Thursday, November 25, 2010

Being Thankful

This year has been a blessed year
I know that I can try to say these things that I am so thankful for
But I am not even sure that I will be able to express myself
As well as I wish to

#1-first and foremost
I am thankful for my husband
His support and love help guide me daily
Without him I would definitely fail
You are my partner and I love you
Thank you for being you

#2-I am thankful for my daughters
Karen-your strength and your maturity has amazed me at moments over this past year
I know you don’t recognize all of these differences
But your smiling face tells a different story
I love you so much, even when you don’t see it, so don’t you ever forget it

Bethany-your intense spirit and independence constantly surprise me
I know how hard these first few months of school have been for you
I am so honored that you were open with me from the beginning
Together we made it work and seeing you laugh and happy again
Makes it all worth it
I love you so much and I trust you, and that is something I can’t even begin to explain

Lucy-after last school year’s horrible beginning, you struggled through
I am so proud of your perseverance in that situation
I think opening all our eyes to all the schools in this city
And having the time to look at them all
Is going to be a great experience
I know all you want in a school is friends and sports
And we will make that happen, and more
I love you and can’t believe my baby is growing up

#3-I am thankful for my parents
Nana & Grandfather
Your unwavering support during this past year and half, and longer
Was noticed in so many ways, even if we couldn’t always express ourselves
The girls know you are always on their sides, good or bad
And that is priceless and beyond worth
Joe and I know that you are there, no matter what
We both love you and care for you, and thank you for everything you have done

#4-I am thankful for my brother in law, sister in law, my only niece, and my special nephew 
Your continuous encouragement and attention has kept us going this year
Even if we felt we couldn’t make it
We can always count on you for beautiful flowers to celebrate the occasion
I love each of you and treasure your cooperation in this mess
I hope you see that and feel it

#5-similar to Lucyi at her candle lighting
I am thankful for myself
Somedays I prove myself wrong and can be strong when I felt weak
Sometimes I shock myself with what I can accomplish
And when there are days that I just want to hide under the covers
I do know you are there if I need you
Sometimes I just don’t know how to ask
Thank you for helping me, giving me the words when I can’t say them myself
And knowing I will come around when it is time

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


it is that time of year...

we always have a party the saturday after
for always
I would say the last 10 years or so

the stock market is open the friday after thanksgiving
so my cute hubby always has to work
so when we moved into our present house
about 12 years ago
we decided to make a tradition
a thank you party
for our family and friends

the first year or so
i would make the appetizers
cooking and cleaning
on friday
since i always host
thanksgiving too

in fact
even the one year i didn't host
i had to cook it
because my kids still wanted it
so i just said
from now on
we will be here
and whoever else can join us

back to the party
i would get a bounce house
a magician
or some sort of
child activity
since at the time
our kids were probably
3, 6 & 8
that they are
13, 16 & 18
extra activities
are not needed
i am much smarter
i order the food
party trays
from Central Market
i keep a list from year to year
what works
what people eat
what people don't eat

one year it snowed
or was really cold
so that year i started ordering coffee
from Starbucks
then a couple of years ago
i started making gallons of hot chocolate
so i can order less coffee
and make more hot cocoa

some of our friends
definitely our family
have come to
look forward to this event
it is really sweet
when my mother in law
tells me that great aunts are calling
because they haven't gotten an invitation yet
they want to make sure
the tradition lives on

the invitation always says the same thing-
"It is that time of year
when we want to give thanks to you
our wonderful friends and family
Please join us as we open our home
to you and your family"
then last year
after Karen's time at the residential treatment center
i added this line-
"We have so much to be thankful for!"
because it was so true
some even said
"now all 5 of us are under the same roof"
and i guess i will need to do that next year
since Karen will be home from college
don't want to think about that now
just want to be thankful
we are all healthy and happy
and we are

Sunday, November 21, 2010

looking at schools

2 down
1 to go

so since the oldest left Greenhill
after 9th grade
then the middlest left Greenhill
after a month into 10th grade
might as well start looking for the littlest
who is in 8th grade right now
we have time
since we don't even want to start that route
into 9th grade
and leaving soon afterward

Poor baby
she was the one with all the school
issues last year
with the head of middle school
and the problem with her language teacher
she practically left last year
but she didn't
we held out
at the time Bethany was going back
she could finish middle school with her friends

now so many of her friends
are talking about leaving
so that helps
there are so many schools
so many options
we have everything open to us
the neighborhood high school
where Bethany goes now
but Lucy doesn't have friends that will go there
the catholic school
where most of her friends want to go
but there aren't
many jews there
and Lucy isn't super comfortable with that
an all girls catholic school
not much better
but many of her school friends like it
another public school
not in our area
but we could work it out
and the jewish school
it is worth a try

she is confused
all she wants is friends and sports
she loves to be part of something
a team
a group of friends
a family
she doesn't act alone
she acts with thoughts of others
so don't ever ask her to make a decision
she only wants to please
so this is going to be very difficult
for her
because it will be important
for her to pick what is best for her

so happy we have months to make this happen
this time
we are lucky

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Karen got her first acceptance letter
and it is her first choice
she is going to college

i should be happy
and i am
i should be ecstatic
and i am
i am also sad
that my baby is
actually leaving now
in less than a year

i remember college
how can i be old enough
to have a child in college

she has been through so much
she has grown so much
she has matured so much
i should be thankful
she is even allowed to go
to want to go
to be able to go

i am
but it is all bittersweet
she is so much fun
i love being around her
all the girls are getting along
it is such a good year
i know it will all be over soon
soon enough
in less than a year

it is not fair
we all struggled for so long
especially her
we all fought so hard
for her to win
to get through it
and she did
we never gave up
she always had our support
and she always supported us
well usually
she knew there was something wrong
when things weren't right
but she just didn't know what

now she knows
sometimes she is afraid
it will happen again

we know it won't
and we kept reminding her

someday she will know
and that time will come soon
she is leaving home
in less than a year
i have to let her

it is all good

Monday, November 8, 2010

3day 2010

i didn't feel like crewing again
a week before the event
i was depressed
and bothered by so much in my life
i wondered if i should do it
i knew i needed energy
and enthusiasm
but i wasn't feeling it

each day that passed
i thought about calling my team leader
i didn't want to disappoint her
damn me
for being so loyal
and honest
and trustworthy

crew day
was exciting
it was good to see
my old workers
and friends that bond during the weekend
most important
i remembered
why the 3day is so important

walking is amazing
i loved that
the encouragement
the energy
the excitement
the thrill of finishing
of walking with tears in your eyes

crewing is different
you are the cheerleaders
at this time
while feeling down
could i help
others feel up?

it ended up being cathartic
in a way i never imagined
i didn't really think about myself
for 3 days
i didn't care if my back hurt
my feet hurt
my head hurt
or my feelings were hurt
i ignored it all
it was good to be out of
the real world
and just focused
on something totally different

i was exhausted
and i did walk with tears in my eyes
as my entire lunch team
walked the last few steps
into the final rest area
everyone waving
calling out
hands touching
high fiving
just appreciative

because of my
own depression though
i did notice
something else
i felt removed
i felt disconnected
from most feelings

i could do my job
"turkey, chicken or veggie"
"go walkers, you are halfway there"
"welcome to lunch"
since we were a luau station

the tears did not come until the end
and i was grateful
for the feeling
for the knowledge of being alive
and being part of something important

glad to know
that i can make a difference
and that i can help
my daughters live in a
world without breast cancer
everyone deserves a lifetime