alone

so yesterday

there was a botched terrorist bombing
at my husband’s office

I heard about it last night
that is when I assumed it had happened
silly me
tonight he told me it was at 10 am
the day before
while he was there at work
on the phone
with me and the head of the middle school
ugh, don’t get me started on that

but he was there
some Jordanian 19 year old dumbass
who now lives in Italy Texas
loaded up a van with
dirt, which he thought was fertilizer
like Timothy McVeigh
that the FBI had been working with him
for months and planned this with him
he drove that van
into my husband’s office building
into the bank parking
and park in the guest parking I use whenever I visit
he had pulled out the parking ticket
just like I do
he had parked the car
just like I do
but he walked out of the parking garage to the street
unlike me
I usually that take the elevator up to the top floor

this man
boy
child
jack ass
shit for brains
has a cell phone to
"detonate” the truck of shit
he is to place a call on this cell phone
to a special number which will detonate
this bomb
and kill all the innocent
people of this building
my husband included
because there is a Wells Fargo
mortgage banking office there
woo hoo
like he would be taking down the whole national bank chain
scary

well when he dials the phone
he actually was calling the FBI
so they knew he tried to detonate
and they could arrest him
they did
and kept all of this a secret
the building security did not know it was going on
the local police did not know it was going on
nobody but the 3 FBI officers
and then the swat teams
and the reporters
and the news
and the media
but not until 5:00
when most of the offices were closed
and people like my husband were long gone

my husband hears the news after 10 pm
from friends who saw it on the news
we laugh it off
we can hardly believe it

so, when I heard the news tonight
that he was there while this was happening
I immediately felt like a bad wife
I just let him go to work this morning
like I always do
I was not worried for his safety
and other people were

then he found out more info
as the day went on
that it had happened at 10 am the day before
he was there
but the FBI kept it a secret
they wanted to have all the information
before they made it public
they didn’t want to notify the building
finding out about the incident
before all the details were known
and
I am guessing
and assuming
(a thinking error I know)
that one reason may have been
to get all the occupants out
before the story unfolds
so there is not a mad rush out of the building
and then someone does get hurt

I thought
what would I do
if something were to happen to him
if we were on the phone
and all of a sudden
boom
just gone

I would pick up my girls
we would pack only the necessities
and move
to a small town
near a beach
or near the mountains
or near nature
not just some shopping mall

we would open a fashion store for my middlest
she could work there and know what to buy
we would sponsor all my littlest sports teams
because she always wants to be part of a team
she runs up and down the field, court, tracks smiling
and in this shop
we would have a coffee shop
where music would play
and Karen would be in charge of that
and have guitar song sessions at night
where we could serve wine
and that would make me happy

I would miss some things
well, my husband of course,
I would miss the starbucks coffee I like to buy
already made, instead of doing it myself
I would miss being able to run into a
jumbo grocery store and buy a week’s or possibly
a month’s worth of supplies in a matter of minutes

but I wouldn’t miss the traffic
the city shit
the gossip
the construction
the highways
the snobs
the stares, glares and looks of others judging
I wouldn’t miss the stress

the constant anxiety
the lack of sleep
the worries of bills from a large house
or a private school
the guilt parties
the pity parties
the fundraising parties
that can be fun, or can be a beating

what would I miss
besides sleeping next to a snoring man the rest of my life
(and I do mean that in a good way, I would much rather have him there
snoring than not having him beside me at all)
my friends

my wine could tide me over for a bit
maybe I wouldn’t need the xanax to help me sleep
or any of the other drugs
for headaches or other hurts

but friends
to laugh with
to cry with
to tell funny stories with
to have wine with
to have too much wine with
and need a ride home
to have too many apple martinis
and barf on a sidewalk café
at one of those Starbucks that I would miss

to gripe to
to listen to
whose smiles could make me smile
whose laughter can make me want to pee in my pants
whose heartbreak is my heartbreak
whose sorrows I will cry with
and who victories I would celebrate with
and whose divorces I would dance about

as much as I would want to make a life easier for my children
I don’t know if I could make mine so lonely