I learned I need to make sure that I am good first

I learned that I need to make sure
that
I
am good
FIRST

I used to put myself last
always
I was worried about other people's
feelings
and
judgments

now
I look at ME first
them my husband
then my children
then anyone else

WOW
what a difference


When I would put my kids first
they always put me last
or
so it seemed
and
my oldest

she has anxiety always

haters are going to hate

well

Karen is going to worry
no matter what
she will find a way...



My random thoughts on
what makes a marriage work

Trust
Respect
Love
Honesty
and
of course
Communication


Oh GOSH so much is happening
my kids
applying to school
college
grad schools
so much change

Between all of this
I feel a lot of
anger
anxiety
depression
lack of control

and
there is my worry
so much of my life has been being a mom
I need to find a new career
because
Mine
is coming to a close....

why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 

Why
What makes this happen  

Why now 

Why

What is the reason 

The impatience 

The disrespect  

The selfishness 

One day
I think all is great

Then
Out of nowhere 

She loses it 

All over again 

Just stay calm 

Let it go

But she can't  

She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 

There is nothing I can do 

She won't stop 

She doesn't stop 

In fact

She just makes it worse

She needs to just be quiet

Just listen

Just breathe 

She needs to get control 

I can't do it for her

As much as I want to 

She has to learn 

She has to keep learning

She must keep trying 

And not give up

Most importantly 

she needs to learn to be quiet 

and listen to others 

Damn I hate this

I hate it

I really really hate it  

Why does it keep happening? 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Summer is starting and I am numb

That is how I feel

Numb

Nothing

When things fall apart

I just feel numb

I've been hurt so many times

I'm so sick of being yelled at

Being told I'm hated

She's sick

And all I do is help

But nothing changes

I hurt

She hurts

She hurts me

She hurts everyone around her

All we want to do is help her

26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
children
teachers
and administration
before taking his own life

awful
scary
suffering

the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

randomly
without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

stressful holiday times

so mad at myself
really effed up some good family time

i hate when i do that
i am not seeing the big picture
i get upset about one stupid thing
and let it ruin all around me

this time is precious
we are all together for such a short time

karen is home for only 2 weeks
Bethany & Lucy have only 2 weeks off
and they only overlap one week

why do i let these little things get me down
then i hide
in my bed
because i am so embarrassed
defeating
upset with myself

mental health is not a given
we can all become unstable easily
and then beat ourselves up
when it continues to happen
and the same patterns continue

oh
i need to let it go
but it is so hard

forgiving myself is usually harder than
forgiving others

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Summer....

i never want it to end
love having the lazy days around here
sleeping in
sharing lunch
staying up late
watching tv
or movies
or just talking

i want my kids around me
i don't want them to go back to school

i hate when this happens
every year

some days
so many parents say they can't wait for school to start
but
i have always been different

i want them home
i don't like the schedules
the girls seem to get along better
when we just are
just be
just do
what we want
instead of
having to wake up
be somewhere they don't want to go
and not like it

pajamas are a great choice of clothing
at this time of the year
maybe it is nice outside
but it is always comfy inside the house
warm
and inviting
and loving

i know it has to end
but it is always hard for me

end of the school year...how did it go

new schools for 2 girls
can't believe it went by so fast

one to new college
one to new high school
both made new friends
and are very happy with the change

frustrating at times
one away from home
for the first time

but
in reality
we never thought she would get there
be able to do it
although times were tough
she did it
we did it

our family survived
and
are stronger because of it

glad that all changes have been good
everyone finally settled
and the year was good

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred

Christmas in Portland

On the plane home

I got to write this ditty

it is 

pretty cool

this new technology

so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-

karen didn't punch anyone in the face

the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere

my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful

they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?

Jeff

yep, the one person who i should be able to trust

was the one who let me down

it sucked

and it all started at the dfw airport

before we were on the flight

it was awful

it was horrible

he didn't support me over something with Bethany

so  Bethany was screaming at me

and he was just trying to get me to shut up

not Bethany

and it was

over something incredibly stupid

that I just needed to say to Bethany

but she kept interupting me

and wouldn't let me talk

or finish

or whatever

it seemed that everyone

got involved then

jeff

lucy

karen

along with Bethany

against me

so guess what?

