she got anxious
but she acted out physically
and not with rage
and THAT is a huge improvement

she still gets nervous
sick to her stomach
and dizzy
but I feel
it is when she is still unsure of herself
and when she is doing so much

she looks so good too
one of her medications last year
caused a tremendous weight gain
the med did help
but at the cost of her looks
which upset her in a different way
now she has lost weight
and I made her throw away
some old jeans

I can tell she is proud
getting ready to pack for our vacation
she was rocking a bathing suit
and she got embaressed
by all the compliments

i bet she was smiling inside
and to me
that is all that matters