Showing posts with label residential treatment center. Show all posts
Showing posts with label residential treatment center. Show all posts

Saturday, August 24, 2013

why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 
Why
What makes this happen  
Why now 
Why
What is the reason 
The impatience 
The disrespect  
The selfishness 
One day
I think all is great
Then
Out of nowhere 
She loses it 
All over again 
Just stay calm 
Let it go
But she can't  
She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 
There is nothing I can do 
She won't stop 
She doesn't stop 
In fact
She just makes it worse
She needs to just be quiet
Just listen
Just breathe 
She needs to get control 
I can't do it for her
As much as I want to 
She has to learn 
She has to keep learning
She must keep trying 
And not give up
Most importantly 
she needs to learn to be quiet 
and listen to others 
Damn I hate this
I hate it
I really really hate it  
Why does it keep happening? 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Summer is starting and I am numb

That is how I feel
Numb
Nothing
When things fall apart
I just feel numb

I've been hurt so many times

I'm so sick of being yelled at
Being told I'm hated

She's sick
And all I do is help
But nothing changes

I hurt
She hurts
She hurts me
She hurts everyone around her

All we want to do is help her

Monday, October 8, 2012

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred





Friday, December 16, 2011

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Saturday, June 25, 2011

friends on the same path

it saddens me
that lately
I hear of more friends who have to go down this same path
that our family has taken with mental health

what has become of our world
our society
our schools
our families
that so many children
need a break
to help themselves find themselves

so many kids
are on the wrong path
because of
the pressure
the anxiety
the worry
the expectations
of society, schools and families

I hate that these people have to experience
what we did
I hate that there is not one answer
because there isn't
every child
every parent
needs their own time
and their own schedule

some people have asked me
if we had gotten our daughter
help earlier
would it have been different

honestly
I don't think so
because
when she went
even though she didn't know it at the time
she knew something was wrong
and she needed help
before that
she never had remorse
she didn't care
she felt she was owed something

before
she thought the world was treating her unfairly
that everyone else was causing stuff to happen to her
until she could see that she was causing the scenarios
to happen
she could never get the point that she needed to be
to start to get help

for all my friends
family
and another other person having to go on this path
I wish for us and them
that there is always a better tomorrow

Friday, May 27, 2011

My daughter the Valedictorian

Finally
after 8 years of wishing
my oldest daughter got THE phone call this past Monday
She had the highest grade point average in her class
so finally
she was officially the Valedictorian of the Winston School 2011

Here is the speech she wrote
She spoke so beautifully
of the support
and trying times she had experienced in recent years
 She received a standing ovation
she deserved it wholeheartedly
I was in awe of her truthfulness
I am very blessed

