Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ouch

not fair
not right
not making this any easier

watching my child
cry
red faced
and angry
lips curled
knives dodging out of her eyes

hating her situation
hating her scenario

thinking the rules are stupid
being “effing” bored
thinking some people are hypocrites

but she still has so far to go
she says she will be okay at home
but she won't
she says she did not realize some
“thinking errors” that to me were so obvious
anger
hatred
crying

wanting an easy answer
there is no easy answer

she must work hard
she has to commit
she has to open up her true feelings
for her doctor
for her therapist
for her teachers
because
I think
they can tell she is holding back

the more uncomfortable she is
the more she is showing her true self

now not being able to shave in the shower
I understand that frustration
having to only shave with an electric razor
in a hallway
in a t-shirt
trying to do it under a t-shirt
with no mirror
must feel awkward

but they have to be safe
I have to know she is safe
or I won’t be able to sleep

she must take drugs to sleep now
so do I

I can’t even cook dinner anymore
it brings me to tears
there is only 4 of us
we have someone missing
it is not right
it sucks
I want her home

but I don’t want her home
until she is ready
if she comes home too early
and falls apart
I am scared she will feel like a failure
and then be even worse then when this started

she now says the doctors and therapists and nurses
“lied” from her first place
they told her most of the patients are out within
2 to 6 weeks
she will probably be there for over 6 weeks

has she known anyone to be there less yet?
has she met anyone who was only there for 2?
has she met girls who were there for 8 months?
yes
and that scared the shit out of her
8 months
she screamed that first night on the phone
both her dad and I crumbled in tears too
we didn't want her gone that long

but now we see how much she needs it
she still needs it
she is getting better
slowly
we can't rush it
she can't rush it
it will get here
but, just not soon enough