why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 

Why
What makes this happen  

Why now 

Why

What is the reason 

The impatience 

The disrespect  

The selfishness 

One day
I think all is great

Then
Out of nowhere 

She loses it 

All over again 

Just stay calm 

Let it go

But she can't  

She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 

There is nothing I can do 

She won't stop 

She doesn't stop 

In fact

She just makes it worse

She needs to just be quiet

Just listen

Just breathe 

She needs to get control 

I can't do it for her

As much as I want to 

She has to learn 

She has to keep learning

She must keep trying 

And not give up

Most importantly 

she needs to learn to be quiet 

and listen to others 

Damn I hate this

I hate it

I really really hate it  

Why does it keep happening? 

finally speaking

days
weeks
and in reality
months
it takes so long
to actually talk on the phone
sometimes
i wonder
if it is worth it

all the confusion
all the disappointment
all the sadness
should it go away now
don't think it can be that easy

emails
conversations with other people
friends
family members

the judging
the accusations
the threats
the misunderstandings

i am not sure
how to feel at this moment

still
not sure
i should feel relieved
but i don't
i should feel understood
but i don't
i should feel like a weight is off my shoulders
but i don't

i don't think it will ever be the way i want
i don't think there will ever be a clear understanding
of each other

no
not really

i can pretend
because i don't think he gets it
and i now
don't think he ever will

limited perspectives
and wants to stay that way
i know i am not perfect
i don't pretend to be
i try all types of ways
to parent
and have made many mistakes along the way
but
i admit it
don't see that happening
over there

different sections of the country
maybe
different personalties
maybe
different families
well
no
not really
now
but wasn't before

i can't understand his
and
he can't understand mine

i guess that makes it hard
but i try to understand
but
then sometimes
i just get madder
because it doesn't make sense
to me
so
i guess
i don't make sense to him

but we spoke
i said
what i needed to say
and
he accepted it
tried to see how i felt
but still not sure
i can't see how
he has friends who thinks they are perfect
that can't be real
someone is lying
because
honestly
nobody is perfect
and if they believe that
they are lying

but we spoke
he heard what i had to say
and i heard an apology
of sorts
and that has to be enough
has to be
because that is all
i will ever get

College!

Karen got her first acceptance letter
and it is her first choice
yes
she is going to college

i should be happy
and i am
i should be ecstatic
and i am
but
i am also sad
that my baby is
actually leaving now
in less than a year

college
i remember college
how can i be old enough
to have a child in college

but
she has been through so much
she has grown so much
she has matured so much
that
i should be thankful
she is even allowed to go
to want to go
to be able to go

i am
but it is all bittersweet
she is so much fun
i love being around her
all the girls are getting along
it is such a good year
and
i know it will all be over soon
well
soon enough
in less than a year

it is not fair
we all struggled for so long
especially her
we all fought so hard
for her to win
to get through it
and she did
we never gave up
she always had our support
and she always supported us
well usually
she knew there was something wrong
when things weren't right
but she just didn't know what

now she knows
and
sometimes she is afraid
it will happen again

but
we know it won't
and we kept reminding her

someday she will know
too
and that time will come soon
because
she is leaving home
in less than a year
and
i have to let her

it is all good

pressure

kids today are under so much pressure
yes
i know
i was in high school
a loooong time ago
but i remember having fun
i made good enough grades
and good enough test scores
to go to a great college
where i also had fun

now
i see my own children
freaking out about making a B
and worse for a C
thank goodness i was not like that
but still
a few days ago
my middlest wouldn't go to school
she seemed sick
clammy
hot
chills
etc
my husband and i
told her to go back to bed

that afternoon
when she woke up
at 4 pm
she told me she was too scared to go
she was worried about a class
she was concerned about the work
she couldn't keep up
she was scared of her grades
and the teacher

uh oh
been there
done that
when the oldest felt like that
we knew she needed to get out
but
the middlest is different
she is stronger
she told us she would be good with whatever she got
but
she was lying to us
and herself
she is not good with C's
at this school

we went to talk to the head of upper school
she is only about a month into sophomore year
i want her out
now
not at the end of the semester
or the end of the year
i don't care about the money
i just want her happy

i am calling schools
talking to her
talking to her advisor
having her go to her therapist
again
she needs to make the decision
it is her life
but
i hate seeing her in pain
i hate seeing her down on herself
i hate hearing that she doesn't have time for a social life
that all she does is study
and then she is not content with the grades she is getting

i have seen these signs of depression before
and i don't want that to happen to our family again
we know the consequences
we know the feelings
we know we need to help her

public school
private school
jewish school
non denominational school

i don't care
i just want her happy
and feeling good about herself
and being happy with her life

that is all that matters to me
happy children
happy family
just need to get there

a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
reflected
and made promises
yet
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
but
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
when
hopefully
thoughtfully
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
but
mostly
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
and
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

today
i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
because
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
but
i won't dwell on them
no
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
beautiful
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
because
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate

school is OUT

i never thought this day would come
this school year is over

it has been hell
pure hell
since day one of this year

school starting
and only 2 girls for the first day picture
that just killed me

karen being gone for the first 6 weeks of school
just made me sick

lucy being accused of cheating
and then being bullied
by the teachers
and the administration
just about
threw me over the edge

and that was only in the first 2 months
i thought it would get better
but it didn't

the year just never really caught up
lucy was an emotional mess
all year long
she had lost trust in those teachers
and the administration
her grade was being told
that they were the worst
boys were kicked out
because of cyber bullying
girls were talking about it
all the time
the teachers never gave them a break
lucy never felt good about herself
that knocked me down too
how could this great kid
who usually loved life
and everyone in it
get the wind knocked out of her so much

karen felt better
but there was this underlying feeling
that her bad moods would return
she felt it
i felt it
her sisters felt it
and her dad
we have been on edge all year
walking on eggs

bethany just wasn't herself
high school was difficult
adding to it that
her big sister had all these problems
and her little sister
wanted to be her own person
and all her friends
well
they wanted to party
and she didn't
she wasn't sure where she fit in
she wanted to have friends
but
she made VERY GOOD decisions
so Jeff and I stayed home often with her
on weekend nights
when her other sisters
were both out somewhere
but
we didn't care
we told her how smart she was
and how much we could believe in her

but
whatever
it was a horrible year
and I am SO GLAD
it is over

let the summer begin!

