Tuesday, September 29, 2009

leaving her the last time

final family therapy
it went so well
too well
we all got along so well
I didn't want to leave my daughter
I bawled like a baby
it still killed me to leave Karen like that

knowing in less than 48 hours
I was going to have the privlege
of signing her out one last time

I would get to bring her home
to OUR home
to her home
the one that has just not been the same without her

I think the dog will be the most excited
he has no clue what is going on
he usually loves to hang out on Karen's bed
he has practically been following me around
her room is empty
the lights are off
I can hardly bring myself to
go in there myself
the dog is even more confused

But, I could do it
I could let her go
ONE last time
only because I now know
it is one last time

she has worked so hard
she has met the challenges
she has faced obstacles
she had to be a leader
she had to get along with peers
she had to share a room
a bathroom
she even had to do laundry
well
when she remembered
I probably packed her
enough clothes she could go for weeks
so
I bet she did

I am planning not to leave her side
unless she makes me
for a couple of weeks
I told her she was going to get sick of me
she said no way
I liked that answer
she said she wants to slowly adjust back to school
her school
such a wonderful place
such a warm place
such a welcoming place
told my husband and me
that anything Karen wanted
they would work out

WOW
we have kids at 2 schools
and we know
for sure
the other one would never do that
but
let's not dwell on that school
let's focus on Karen's great school
the best place for her
the best environment for her
one where she feels safe
she feels connected
she feels is the best school
so that
is all that matters

But
no matter what
leaving her is hard
the first time
I cried so hard on the way home
my husband and I were silent
we were hurting so much
then there was the time
she had one of her
"doozies" of an outburst
her new word
not mine
that we had to leave her
when she was still upset
that made it
extremely hard to leave


At least this time
her smile was beaming
her eyes were shiny
she knew it was less than 48 hours too

I wanted to run back in and grab her
but I had to make it to the car
I had to drive away
but I would come back
yes
I could do it