TSA had to come talk to me

watching me

almost didn't let me on the plane

and

at that point

I didn't care

i wanted the situation resolved

before boarding

but

since Jeff reprimanded me

in front of the TSA employee

instead of

supporting me

after telling her

that everything would be fine

it was not resolved

and I was

followed onto the plane

then I sat down

and cried

pretty continuously

the whole 4 hour plane ride

it was lovely

i was next to karen

she was wonderful

and took care of me

but

jeff

nor lucy

nor bethany

even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe

the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland

my mother was wonderful to me

and my kids

my father was great to me

and my kids

my brother

shocked the shit

out of me with his openess

hospitality to me, my husband

and all of my children

even karen chose to go in his car

a few times

she relaxed

which made me feel better

my sister in law

made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals

and that Lucy didn't feel left out

she took them shopping

which she really enjoyed since she only has boys

and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her

it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death

so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff

got better

but it did such for a few days

especially when he didn't realize

how he had treated me

and didn't see

how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while

we were there......

for instance

when karen was worried

since we weren't all giddy that

we would get divorced

he told her he didn't know

nor did he tell me that I should talk to her

omg,

just what karen needed

something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked

about how important it was

for all 5 of us to talk about

the "airport incident" and

me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"

(whatever)

He told the girls

that *I* wanted to get us all together

so when I saw down

again

it was me against them

such a lovely feeling (not)

but

it's over

and I may still be a little pissed

but

i know

i need to let it go

anyway

about Portland

we were lucky,

we got sun our first full day there

seriously lucky

then the next couple of days

it was cloudy and grey

but then yesterday

and today

it was raining

yucky

grey skies

raining, pitter patter rain

not thunderstorm rain

the kind that makes you sleepy

drowsy

get under your covers and read a book

watch a movie

or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in

the adults went out to dinner

and the kids got pizza and rented a movie

all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them

that is their chirstmas eve tradition

they went to mass,

we rested at the hotel

until we all met back at their home

dinner was lasagna

molly's famous meat lasagna

that she only makes at christmas

but she made her regular veggie one too

for bethany

sourdough bread

salad and christmas cookies

the next morning

we got over there early

opened our christmas gift

we all got stockings

even Jeff and I were

given something small

in my brother's athletic socks

because we didn't have official santa stockings

we gave all of them small gifts

(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes

and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage

that my brother now makes

it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition

of going to the movies

they always do it too

we split up

one of my nephews and I went to see

"the girl with the dragon tatoo"

Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's

everyone else saw "Hugo"

then we went back to their house

for a crab fest christmas dinner

Monday

all the girls (minus karen)

went shopping

and the boys plus karen

were going to go do nature things

but the boys didn't really want to go

so they went to a real

record store

and hung out

that night we went to Jake's seafood

it is an old staple

like Joe's stone crab in miami

and every single thing we ate was delicious

seriously

Yesterday

we went to a famous portland Deli

went to powell's books

a multi level bookstore

that is the biggest in north america

if not all of the americas

where all the kids

got to pick out their hanukkah gifts

from my brother's family

then we went to a matinee

performance of

The Santa Land Diaries

the David Sedaris story

it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house

for our hanukkah exchange

brisket & latkes

and lighting of the candles

for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)

Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere

but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye

and i don't think there were any regrets

like I said

they exceeded my expectations!

it ended up being fabulous

and very memorable!

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
but
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
but
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there
listen

i want to fix it
but
i can't
and
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Crying

i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

sometimes
i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
but
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

often
i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
but
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
and
again
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
and
sometimes
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it

need to catch up

the oldest went to college
the middle started her junior year in high school
the youngest started high school

where did the time go
i know
i feel it
just yesterday
i was changing diapers
and washing faces

now
they are older
they are sassy
they can be independent
but they can also be dependent

transition has been difficult
for all of them
and
for me

some days the oldest calls
6 times a day
sometimes
just once a day

the middle one
needs me some days
and others
not so much

the youngest one
is gently
becoming her own person
knowing that a smile helps
but
that she doesn't need me around all the time any more

i hate it
i admit it

when my oldest and I
are together
we have so much fun
but then she leaves
or I leave her
and
i get depressed all over again

when my middle one gets angry
at me
or the world
i want to fix it for her
she is suffering
over the loss of her friend
but i can't help
nor will she let me try

my youngest is quieter
she is helpful to her friend
who lost the sister
so she takes her lead from her
in how to react
she is making new friends
and
keeping in touch with all
her old ones

some days
i just wonder what to do....

friends on the same path

it saddens me
that lately
I hear of more friends who have to go down this same path
that our family has taken with mental health

what has become of our world
our society
our schools
our families
that so many children
need a break
to help themselves find themselves

so many kids
are on the wrong path
because of
the pressure
the anxiety
the worry
the expectations
of society, schools and families