scared

it has been months since I have been this scared
seeing my baby out of control
where does this come from
why does it happen
what causes this

things have been so good lately
but
things have also been harder
made her think
made her realize
that she is growing up
she hates that
she does not want to
she is looking at colleges
but we are not forcing her out

i think maybe we shouldn't talk about it anymore
she was out of control tonight
and i got scared
she got scared
we both cried
i got angry
she got angry
she called me names
she hasn't done that in so long

but
she didn't get physical
but
why
why
why
did it happen again

she doesn't deserve this
I know I don't deserve this

maybe that is why
we were feeling so good about everything
that we forgot this feeling
I don't like it
I know she doesn't like it
her fears creep back up when it happens
the family doesn't like it
they go into hiding

we can't live like that every again
no
we won't
it scares us all

Steps forward

more steps forward
than backwards
and that is what is important

another weekend
another bat mitzvah

Karen went to the sabbath dinner
and I had not even
realized
until we were there
it was her first
big event
where it was not just family
or her friends at school
the first time
she was in a large group
at least
it was in a home
she felt comfortable

I stayed with her most of the time
she did well
some people tried to hug her
not her cup of tea
but she did well

on saturday night
when the rest of us
were at the bat mitzvah
service and party
Karen had a friend
spend the night
they went to dinner
then watched a movie

Bethany and Lucy
my husband and I
enjoyed seeing
the little girl do her torah service
we had watched her grow up
she was a little terror at 5
but now
just beautiful
honest and gracious
at 13
beam from the bima
we laughed
danced and enjoyed her party

one of my middlest's friends
thought I was drunk
but Bethany explained
"oh no
she always dances like that"
as long as I didn't embaress her
I guess is all that mattered

but
baby steps forward
for all of us

parties
sleepovers
friends
laughter
all the girls
laughed when we got home
my three
and one extra
one that I never knew
could be a part of our lives

the child that I still worry about
the one who I thought
would always be my shadow
had a friend spend the night

it had been a long time
since that happened
and it was all
a part
of the moving forward
process
that we are all
grateful for
and
so happy to see

nothing right

Today
I went to the psychiatrist with Bethany
her psychiatrist
the one she thought she didn't need

But she wanted me to meet with her there
and I felt like a failure
that I had not thought of her
she felt I did not ever think of her

Ugh
I feel like I can't do right by anyone
I feel like a shitty mom
She reminded me of situations
where she felt like an outsider
where I didn't think of her feelings

It scared me
it reminded me of some situations
with my own mother
which is something else all on its own

But I needed to repair this situation
she is bothered
how unhappy I have been
she worries about me and my own depression
she felt she was taking care of me
when I should have been taking care of her
and she didn't like when
my husband was in charge
when I should have been

How I was different
or I would take too many naps
go to bed
instead of facing things head on
I was weak
and
in reality
it was just not because of Karen
it was me
my insecurities
my anxieties
my situation with some of my own family members
that I could not even tell her about

I was keeping things from her
or so I thought
but instead
I was keeping myself from her
I thought I was protecting her
but
she could feel the distance
and it hurt her
she is so sensitive
even though
she is a typical teenager
she acts tough
when everyone is watching
but
often
inside
she is just a little girl

She is usually confident
but this whole family
situation
has affected all of us
she is still holding grudges
towards her big sister
and the history between them
I worry every day
that we have made mistakes
with Karen
with all of them
and that I am at fault

my middlest was hurting
she wanted me to know
and I just cried more
I listened
I wanted to fix it
I want to help her to heal
I have made more of a mess of this
instead of sheltering her
I think I pushed her away

I need to fix it
I don't need to keep secrets
I need to be a mother again
for ALL my children

My littlest would never admit
if I made a mistake with her
she worries about hurting other people's feelings

But
Bethany
wants to tell the truth
she wants change

and I thank god
she told me now
when I have time
to change my behavior
and let her know
that I care for her so much
that I don't want her to feel this way

I love her to pieces
and I want her to know that
and even with that tough exterior
I need to remember
that soft inside
that needs cuddling
every once in a while

I will keep reminding myself
that I can do
something right
and get something right
for her

Back to school

I was so nervous
for my little girl

I admit it
I sent messages
to her friends
on facebook
letting them know she would be coming back

the school hadn't told the kids
what had been going on

when Karen and I went to visit school
the friday before she went back
one kid looked at her
and said
"we thought you died"
it was
a little funny
so we laughed
but I knew
she was still nervous about going back

Since Karen's first day back to school
was the same day as Lucy's new schedule
my husband
and I
had to split up duties

I took the little one
and he took the big one
the middle one
took care of herself

The little one did well
she met her latin teacher
she was excited to see her
new schedule in print
and her friends were happy for her too

when I got home
I wanted to run over to Karen's school
I had emailed the teachers
the headmistress
the nurse
her advisor
IF IF IF
anything went wrong
I was just around the corner
I would pick her up

But my husband came home
about the same time as me
he said
at least 3 kids welcomed her back
the teachers were all happy to see her
he had not seen any
awkward conversations
whew
I thought
Some kids
even made a big poster
and signed it for her
to bring home

