3day 2010

i didn't feel like crewing again
seriously
a week before the event
i was depressed
and bothered by so much in my life
i wondered if i should do it
i knew i needed energy
and enthusiasm
but i wasn't feeling it

each day that passed
i thought about calling my team leader
but
i didn't want to disappoint her
damn me
for being so loyal
and honest
and trustworthy

crew day
was exciting
it was good to see
my old workers
and friends that bond during the weekend
and
most important
i remembered
why the 3day is so important

walking is amazing
i loved that
the encouragement
the energy
the excitement
the thrill of finishing
of walking with tears in your eyes

crewing is different
you are the cheerleaders
so
at this time
while feeling down
could i help
others feel up?

it ended up being cathartic
in a way i never imagined
i didn't really think about myself
for 3 days
i didn't care if my back hurt
my feet hurt
my head hurt
or my feelings were hurt
i ignored it all
it was good to be out of
the real world
and just focused
on something totally different

yes
i was exhausted
and i did walk with tears in my eyes
as my entire lunch team
walked the last few steps
together
into the final rest area
everyone waving
cheering
calling out
hands touching
high fiving
just appreciative

because of my
own depression though
i did notice
something else
i felt removed
i felt disconnected
from most feelings

i could do my job
"turkey, chicken or veggie"
or
"go walkers, you are halfway there"
or
"welcome to lunch"
or
"aloha"
since we were a luau station

the tears did not come until the end
and i was grateful
for the feeling
for the knowledge of being alive
and being part of something important

glad to know
that i can make a difference
and that i can help
my daughters live in a
world without breast cancer
because
everyone deserves a lifetime

wonderful weekend

so many good things to report

1-the Komen 3day
I have walked this amazing event twice
and it is an experience that
seriously can not be explained
in mere words
it is magical
exhausting
but exhilarating at the same time
I was in the lunch crew last year
and enjoyed that experience just as much
I was giving back
and felt complete
I had signed up
and was planning to do it again this year
but
with all going on
with my biggest and her treatment
I had to withdraw
but my team captain
let me help out for the first day
I dressed up like the others
and after psyching Karen up
and getting her off to school
late again
some days are tougher than others

then
I showed up at the site
The magic in the air
the excitement
ALL THE PINK
I helped welcome walkers into lunch
because I was not official
so I couldn't help with food
not really a problem

It ended up being great
I saw a former team mate
I saw old freinds
made new ones
cheered walkers on
made sure the limping ones
got medical attention
It uplifted me
in a way I was not expecting
in this part of my life experience
I have been so focused
on mental health
and mental illness awareness

it did me good to see the signs
the pictures
of the ones whose memories
will never be forgotten
whose lives were lost
to breast cancer
or ones who were still
fighting the battle
and wouldn't give up

it was great to see my old
crew mates from last year
many of them knew my situation
and they welcomed
me with open arms

it just felt good

2-my best friend's son's bar mitzvah weekend

we helped host the shabbat dinner
at the synogogue they attend
not my usual temple
but one that I also love
the rabbi there
is an inspiration
he always speaks so eloquently
and makes the community feel good
I got to read on the bima
in english
thank goodness

I became a bat mitzvah myself
a year ago
but I can't read all hebrew
so that was a relief

my friend's husband
son
and daughter led most of the service
except for the sermon
that the rabbi preached so well

and when my husband and I got home
we discovered that all 3 girls
had been home
alone
for hours
and there was no fighting

we were thrilled

The next morning
the shabbat
and bar mitzvah service

Lucy and I got there early
he is her friend
very good friend
from life
and camp
so camp friends from out of town
were there too

My husband
middlest and oldest came later
but Karen came
yea
and she dressed nicely
didn't complain
and sat through the service

it was a wonderful
accomplishment

she didn't attend the party that night
but she went out with a friend
like any other teenager
and it made us so happy

the party was amazing
beautifully done
and enjoyed by all

it was a good weekend
one for the books

funeral for a child

I got the email
late monday
an 18
almost 19 year old girl
died
suddenly
walking across campus
she was a daughter of a woman
I walked the Komen 3day with
2 years ago
we stayed in touch
our team was special

But
her daughter
just gone
she collapsed
from a blood clot
in her leg
that traveled to her lung
just gone

My friend
Laurel
I could not imagine
how she could be handling this
I "lost" my daughter
for 2 months
but I knew where she was
the whole time
just wanting her to come home
but
this was totally different
she lost her daughter for good
her only daughter
she had 3 children
an older son
and a younger son
much younger
11 or so
and the saddest thing was
that the day after her death
was the girl's birthday

Today was the funeral
my 3day team went together
we met
walked in together
sat together
cried together
this was something we never could have imagined
we are all different
some are married
some are not
some have children
some do not
but we shared an experience
that can never be explained

we watched our friend walk in the room
the temple was full
as full as it could be
teenagers
seniors
women and men of my age
all looking puzzled
we should never have to be there
we should not have to listen to what
a beautiful child Tracy Fisher was
this did not make sense
the tears were streaming down all the faces
one musical
strong teenage boy
sang and played the guitar
one of Tracy's favorite songs
he was so strong
and I knew he had been distraught
over this situation

Later
I went over to the Fisher house
I sat with my friend
just listening to her
she had spoken to her daughter on sunday night
her daughter wanted to come home for thanksgiving
she was making plane reservations
my friend said the email is still in her inbox
she saw it
after she heard of her daughter's death
she couldn't bring herself to open it
I listened to how happy her daughter had been in college
I had seen so many pictures on facebook
my friend was posting
gorgeous baby pictures of her daughter
with beautiful captions
of what an angel she was
and is now

Even though
I did nothing
I wanted to help
in some way

but
there was nothing to say
nothing to do
nothing could make that pain go away

I just sat
and listened
to her
and her stories
and wondered
if she would ever be good
again