I hate that these people have to experience
what we did
I hate that there is not one answer
because there isn't
every child
every parent
needs their own time
and their own schedule

some people have asked me
if we had gotten our daughter
help earlier
would it have been different

honestly
I don't think so
because
when she went
even though she didn't know it at the time
she knew something was wrong
and she needed help
before that
she never had remorse
she didn't care
she felt she was owed something

before
she thought the world was treating her unfairly
that everyone else was causing stuff to happen to her
until she could see that she was causing the scenarios
to happen
she could never get the point that she needed to be
to start to get help

for all my friends
family
and another other person having to go on this path
I wish for us and them
that there is always a better tomorrow

My daughter the Valedictorian

Finally
after 8 years of wishing
my oldest daughter got THE phone call this past Monday
She had the highest grade point average in her class
so finally
she was officially the Valedictorian of the Winston School 2011

Here is the speech she wrote
She spoke so beautifully
of the support
and trying times she had experienced in recent years
 She received a standing ovation
she deserved it wholeheartedly
I was in awe of her truthfulness
I am very blessed

When I was in fourth grade, I learned they had an award for being the best at academics. So ever since, because I have always been a hard worker and studious, I’ve dreamed of becoming valedictorian. If anyone asked me why, it would be very hard to explain. It was something I dreamed about at my previous school, a very competitive private school that constantly filled me with stress. When I began to excel at Winston, it was something I hoped was finally possible. And when I missed the first six weeks of school during my junior year because I was at a residential treatment center, I hoped I had not messed up my chances. To me, valedictorian has always represented the achievement of overcoming the odds, which is why I am proud to stand before you today. I have overcome my difficulties, and without Winston, it would not have happened.

At my old school I did nothing but study, or cry that I needed to study. I came home and passed out on my bed fully clothed from all the stress. My parents pulled me out of that school, something I will always be thankful for. They sent me to The Winston School, which is right behind my house, and that I walk to each day. I’ve always thought that was pretty sweet.

I felt better at Winston, but not all the way. This is because I had more problems than my learning differences, dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADHD, which my peers have also. My main problem was my anxiety and depression, which could not be cured through a simple change in environment. My stress from the academics of school was lifted, because Winston’s atmosphere fit me a lot better. I loved that people were not asking me my grade on my last test every second, as this kind of competitiveness can get very taxing. The problem, though, was my anxiety and depression were causing me problems socially.  I had no friends. I did not even really start talking to people until the end of my 10^th grade year. But when I did start to talk to people, I learned that our class is one great bunch of kids.

When I started to stretch my social muscles, our class of 2011 was always very inclusive. They are nice to everyone, and through this they taught me to be more social. I’ve learned how to approach people, and to not stay in the shadows. This is one of the reasons I will always love Winston.

Of course, it is not the only reason. Winston will always have my appreciation for how they helped me at the beginning of my junior year. I missed the first six weeks of school to go to a residential treatment center to work on my anxiety, depression, and anger. I was nervous about missing so much school, which I guess isn’t saying much considering that I have chronic anxiety, but it truly was driving me mad. Then, while I was at the treatment center, I got a card from Mr. Della Costa. This one card made me feel better. I was worried about teachers being mad at me about missing too much school work, but Mr. Della Costa’s card not only made me feel better about returning to band, but also about returning to school in general. Mr. D wished me well, told me how band was going, and said he would not start drum line until his student director returned. The last line said, “So hang in there and whenever you are ready to start band- come in!” And I did hang in there. I got out of the residential treatment center, as a much happier and calmer person, right before my birthday. I was back at school just in time for the second six weeks grading period, and everyone was very nice about my return.

My first day I walked in the school as if I was walking on broken glass, because I was scared to see anyone and hear what they were going to say. This worrying was unnecessary because the first person I saw welcomed me back and gave me a hug. People also knew not to ask me too many questions, which filled me with relief. My friends had even gotten a bunch of people to sign a welcome back poster for me. When I returned, my peers made me feel important. They helped me with my transition back to school.

Everyone at Winston understood that I was going through a hard time, and they were very accommodating. My teachers were understanding about the situation, and helped me get caught up in all my classes. I was very worried about the college process, and I thought my time at the residential center had ruined my chances of making it into a “good” college. Ms. Carlson, though, showed me that everything was fine and I still had the chance to go to any college I wanted. She also showed me that a good college is not defined as an Ivy League school, but the school that is right for me.