I waited by the phone
I didn't do much
expecting her not to make the whole day
but
she did
she came home
happy
so happy
laughing
telling stories on friends
really giggling
it was so good to see

she napped that day
and fell asleep early
then woke up so tired
just go half the day today
I told her
she barely made it to lunch
she had pushed herself too hard
that first day

the third day she slept late
had a doctor's appt
and went to school
in the afternoon

by thursday
she was "sad" again
uh oh
she thought all that
had been "fixed"
she was nervous about a couple of classes
she didn't want to go to school

I had her get up
we talked
we called her dad
and then we walked over to school
to speak with the counselor
he listened to her
and she cried
tears of relief
he was going to help her
I reminded her
she doesn't need to do anything alone
we are here to help her

she was used to group therapy
twice a day for 7 weeks
and now she thinks she can
just take care of it alone again
isn't that what caused all this in the first place?

she did start school late that day
and I told her I was around for her again

the next day
she made it
she woke up
she hesitated
she wanted to stay home
but she left
alone
to walk to school

I was exhausted
keeping her upbeat
but
seeing her smile
was all worth it

Homeward Bound

Yes
the day
wednesday
september 30th
me
my husband
the middlest
and the littlest
boarded
grandfather's plane
to pick the biggest up
from Merdiell
her residential treatment center

Originally
it was just supposed to me
my husband and me
but with all the mess
going on at school
with the little one
we couldn't leave her there
and then we couldn't
just bring her without
the middlest
so we all went to
retrieve Ms Karen

We were so excited
and scared
nervous
and happy!

The plane ride seemed so slow
the car trip seemed too long
but we got there
and surprised her
first me and my husband
loads of hugs and kisses
then her sisters
she was so thrilled
until she figured out
that it meant
our meeting didn't go well
whatever we said
the point was
we were all there to bring her home

it was bittersweet to see
Karen say good bye to her friends
at the bunkhouse
some girls actually cried
they all seemed to respect her
and believe in her
and see the leader in her
that we know is there
she just doesn't always see it

I let her sit up front in the car
I needed to keep the two youngest
apart
we didn't need any fights starting
yet

I kept looking at her and smiling
I kept kissing on her
hugging on her
telling her I loved her
I was just so thrilled
when we drove out of the gates
forever
hoping
to never return

Not that we don't appreciate what
they did for her
just that we don't want to ever
go through that again
never
ever

we ate a sweet lunch
with grandfather
we flew home
we drove back home
she walked in the door
and was worried the dog had
forgotten her
he was so happy to see her
even though it did
take him a few minutes to remember her

there were boxes
baskets
balloons
cookies
cookie bouquets
signs
welcoming Karen back home
she was shocked at the attention
she always is
she never sees how good she is
she doesn't see all the
amazing qualities she has

We ate dinner together
we talked at the table
we just stared at one another
still not believing
that we were
once again
a family of five

leaving her the last time

final family therapy
it went so well
too well
we all got along so well
I didn't want to leave my daughter
I bawled like a baby
it still killed me to leave Karen like that

knowing in less than 48 hours
I was going to have the privlege
of signing her out one last time

I would get to bring her home
to OUR home
to her home
the one that has just not been the same without her

I think the dog will be the most excited
he has no clue what is going on
he usually loves to hang out on Karen's bed
he has practically been following me around
her room is empty
the lights are off
I can hardly bring myself to
go in there myself
the dog is even more confused

But, I could do it
I could let her go
ONE last time
only because I now know
it is one last time

she has worked so hard
she has met the challenges
she has faced obstacles
she had to be a leader
she had to get along with peers
she had to share a room
a bathroom
she even had to do laundry
well
when she remembered
I probably packed her
enough clothes she could go for weeks
so
I bet she did

I am planning not to leave her side
unless she makes me
for a couple of weeks
I told her she was going to get sick of me
she said no way
I liked that answer
she said she wants to slowly adjust back to school
her school
such a wonderful place
such a warm place
such a welcoming place
told my husband and me
that anything Karen wanted
they would work out

WOW
we have kids at 2 schools
and we know
for sure
the other one would never do that
but
let's not dwell on that school
let's focus on Karen's great school
the best place for her
the best environment for her
one where she feels safe
she feels connected
she feels is the best school
so that
is all that matters

But
no matter what
leaving her is hard
the first time
I cried so hard on the way home
my husband and I were silent
we were hurting so much
then there was the time
she had one of her
"doozies" of an outburst
her new word
not mine
that we had to leave her
when she was still upset
that made it
extremely hard to leave


At least this time
her smile was beaming
her eyes were shiny
she knew it was less than 48 hours too

I wanted to run back in and grab her
but I had to make it to the car
I had to drive away
but I would come back
yes
I could do it

Yom Kippur

today was yom kippur a jewish holiday
not of celebration
but of observance
contemplation
and introspection
well it actually began last night
this year though
we are not going to temple
we are not going to services
in fact
we are not fasting

our oldest daughter
our biggest baby
has been in a mental health
residential treatment center
for 7 weeks
and
instead
we decided to spend time with her
all five of us
the importance of Yom Kippur
is to atone for your sins
to repent for all your wrongdoings
to ask forgiveness to all that you wronged
in the past year
so
in essence
one is supposed to forgive all others
forget the past
erase the hurts and abuse
and move on
began a new life
a new year
and get sealed in the book of life for another year

during this
holiest of holidays
the 24 hours of yom kippur
one is supposed to fast
not eat and not drink
the whole time
and the reasons vary
some say to punish oneself
some say to not be concerned with
clothing
eating
drinking
just focus on yourself and no others
to be hungry
to feel pain
I have also heard that it is the closest to death
that you can get
while one in healthy
that is why anyone who is sick
ill or otherwise not capable
is excused from fasting

