Thursday, October 22, 2009

funeral for a child

I got the email
late monday
an 18
almost 19 year old girl
died
suddenly
walking across campus
she was a daughter of a woman
I walked the Komen 3day with
2 years ago
we stayed in touch
our team was special

But
her daughter
just gone
she collapsed
from a blood clot
in her leg
that traveled to her lung
just gone

My friend
Laurel
I could not imagine
how she could be handling this
I "lost" my daughter
for 2 months
but I knew where she was
the whole time
just wanting her to come home
but
this was totally different
she lost her daughter for good
her only daughter
she had 3 children
an older son
and a younger son
much younger
11 or so
and the saddest thing was
that the day after her death
was the girl's birthday

Today was the funeral
my 3day team went together
we met
walked in together
sat together
cried together
this was something we never could have imagined
we are all different
some are married
some are not
some have children
some do not
but we shared an experience
that can never be explained

we watched our friend walk in the room
the temple was full
as full as it could be
teenagers
seniors
women and men of my age
all looking puzzled
we should never have to be there
we should not have to listen to what
a beautiful child Tracy Fisher was
this did not make sense
the tears were streaming down all the faces
one musical
strong teenage boy
sang and played the guitar
one of Tracy's favorite songs
he was so strong
and I knew he had been distraught
over this situation

Later
I went over to the Fisher house
I sat with my friend
just listening to her
she had spoken to her daughter on sunday night
her daughter wanted to come home for thanksgiving
she was making plane reservations
my friend said the email is still in her inbox
she saw it
after she heard of her daughter's death
she couldn't bring herself to open it
I listened to how happy her daughter had been in college
I had seen so many pictures on facebook
my friend was posting
gorgeous baby pictures of her daughter
with beautiful captions
of what an angel she was
and is now

Even though
I did nothing
I wanted to help
in some way

but
there was nothing to say
nothing to do
nothing could make that pain go away

I just sat
and listened
to her
and her stories
and wondered
if she would ever be good
again