Monday, December 24, 2012

26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
and administration
before taking his own life


the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

Sunday, December 16, 2012

stressful holiday times

so mad at myself
really effed up some good family time

i hate when i do that
i am not seeing the big picture
i get upset about one stupid thing
and let it ruin all around me

this time is precious
we are all together for such a short time

karen is home for only 2 weeks
Bethany & Lucy have only 2 weeks off
and they only overlap one week

why do i let these little things get me down
then i hide
in my bed
because i am so embarrassed
upset with myself

mental health is not a given
we can all become unstable easily
and then beat ourselves up
when it continues to happen
and the same patterns continue

i need to let it go
but it is so hard

forgiving myself is usually harder than
forgiving others

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Homecoming court

my middlest
my Bethany
started her present high school
6 weeks into 10th grade

she was still chosen
as part of the
Homecoming Court

she was delighted
she felt so good
we definitely did the right thing
because they love her
and she loves them

she had a blast
all week
being congratulated
feeling so loved

then during the pep rally
she was either cheering
taking pictures
or being honored
as part of the homecoming court
grandparents came in
we watched the parade
she waved and waved
to all the younger children

during halftime
we got to escort her onto the field
i am embarrassed to say
that i wanted her to win
but she didn't
she didn't care
it was like the Oscars to her
just being nominated
was the gift she liked

we just basked in the moment
the awe
the celebrity feeling
she was beaming
she was so happy

when her name was not called
she was so excited for her friend
they all were so excited for each other

it was truly a lovely memory for all of us

Monday, October 8, 2012

Fall....where did the time go

i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Monday, August 20, 2012


i never want it to end
love having the lazy days around here
sleeping in
sharing lunch
staying up late
watching tv
or movies
or just talking

i want my kids around me
i don't want them to go back to school

i hate when this happens
every year

some days
so many parents say they can't wait for school to start
i have always been different

i want them home
i don't like the schedules
the girls seem to get along better
when we just are
just be
just do
what we want
instead of
having to wake up
be somewhere they don't want to go
and not like it

pajamas are a great choice of clothing
at this time of the year
maybe it is nice outside
but it is always comfy inside the house
and inviting
and loving

i know it has to end
but it is always hard for me

Sunday, May 27, 2012

end of the school did it go

new schools for 2 girls
can't believe it went by so fast

one to new college
one to new high school
both made new friends
and are very happy with the change

frustrating at times
one away from home
for the first time

in reality
we never thought she would get there
be able to do it
although times were tough
she did it
we did it

our family survived
are stronger because of it

glad that all changes have been good
everyone finally settled
and the year was good

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
we don't notice them
they happened

it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
wonderful turning points
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
it still feels like yesterday
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
it will never be the same

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


so cool
so very cool
still can't believe I went

My parents have a place in Deer Valley
a little place in Park City Utah
so my mom has been attending
the Sundance Film Festival
for about 5 years now

she raves about it
so this year
she offered a trip
to me
and my oldest
for our birthday presents

last year
my brother
and his wife
went for theirs
it wasn't like we had thought of it before
we just didn't know we could ask
my brother is the smarter one
he knew to ask first
what's new
i have been quieter when
it comes to asking for things

we both were so excited
the whole process starts in the fall
getting on a "list"
getting an access code
then a special time to buy ticket packages
or passes
my mom always has the first class package
she always does everything
first class
that's her
but Karen and I got a ticket package
20 tickets for 3 days.
Our goal
10 movies
together for 3 days.

All of this happened before December.
Then in January
we received the list of movie titles
and stars
and the schedule
the hard part was
picking out all the movies
that we wanted to see
but within our special days
within the schedule of what was playing when
and only in Park City
because other cities
have movies too.

We picked 10 movies
we were able to get 9 out of the 10 we wanted
then added an extra
which ended up starring Parker Posey-
-so how could we go wrong-
we actually got to see 2 extra shorts too
because they were paired with our movies
12 total (one "short" was 45 minutes long)

Out of the 12 we saw
we are big fans of 9
pretty good odds

one film was slow
one film I liked
but she didn't
one film we liked
but then heard from an insider
some issues with it

some made me laugh
some made me cry
some made me angry
in a good way

the experience was so powerful
i have already decided to go back next year
my middlest
and one nephew who is interested in film
will be high school seniors next year
what great gifts to give them

and I haven't even discussed the stars we saw
maybe later

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

2nd semester

all my kids started a new semester
the younger two
changed a couple of classes
but many courses
stayed the same
things are good
in high school

for the oldest
she goes back to college
she left again
after a
wonderful week at sundance

i did okay
letting her go this time
we hugged a lot
at the airport
i watched her go
through security
i surprised myself
by not crying

she is so happy
she loves her school
she adores her friends
she found the best place for her

THAT is why i am good
when she is happy
i am happy

the house is calmer
but good
but good
dinners are still good
i will still cook

even though
her chair
will remain empty

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

More time with the family

so much free time
it feel so good

hate when my kids go back to school
even when they were little
i hated it
i like them home
with me

maybe i am weird
i know most moms don't feel this way
i do
even when times
were rough
they were little
things were crazy
i still liked them
at home
making messes
it was fun
but fun

my oldest
has 6 weeks off
this year
her freshman year in college
the other 2
only have 2 weeks
we are enjoying it
sleeping in
seeing movies
having friends over
spending time together

i even made
after midnight
new years eve
when the high school juniors
came home
after their party

chocolate chip pancakes
life is short
chocolate is good
enjoy it