so yesterday
we picked up our daughter from
her treatment center
and all 5 of us
had dinner together
we laughed
we cried from tears
of laughter or joy
we went back to our hotel room
and made a new treatment plan
for Karen’s return on Wednesday
this Wednesday
so happy
we made goals
for Karen
for her sisters
and her parents
how we will all work together
to start anew
to make this family work
to support one another
to believe in ourselves
and each other
it was a fabulous
experience
that I was amazed to see
come together
after such a short time
when just a few month ago
I never would have though possible
we were experiencing our
own yom kippur
forgiving one another
discussing the wrongs of the past
and figuring out new ways to make things new
creating a new life for all of us
together
as a family
of five
our family of 5
our perfect
well, not so perfect
but in our own way
perfect
family
our perfectly
imperfect family
just the way it is

so we all laughed
played
watched tv
and made fun of
daddy falling aleep
on the bed
with his glasses on
and snoring and not waking up
the laughter between the girls
was music to my ears
the smiles on their faces were
stars in my own dark skies
i have had in my head these
last few weeks
I couldn’t get over the fact that
this nightmare
was about to come to an end!

since my husband fell alseep on
Karen’s bed
I was lucky enough to get to sleep with her
I had her body by me all night
I couldn’t stop touching her
she held my hand and talked
about her fears of coming home
and the fear of becoming the person
she used to be that scared us
and herself
I told her that she had the skills and tools
now to have the confidence in herself
that she never had before
that like riding a bike
when she was 5 she would
continually fall off and cry
thinking she would never learn to ride a bike
but now if she fell off
she would just get back on
becaue she knew she could do it
it is similar
she has the knowledge
the power
the coping skills
the patience
the belief in herself
that she can take control
of the situation

this morning
when Bethany said she was not going to eat
she was going to fast
because unlike the rest of us
she was taking this holiday seriously
then I told her the meaning
of the fast that I liked the best
that it is close to death
and then you begin a new life
fresh and clean
with no regrets
I explained to her that
we have experienced a
*death* in the last 7 weeks
we have had the death of our family
we have struggled
we have almost given up hope
we have lost our appetite
we have lost a beloved family member
we are starting a new today
with a new life for our family

nothing can compare to what we
have experienced
but our family therapy appt that morning
was to be the beginning
of our new life
our new family
our new hope
that we could start

our appointment went so well
it was spitual in the way that
a usual Yom Kippur service
would not have been like
to me that day

this was more important than anything else right now
the 5 of us in the room
with the therapist who has helped
our daughter disover her special qualities
that make her so special
and loving
and how she has worked so hard to get where she is
and how we all have suffered so much
without her

I told the story of Yom Kippur
and how special and meaningful it was
that our last family therapy
was on that day
that we all know
but sometimes forget
that the most spiritual
and meaningful jewish moments
don’t need to happen in a temple
they just need to happen in a community
where everyone is aware that G-d
is present and there with us at that moment

more on my baby

I am so upset for my little one
then I remember there is a counselor

just for the middle school
I know that she and Little Lucy
have a relationship
and that she is aware of the current family situation
I forward the group email to her letting her know
about my little girl
she checks her schedule against my daughter’s
and realizes she has missed the study hall for the day
but she would look for Lucy to give her a hug
and plan a meeting for the next day

I get an itch
an uncomfortable one
while looking at some papers at home
I decide to get up to school early
to go to the learning assistance’s office
the head of school is there (surprise)
they don’t seem too surprised to see me
the door was opened
so I asked the Language therapist if she had gotten
Lucy’s psych evaluation from the Doctor
no she says, not by email
and not by mail
so I tell her I will fax it to her
when I get home

the head askes me to spend some time talking with him
I sat down, the door closed behind me
I felt uncomfortable
being there without my husband
worried I would say something wrong
that I could mess things up somehow
but I smiled
he asked about Karen and her “adventure”
she should be coming home the next week
I almost shouted and said with tears in my eyes
then he talked about Lucy
he reminded me that their policy is
not to discuss a cheating suspicion with a parent first
and he stands behind that
agree to disagree
I still think it is wrong
and he admitted that the teachers reacted wrong
in not contacting me about the discussion
although, in regard to Lucy's emotional meltdown
they aren’t sure that they caused that
they did not feel they accused her
that only she should think about what happened

I said that the advisor also accused my little girl
of cheating in her classroom also
and I don’t like that
the head of the middle school
said all of us are emotional
the teachers
me
my husband
little Lucy
and himself
we all need to take time
to think about it
before making any rash decisions
that we would regret later
he said he wanted Lucy to have a normal day
the next day
come to school and participate like all the others
oh-would she be able to take that Spanish test?
I said I would have to ask her
it was time for me to leave
I saw my little one and
we started walking to the car
I asked her about the Spanish test
and her response was
"aren’t I switching to Latin?”
uh oh, I thought, this isn’t right
but we are not going back to say this
I tell her all about the conversations
her father and I had with the head of school
she said she was able to avoid both of the teachers
that day
I said she would never get out of history
but from now on
face forward if she needs to
keep her head down
and either she gets a 100
or a zero
or something in between
we don’t care
this is 7th grade history
it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference for getting into college
and then I explained the other situation
and
she is so smart
she is so sweet
she really gets it
she said
“Oh, so they need to hear
that *I* want the changes
right now all they know is
that you want those changes for me
not that I wanted you to ask for them”
right, my smart child
and we talked about how
important her meeting with the counselor
was going to be
and how using important words
like Need and Trust
should make all the difference in that discussion

ironically
Lucy had an appointment with a psychologist that afternoon
to talk about her sister situation
I was worried that Lucy wouldn’t open up
she usually keeps things in
she was concerned of going in alone
she had not met this woman
but the doctor comes to get her
they walk off together
and I don’t see either one for almost an hour
the doctor brings me back
and discusses the irrational behavior
of the teachers
and that Lucy should get a new advisor
and a new language teacher and class
this all was handled wrong
and I was not even in the room
to hear what my little girl had said!