I felt sick a lot, so I would often go to Nurse Heck, who I met that year. She always helped me feel better, and she was always there to talk. Sometimes I would just talk to her for almost a whole class period, because she had the ability to calm me after any panic attack. I also had to leave school early, but the administrators and my classmates were always very understanding. Slowly, the Winston environment was helping me to grow.

The next year I was voted Homecoming Queen, and I must say I was probably the most surprised person at that football game. This had been voted on by my peers, and it showed how far I had come. Thanks to Winston I had friends, people thought I was kind, and I now had the confidence to stand in front of friends, family, even strangers.

This year, I have felt more confident and hopeful. Despite all the college and senior excitement, Winston allowed me to dedicate my time to Vogel Alcove, a childcare center for homeless children, two days a week during spring semester. I am sure my absences worried some, but to me they represent the first time I could emotionally put others ahead of my academics. This was an enormous step for me and thanks to everyone who allowed this to happen.

So I stand here today, as valedictorian. My goal was reached, but my feelings are different. I have worked not only on my learning differences, but also on my anxiety and depression, which I know some of my classmates have struggled with as well. I have made friends and grown as a person. To the Winston community, I will always be grateful. To my classmates, The Winston Class of 2011, if you guys can help someone like me, which all of you did in your own way, you can do anything. All of you are amazing people, who I know will go far in life. Also, speaking on behalf of the class, I would like to thank all the parents, siblings (in my case sisters) and extended family, because like my own family, you have helped make us become the successful adults we are today.

Congratulations Class of 2011, we are graduating today, having overcome one thing or another. Look back at your lives, and you will also see how far you have made it. We should all be proud of what we have accomplished.

Thank you!!!

parenting another

i have 3 girls
so I adopted a boy
not just any boy
but a little brother
for me
not my girls

it is hard sometimes
because he needs a mother
even when she comes in town
because
she is not a mother
a typical mother
she only thinks of herself
and I can tell that
Micah
needs a mom
he actually needs a woman
he can trust
so I became that woman
on my own
and I told him so

however
this spring
he discovered he had a tumor
in his jaw
thank gawd
it was not malignant
but
it still needed to be cut out
and bone had to be replaced
by metal
and surgery was going to last hours
and more hours
in the hospital
and days recovering
well
no
weeks
possibly months
recovering

I wanted to take care of him
like I always do
I have been there
for nose surgery
emergency surgery
on said tumor
colds
whatever he needed
he knew to call me

leading up to the surgery
he told me
his mother
was coming in
I freaked
in the 10 years I have known him
she has never come to town
he assured me he was fine
but I worried
that I would not be
I worried
that I would go off on her
well
I didn't
she helped me
understand him

that ended up being a good thing
I was nice to her
I listened to her
I helped calm him down
when he was bothered by her

then
it was time for her to leave
he was not better
no
really
his mouth was wired shut
so he could barely eat
yet
he had to take strong medication
and he
threw up
that was the scariest thing
i ever heard

i drove them both
to the ER
and I spoke to her all night
she was scared to leave the city
but
she needed to get back home
to work

I helped make a schedule
someone was going to stay with him
at his house
for 3 nights
then he would move in with me
my family
my husband
my daughters
while that person
went out of town

he was pissed
i knew he would be

but I was not prepared
for how he acted
when he got to my house

like a toddler
like a child
who didn't get their way

ugh
all I wanted to do was help
but
he saw it as
taking away
his freedom
I had to let him go
I took him home
after 24 hours
he needed that

he needed to be in his own bed
i needed to trust
that he was okay
it is all about letting go
i will learn that soon enough

i parent 3 teenage girls
i don't need to parent
a 30 year old either
i can be his sister
his older sister
not his mother

that is good enough for me
and for him

anxiety...anxiety...anxiety

oh my gosh
am I going to make it
is she going to make it

Karen has been thinking
and been getting hints all year
that she is the
valedictorian
of her high school class

but the school
doesn't announce their decision
until the Monday
before graduation

Karen is frustrated
teachers have made comments
students have made assumptions
even some administration
have given hints
Jeff even called the headmaster
to ask
but she was more concerned
that teachers and administrators
had over stepped their bounds
than Karen
having an anxiety attack.

it is so frustrating
i know it is killing her
she can't sleep
she is anxious
and pulling her hair out
she is on edge
she is obsessed with this
she can't focus
she can't think straight
this is all she wants
and
she wants to know
if there is even a chance

Oh
I want to help
of course
the enabler in me
the one who wants to fix things
but
she will have to wait
like everyone else

i hate that.....