Monday, October 26, 2009

nothing right

Today
I went to the psychiatrist with Bethany
her psychiatrist
the one she thought she didn't need

But she wanted me to meet with her there
and I felt like a failure
that I had not thought of her
she felt I did not ever think of her

Ugh
I feel like I can't do right by anyone
I feel like a shitty mom
She reminded me of situations
where she felt like an outsider
where I didn't think of her feelings

It scared me
it reminded me of some situations
with my own mother
which is something else all on its own

But I needed to repair this situation
she is bothered
how unhappy I have been
she worries about me and my own depression
she felt she was taking care of me
when I should have been taking care of her
and she didn't like when
my husband was in charge
when I should have been

How I was different
or I would take too many naps
go to bed
instead of facing things head on
I was weak
and
in reality
it was just not because of Karen
it was me
my insecurities
my anxieties
my situation with some of my own family members
that I could not even tell her about

I was keeping things from her
or so I thought
but instead
I was keeping myself from her
I thought I was protecting her
but
she could feel the distance
and it hurt her
she is so sensitive
even though
she is a typical teenager
she acts tough
when everyone is watching
but
often
inside
she is just a little girl

She is usually confident
but this whole family
situation
has affected all of us
she is still holding grudges
towards her big sister
and the history between them
I worry every day
that we have made mistakes
with Karen
with all of them
and that I am at fault

my middlest was hurting
she wanted me to know
and I just cried more
I listened
I wanted to fix it
I want to help her to heal
I have made more of a mess of this
instead of sheltering her
I think I pushed her away

I need to fix it
I don't need to keep secrets
I need to be a mother again
for ALL my children

My littlest would never admit
if I made a mistake with her
she worries about hurting other people's feelings

But
Bethany
wants to tell the truth
she wants change

and I thank god
she told me now
when I have time
to change my behavior
and let her know
that I care for her so much
that I don't want her to feel this way

I love her to pieces
and I want her to know that
and even with that tough exterior
I need to remember
that soft inside
that needs cuddling
every once in a while

I will keep reminding myself
that I can do
something right
and get something right
for her