the doctor coach my Littlest
on what words to use when she spoke
with the counselor
how important it was to get her feeling across
to this woman
interesting
she got all that just by talking to the student
no parent involvement at all
guess she did deserve that Phd :)

so
today
my daughter goes to school like normal
I drop her off
and tell her probably a little less than 100 times
if anything makes you uncomfortable
call me
if you don’t feel good
leave the room
and call me
I am here for you
call me
get someone
to call me for you if you can’t do it
okay mom
I get it
I can call you
bye

I worry
I get home
I got an email back from the learning specialist
she had glanced over the psych report
and little one needs an ILAP
(Individualized learning assistance plan)
so she can have accommodations
due to her dygraphia
and possibly some attention issues
she had to be out of the office that day
but she would work on it over the weekend
and get it to the teachers the next week
then another mom who heard about this situation
told me her daughter told her the whole thing
and their science teacher
that they all were in awe of
noticed Lucy’s twisted paper and seat earlier in the year
asked her if it was normal and she said it was
and he said no big deal and let it go
what a difference just asking a question makes

so I send an email back to the learning assistance specialist
thanking her for her time and proudly offering
this bit of information
I also copied the head of school and the assistant head of school
who had been out of town the whole time this had been going on
I quickly get a return email from the Assistant head
she just found out about it
she would be there if I needed her

the day went on
I emailed the counselor to let her know of the psych eval
and that I was so happy Lucy had her to talk to
and that if Lucy was too upset and did not want to go to spanish
I would pick her up early
I get to school at normal time
see my daughter
and all of her friends who were riding with us
again
we get in the car
laughing like usual
my husband calls before we are out of the lot
he wants to know about Her and Her meeting
I didn’t really want to talk
with everyone else in the car
we said we’d call back
the friends get out of the car
Lucy has to wait to go inside with them
we call daddy back
she tells us
that the counselor wants her
to make a pro/con list
of all the reasons to change
advisors and to Latin
what-nothing is happening
well, they were going to meet again on Tuesday
my husband and I were meeting with the head
on weds morning
the day we were to go pick
up Karen our big girl,
our biggest baby
from her residential treatment center
so they were not going to ruin that day for us

Lucy got out of the car
I looked at my middlest
and said, so that’s how they want to play
we have to play this silly game
but we are still going to win
we are still going to get what Lucy wants
they just don’t know it yet
they want to wear us out
and more importantly
wear her out
so she won’t care anymore
and she will just want it to go away

we made that mistake 2 years ago
when Karen was in 9th grade
and she had a bad bad horrible
beginning with a new advisor
we made this mistake
and did what the school proposed
they don’t like to make changes
they said the teacher would be understanding and make it work
and
about 6 months later
we were in the children’s ER with her
with suicide threats
and just wanting to die
because she was so miserable at home because of school
maybe she still would have left the school eventually
but we will never know
and I know I can’t forgive myself
for allowing that to happen to my child
she did not trust that woman again

my husband got back on the computer
he typed up an email to the head
the assistant head
the learning specialist
and the counselor
stating that with
the psych evaluation
the opinions and feelings that Lucy described to the counselor
that another teacher did not find her behavior questionable
when we arrive on weds morning
there needs to be an alternate schedule needs to be
available for our viewing

oddly enough
that night
when taking three 7th grade girls home
from a movie
one girl said that she fell asleep in history class today
and after class
the teacher came over to her and told her not to do that again
yes
the same teacher who accused my daughter of cheating
because she looked around the room
oh good I said
I liked the way he handled that
maybe he learned something

but
I am sure this is not over
yet
more to come
more to bear
more games to play
but
we won't give up

15 years later

I laid on my bed and cried today

15 years ago today
my middle daughter was born
but at that time
she was just “baby”

Karen was less than 2
barely
But she still didn’t talk much
She could say baby

And she loved her baby so much
She wanted to show her off
She always wanted to make sure that
“Baby too” was going with us
She was such a good big sister
Then

Then the baby started crawling
started walking
started talking
many things that Karen was still working on herself

the baby started taking her toys
her dolls
her books
and pulling her hair
her pretty curls
were such easy targets
for those chubby little hands

Baby knew how to piss her sister off
so
she kept doing it
after awhile
Karen realized
that she didn’t need that “baby”
and then
pretty soon
there was a new baby
and that original baby became
“the middlest”
and because the middlest was taught
how to be a good big sister
she showed her “baby” all the wonderful things
that her big sister taught her

the oldest
the middlest
the youngest
became our names

because the middlest needed a place too
always so concerned for the middlest
after that whole
Jan Brady fiasco
everyone worried about the middle one

but, the middlest would be fine
it was the oldest who was not sure where to fit in
she was not the new baby’s big sister
the middlest took that spot
and she was not the middlest big sister anymore
because now the middlest didn’t need one
she liked being the older one
and having someone new to boss around

so Karen
the oldest
stayed alone
most of the time

often
fights broke out between the 3
the middlest and the youngest
against the oldest
the oldest felt she never won
so
she stopped fighting
sometimes
or she fought so hard
she won
at the expense of others

about 6 weeks ago now
it was at the expense of herself
her mother
her father
and the middlest

she was taken away
by the police to a mental health center
then placed at a residential treatment center

things had not always gone according to her plan
she has not liked all the rules
some of the people
some staff
other kids
teachers
work
laundry
phone time
puzzles
therapy
doctors
on
and
on I could go

but
something magical has happened
the youngest has been acting up to the middlest
and the middlest realized that she
actually needed a big sister
after all
so
during this absence
the middlest and the oldest
have been talking
on the phone
it is a start
a very good start
for both of them
one that makes me cry
still

tonight
the two of them talked
about their lives
about their situations
and appreciated each other’s differences
they listened
without resentment
with real understanding

on Bethany’s, the middlest’s, birthday
15 years after
they became sisters
they discovered the joy of one another

now, I can lay anywhere
and think of this and cry
tears of joy

Visits

We have experienced different types of visits now to
See Karen
Flying in for a couple of hours with grandparents
Driving in to be able to take her to dinner
Waking up early the next day to have breakfast
with her at the residential treatment center

