Wednesday, September 29, 2010


kids today are under so much pressure
i know
i was in high school
a loooong time ago
but i remember having fun
i made good enough grades
and good enough test scores
to go to a great college
where i also had fun

i see my own children
freaking out about making a B
and worse for a C
thank goodness i was not like that
but still
a few days ago
my middlest wouldn't go to school
she seemed sick
my husband and i
told her to go back to bed

that afternoon
when she woke up
at 4 pm
she told me she was too scared to go
she was worried about a class
she was concerned about the work
she couldn't keep up
she was scared of her grades
and the teacher

uh oh
been there
done that
when the oldest felt like that
we knew she needed to get out
the middlest is different
she is stronger
she told us she would be good with whatever she got
she was lying to us
and herself
she is not good with C's
at this school

we went to talk to the head of upper school
she is only about a month into sophomore year
i want her out
not at the end of the semester
or the end of the year
i don't care about the money
i just want her happy

i am calling schools
talking to her
talking to her advisor
having her go to her therapist
she needs to make the decision
it is her life
i hate seeing her in pain
i hate seeing her down on herself
i hate hearing that she doesn't have time for a social life
that all she does is study
and then she is not content with the grades she is getting

i have seen these signs of depression before
and i don't want that to happen to our family again
we know the consequences
we know the feelings
we know we need to help her

public school
private school
jewish school
non denominational school

i don't care
i just want her happy
and feeling good about herself
and being happy with her life

that is all that matters to me
happy children
happy family
just need to get there

Sunday, September 19, 2010

a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
and made promises
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
i won't dwell on them
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

16 years ago today

since last year
I noticed that the middlest
found out she needed her big sister
and today
she turned 16
I thought I needed to revisit this area again

what a difference a year has made
there have been rough times
for sure
good times
sad times
scary times

the 2 oldest sisters
have gotten along
so much better
sometimes I am not sure I am in the right house

every day
it is getting better and better
they are relating to one another
even joking
and being sarcastic
without any tears
or fears that
something is not a joke

last week
I heard the girls talking late in the night
it was a school night
I was on the couch
I put down my book
I couldn't hear what they were saying
they were talking
and enjoying each other's company
I closed my book
said a prayer
and tears came to my eyes

I never would have pictured this
would happen so soon
I never thought it could
be this good

the fact that they openly
tell each other
that they love one another
is a gift
and it just keeps giving
every day