Phone conference calls
In town visits
Therapy sessions in the therapists office
And some on the phone
phone conference calls with psychologists here
psychiatrists there
all these doctors together

We are so lucky to have a dad who is a pilot
The ability to fly to see her and it takes
Less than half the time it takes to fly
we don't want to take advantage
but it sure is nice
and that Rayviator pilot
usually wants an excuse to go somewhere
although he did say
he would much rather fly to
College Station than Austin
too bad we didn't find a facility there

we are lucky the place is even drivable
3 hours
it is not fun
but it is manageable
we get to pass by our camp
going both ways
exit 318
I always see it
and it can make me smile
I wish I could pop in
see the sunset over the lake
while at the outside chapel
one of my very favorite sites in the whole world

I can't imagine
having to fly to see your child
having to plan that weeks in advance
having to worry about the weather
could keep me from seeing or talking to my daughter
I can't imagine having to go out only once a month
or less even
when you couldn't talk or see your child for 3 months
the worry
the anxiety
the thoughts that would continue in my head
I have enough problems with the hours that go by
the lonely hours I worry about her

One friday
My husband and I went down
to Meridell again for a therapy session with Karen and her therapist.

After changing her doctor
the new doctor had been doing
more extensive tests to determine issues with Karen
although she had scored "normal" on her original brain scan
the new doc wanted to recheck it.

we found out her new brain scan
showed some abnormalities
Karen's therapists actually said that this was good
because it explains why therapy alone can not help her
her brain is out of rhythm
because of this "cerebral dysrhythmia"
her depression is a symptom, rather than an ailment.

So, the doctor is going to raise her medication
and the therapist will be working on her to help Karen
learn better thinking strategies
try to break the habits
she has made in the last 16 years of dysfunctional thinking
this is not going to be easy for any of us
because our entire family
has been meshed in back habits too

She got a pass to leave campus
we went to dinner on Friday night
got her back in time for some evening activity
she was glad to be there.

and to sleep back at the treatment center
but then we were able to
take her to breakfast on Saturday morning

On saturday
we got her back in time to go to the cafeteria for lunch
we walked her there
and then the last 20 minutes of our visit was not very satisfying
she didn't like that meal,
and was bothered she couldn't get the vegetarian option

During these passes
we were told to have goals
work on some of these new therapy strategies
when she got upset by the happenings in the cafeteria
she got bothered by me reminding her about
"thinking errors"
goals
therapy
she ended up going into one of her emotional storms
telling me to leave her alone
that I am obnoxious
that she didn't love me
that she wanted me to get out of there.
it was not a pleasant experience
but none of the staff was close to us
to observe what happened.

during that visit
98% of it was fabulous
even though
the last 20 minutes
reminded us of the long road ahead
We are lucky
about twice a week we have seen Karen
dinners out have become more frequent
her sisters have visited too
it was so good
Karen and I went to dinner at the house
of a college friend of mine
that was priceless
a homecooked
steak dinner
being with new people
not getting too anxious
not getting depressed
and being able to play the guitar with the dad

when she had breakfast with her sisters
they fought
and she could ignore it

we decided to have a spa time
a massage time
a very relaxing time that she definitely enjoyed
as did I
I could go back now

She even made the decision
that she wanted to go to temple for services
somewhere different
but something similiar
and she wanted to do that
I was so proud
her dad went with her
and she got to stay in the hotel for the first time
she was thrilled

we do look forward
when the other girls
her father
and I go back down
and Karen gets to stay with us
in a hotel room
it is not like home
but it will be as close as we can get
to try to make this all work again
to talk about her feelings
to talk about our feelings
to apologize and forgive
and to move on

and then sleep soundly that night
well
I am not sure how soundly
because if we are all in one room
the snoring from both of the parents
might keep everyone awake

Ouch

not fair
not right
not making this any easier

watching my child
cry
red faced
and angry
lips curled
knives dodging out of her eyes

hating her situation
hating her scenario

thinking the rules are stupid
being “effing” bored
thinking some people are hypocrites

but she still has so far to go
she says she will be okay at home
but she won't
she says she did not realize some
“thinking errors” that to me were so obvious
anger
hatred
crying

wanting an easy answer
there is no easy answer

she must work hard
she has to commit
she has to open up her true feelings
for her doctor
for her therapist
for her teachers
because
I think
they can tell she is holding back

the more uncomfortable she is
the more she is showing her true self

now not being able to shave in the shower
I understand that frustration
having to only shave with an electric razor
in a hallway
in a t-shirt
trying to do it under a t-shirt
with no mirror
must feel awkward

but they have to be safe
I have to know she is safe
or I won’t be able to sleep

she must take drugs to sleep now
so do I

I can’t even cook dinner anymore
it brings me to tears
there is only 4 of us
we have someone missing
it is not right
it sucks
I want her home

but I don’t want her home
until she is ready
if she comes home too early
and falls apart
I am scared she will feel like a failure
and then be even worse then when this started

she now says the doctors and therapists and nurses
“lied” from her first place
they told her most of the patients are out within
2 to 6 weeks
she will probably be there for over 6 weeks

has she known anyone to be there less yet?
has she met anyone who was only there for 2?
has she met girls who were there for 8 months?
yes
and that scared the shit out of her
8 months
she screamed that first night on the phone
both her dad and I crumbled in tears too
we didn't want her gone that long

but now we see how much she needs it
she still needs it
she is getting better
slowly
we can't rush it
she can't rush it
it will get here
but, just not soon enough

8 days

8days

my youth group summer camp
used to be for 8days
and
this may surprise you
the event was called
8day
classy yes
but I was shocked and surprised
how much could happen in such
a short time

however
this was not the experience
we had when we first went to visit Karen
after her first 8 days
at Meridell

no
not at all
First of all

we all went to Meridell for our 10 am appointment with our daughter's therapist
for the record
when we dropped Karen off
the week before
we got to meet her therapist
a teacher
some nurses on her ward
the intake director
and some business people
but
we did not get to meet her doctor
so I left him a message last Friday that we would be there on Thursday
then this past Tuesday
when I called after hours to the ward to ask a nurse how Karen's day went
the nurse said the doctor had upped Karen's medication
(not changed it, just increased it)
so I guess a phone call to us
was not necessary?

so I called and left him another message
asking him to call me
or have someone call me
just to let me know if we would be seeing him
or talking to him on Thursday

so, weds night
when we were in austin
and my husband and I realized
that we still had not heard from him
I left voicemail #3 on his line
wanting to know about Karen
her plan
her meds
and if we would be seeing him or talking to him

back again to the point
we get to Meridell
we spoke with the other 2 girls about all of this
Bethany was still very apprehensive about seeing Karen
since the last time they had been together
Karen was out of control and had hit her
I told Bethany that I was so scared too
I was scared that Karen was resenting us
I was scared that Bethany would never forgive Karen
and I was scared if Bethany did not see Karen, then Karen wouldn't know how much Betsy loved her

Bethany said she would see her
but would not hug her
and, if Karen was out of control,
then Bethany would not see her
good enough for me

so we were inside the waiting room
the therapist came alone
we explained the family situation
the girls liked the therapist, then my husband and I went off to meet with her alone

we told her how upset we were that the doctor had not called us back
I asked if she had heard from the doctor, and she had not
so we told her how we called him
we spoke about Karen's treatment so far
we spoke about our daughter was doing well
how she had given our little girl "homework" that most girls don't get for weeks
but that ours was intelligent enough to do it

because Karen is on the neuropsychiatric unit
they had to do a QEEG
but we had heard they had to repeat it
well
because it came back normal
and for her to have a neuro issue, it needed to be "abnormal"
although this doctor upped her meds as if it was
and was waiting for confirmation that the new QEEG would show
some abnormalities

the doctor called while we were in there
he said he wanted to talk to us at 11
the therapist said she would stay with us and he would come to her office
we talked more about Karen
we got emotional, about her progress
about her sisters, about the family
about how scary our home can be
then
the doctor comes in at 11
he walks in and says something about being sorry he didn't call back
I stayed calm
I just wanted to hear what he had to say
my husband let him know that we were not happy about his lack of response
I asked him about the messages I left
he started talking about her progress
but made some comment that it had only been a week
we talked about her depression
he then asked if she had ever had any times if elation
of happy episodes
I said no
surprised by this question
because this is something that had been asked by many doctors before
he said that is what Karen said
then I asked
have you read her history?
no he answers
NO?
he said he had not been given her chart
I was shocked!
I was outraged
I went ape shit,
My husband and I spoke in sections at this point
questions and comments
so you are treating her without knowing her past medications
her past therapies
her doctors notes
her reactions
you didn't ask for her chart?
what have you been doing for 8 days??

well
he said
he wasn't the one to do her original intake
because he was out of town
so that doctor probably has her file
yes, but, that was over a week ago
can't you ask the doctor for it?
he responded that it is not that easy

then my husband,
my smart busines minded husband
asked him why he had not taken the time to find her file
to ask for it
or look for it himself
he then asked
are you just too busy?

the doctor said that
yes
he is
he has 31 patients
and some are sicker than our daughter
WHAT???
he just told us that he was too busy for our daughter
and that she is not sick enough for him to worry about
he made a comment about an emergency
I told him that she is our emergency

I saw stars
I felt steam coming out of my ears
we trusted the institution to do the right thing
for Karen
for us
for our daughter
for our family
I just could not see straight
at that point
the therapist told us
we needed a break
the doctor then left the room
I was sobbing
shaking
howling at that point
we wasted a week
I thought to myself
and probably screamed through my sobs
a week of therapy
a week of money,
a week of our daughter's life
making her miserable
hating it
causing her to possibly hate us
because we sent her there
there was nothing to do to console me
I said I needed to speak to someone about him
NOW
the therapist made phone calls
she paced the hallways
she got us in to see the CEO
when we left to go to that woman's office
Karen
our little girl
our daughter
our pride and joy
spied us
she was so happy to see us
I was a big blubbery mess
and could only blow her a kiss
I was still crying
we both told her we loved her
we knew she was on her way to get the new QEEG done

My husband ran into that asshole dr
Dr Byron Stone
the douche
he ripped him a new asshole as I walked by
I called him an asshole to the CEO's assistant
then we walked into the CEO's office
and relayed what just happened to us
but
she is not a doctor
only a businesswoman
my brilliant husband
knew that
the smart man,
he told her that this situation needed to be rectified
or he would be writing letters to Dr Joel Holiner
medical director of Green Oaks
who sends patients to Meridell
who helped send our daughter there
who recomended this insitution
and to Dr Graham Emslie
Karen's psychiatrist
who is nationally known in research about medications for adolscents
and also head of child psychiatry
at Children's hospital in Dallas
to tell them to never refer another patient to the facility
because of this treatment
to our daughter
and to us
to our whole family
and then he looked at her name tag
it said Universal Heath Services Inc
the parent company of Meridell
he could write them also
to tell them just how we were treated
and how we would expect a refund

the woman gave some lip service
and that is what jmy husband said
it was lip service
then my wonderful partner said he wanted Karen with a new doctor
that we were coming back on Sunday
and he wanted it done by then
I swung my head around
and said-Sunday?
*I* want it done today
I would not leave the facility
until I knew that Karen had a new doctor
or I was taking her home
today

The CEO said that it is highly unusual
to change doctors
I told her I didn't care
she said she couldn't make that decision alone
she needed to speak to Dr Stone
and the Facility Medical Director
I said we'd wait,
I was sitting there ready for her to get on the phone
but then the therapist took us
we found our daughter
she saw her sisters,
My husband and I went with the therapist
and Karen to talk for a bit
then the 5 of us
our family
our broken little family
who was trying to heal
we all went together to lunch in the cafeteria
the food was gross
but the girls had fun together!
Karen got a coke with Lucy from the vending machine
Bethany got cheez its
she wouldn't get a drink
because the cups were styrofoam
and she is trying to be very green
a vegetarian too
but she'll eat fish at least
the therapist came back
she told us they were meeting
she said when we were done to go to the family visiting area
we had a package in the car for Karen
Daddy went to get it
I took the girls
to a little room in the visiting area
we laughed that it looked like a police interrogation room
Daddy returned
we gave her some t-shirts
we bought her in florida,
new orleans
and wal mart
candy
books
magazines
it was a good time

then we went back up the administration
to see what we could find out
at this point, it was about 1:30
we needed to leave at 2:00
to get to Bethany's hair cut appointment
she was starting high school the next day
well, Bethany started whining
we told her it would work out
the therapist said that she was waiting for the medical director to come talk with us

the doctor showed up
so my husband and I went with the doctor to the therapist's office
thus letting Karen, Bethany and Lucy sit alone for awhile
which scared me
because
it had not been done in a looooong time

we went in to talk to him
we told him the story about Dr Stone
the sad fucking awful story about that man
how upset we were
how disappointed we were
how we trusted this environment
and our daughter was mistreated

he listened
he asked a lot of questions
and then he explained the other unit at Meridell
it is called the Bunkhouse
and it is more social and peer driven
it would be harder for someone like Karen
because she would have to open up and trust others
but since her QEEG had been normal
it did make more sense

actually
we were never given a choice when we applied her
we were told because of her aggression
that she had to be placed in the neuropsych unit.
doc said,
given her history
it did make sense then
but now they know more

the therapist felt it was a good move for our Karen
then they told us
they had actually been considering it anyway
(so we made it happen sooner)
good news for us
Karen actually had a "friend" from Green Oaks who was in that unit
then
we wanted to know more
we knew
we had to ask who would be her doctor
and the medical director said
he would
he would do more tests than the neuropsych dept
he would do more behavior tests
and the rorshak (you know, the ink blots etc)
and other scene description that shows a lot of insight into their thinking

he then asked if we trusted them enough to make this change
we said we wanted to keep her same therapist
and as long as dr stone was not near her
we were willing to try

we all got up
shook hands
and then went out to get our daughter
we brought her back to the office
we explained the situation
and
she was excited
she heard they had more privileges
she was excited to see her "friend"
she had heard good things about bunkhouse
she was EXCITED!

we left her with lots of hugs and kisses
even from her sister Bethany
who had said she would not do it
I had tears in my eyes
then

we did get to talk to her that night
she sounded tired
but good
now she has 3 roommates
but her friend was in trouble and couldn't be talked to
she had a Goodbye Group therapy with her old unit
and a Welcome Group therapy in her new unit
she said the new unit was more welcoming
and she said the girls were more around her age and nicer

we couldn't have asked
for anything better
at that time
sleep would actually arrive that night.

Picture

It was not right
I didn’t think I could do it
Take the first day of school picture
With only 2 girls

How can this be?
Ever year, for the last 12 years, there have been 3 girls in these pictures
Something is wrong
It doesn’t feel good
I just want to cry

All day long I thought of that picture
how it said what I didn't want to hear
you have a child missing from your home

She is missing
She is not home
I am missing her
I hate this

I have to keep remembering
We are doing the right thing
Our family is too important to
Let her anger
Resentment
Depression
Take over

We all need time to focus on us
Not to worry about making
Karen upset
Angry
Mad
And then be
Walking on eggshells
Waiting for the scream
The cries
The yelling
The throwing of items
The possible kick
To a wall
To a person
To a chair

We deserve better
My family deserves better
My other daughters deserve better
My husband deserves better
I deserve better
And, really
Doesn’t even Karen deserve more?
To feel more at peace
To feel comfortable with herself
And her place in the family

I know all of this is true
But the truth of it is
I just want her home
And I want all my pictures to have 3 girls in them

NO!

I don’t want to hear about
my daughter’s progress
from a stranger

I want to talk to her
I want to know she has a headache
I want to give her that advil

I want to hold her head
after she barfed
I am told
by these strangers
that
she is barfing every day

is it the food?
is it nerves?
is it the medicine?

is she sick?
is she dehydrated?
is she taking care of herself

I hate calling each night
to the nurse’s station
but we can only
talk to her
twice a week
the most she gets is 20 minutes
twice a week
for us
her sisters
her grandparents
both sets

we all care about her
we all want to know about her
we all love her
so much

we just wished she loved herself more
knew how special she is
felt good about herself
her body
her clothes
her hair

why can we see her beauty
but she can’t
why can the school see
her wonderful intelligence
but she can’t
why can the tennis coach
the soccer coach
the athletic director
see her sportsmanship
but her family can’t

why can she be so nice to strangers
and acquaintances
but not to her sisters
or me
or her daddy

we love her so much
but she hurts us

she gets hurt by others
or has been hurt by others
and holds her anger in
to take out on me
or her sisters
or her daddy

No
these strangers don’t understand her
the nurses
and doctors
and therapists
will never love her like I do

No
but can they help her
can they treat her
the way I have never been able to
before
can they understand her
like I do
can they find out the reason
can they help her find her way

I can only hope that these strangers
end up being her friends
and mine