When I was in fourth grade, I learned they had an award for being the best at academics. So ever since, because I have always been a hard worker and studious, I’ve dreamed of becoming valedictorian. If anyone asked me why, it would be very hard to explain. It was something I dreamed about at my previous school, a very competitive private school that constantly filled me with stress. When I began to excel at Winston, it was something I hoped was finally possible. And when I missed the first six weeks of school during my junior year because I was at a residential treatment center, I hoped I had not messed up my chances. To me, valedictorian has always represented the achievement of overcoming the odds, which is why I am proud to stand before you today. I have overcome my difficulties, and without Winston, it would not have happened.
At my old school I did nothing but study, or cry that I needed to study. I came home and passed out on my bed fully clothed from all the stress. My parents pulled me out of that school, something I will always be thankful for. They sent me to The Winston School, which is right behind my house, and that I walk to each day. I’ve always thought that was pretty sweet.
I felt better at Winston, but not all the way. This is because I had more problems than my learning differences, dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADHD, which my peers have also. My main problem was my anxiety and depression, which could not be cured through a simple change in environment. My stress from the academics of school was lifted, because Winston’s atmosphere fit me a lot better. I loved that people were not asking me my grade on my last test every second, as this kind of competitiveness can get very taxing. The problem, though, was my anxiety and depression were causing me problems socially.  I had no friends. I did not even really start talking to people until the end of my 10th grade year. But when I did start to talk to people, I learned that our class is one great bunch of kids.
When I started to stretch my social muscles, our class of 2011 was always very inclusive. They are nice to everyone, and through this they taught me to be more social. I’ve learned how to approach people, and to not stay in the shadows. This is one of the reasons I will always love Winston.
Of course, it is not the only reason. Winston will always have my appreciation for how they helped me at the beginning of my junior year. I missed the first six weeks of school to go to a residential treatment center to work on my anxiety, depression, and anger. I was nervous about missing so much school, which I guess isn’t saying much considering that I have chronic anxiety, but it truly was driving me mad. Then, while I was at the treatment center, I got a card from Mr. Della Costa. This one card made me feel better. I was worried about teachers being mad at me about missing too much school work, but Mr. Della Costa’s card not only made me feel better about returning to band, but also about returning to school in general. Mr. D wished me well, told me how band was going, and said he would not start drum line until his student director returned. The last line said, “So hang in there and whenever you are ready to start band- come in!” And I did hang in there. I got out of the residential treatment center, as a much happier and calmer person, right before my birthday. I was back at school just in time for the second six weeks grading period, and everyone was very nice about my return.
My first day I walked in the school as if I was walking on broken glass, because I was scared to see anyone and hear what they were going to say. This worrying was unnecessary because the first person I saw welcomed me back and gave me a hug. People also knew not to ask me too many questions, which filled me with relief. My friends had even gotten a bunch of people to sign a welcome back poster for me. When I returned, my peers made me feel important. They helped me with my transition back to school.
Everyone at Winston understood that I was going through a hard time, and they were very accommodating. My teachers were understanding about the situation, and helped me get caught up in all my classes. I was very worried about the college process, and I thought my time at the residential center had ruined my chances of making it into a “good” college. Ms. Carlson, though, showed me that everything was fine and I still had the chance to go to any college I wanted. She also showed me that a good college is not defined as an Ivy League school, but the school that is right for me.
I felt sick a lot, so I would often go to Nurse Heck, who I met that year. She always helped me feel better, and she was always there to talk. Sometimes I would just talk to her for almost a whole class period, because she had the ability to calm me after any panic attack. I also had to leave school early, but the administrators and my classmates were always very understanding. Slowly, the Winston environment was helping me to grow.
The next year I was voted Homecoming Queen, and I must say I was probably the most surprised person at that football game. This had been voted on by my peers, and it showed how far I had come. Thanks to Winston I had friends, people thought I was kind, and I now had the confidence to stand in front of friends, family, even strangers.
This year, I have felt more confident and hopeful. Despite all the college and senior excitement, Winston allowed me to dedicate my time to Vogel Alcove, a childcare center for homeless children, two days a week during spring semester. I am sure my absences worried some, but to me they represent the first time I could emotionally put others ahead of my academics. This was an enormous step for me and thanks to everyone who allowed this to happen.
So I stand here today, as valedictorian. My goal was reached, but my feelings are different. I have worked not only on my learning differences, but also on my anxiety and depression, which I know some of my classmates have struggled with as well. I have made friends and grown as a person. To the Winston community, I will always be grateful. To my classmates, The Winston Class of 2011, if you guys can help someone like me, which all of you did in your own way, you can do anything. All of you are amazing people, who I know will go far in life. Also, speaking on behalf of the class, I would like to thank all the parents, siblings (in my case sisters) and extended family, because like my own family, you have helped make us become the successful adults we are today.
Congratulations Class of 2011, we are graduating today, having overcome one thing or another. Look back at your lives, and you will also see how far you have made it. We should all be proud of what we have accomplished.
Thank you!!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Trich

my daughter pulls her hair
but
really
that doesn't explain it

she pulls at her hair
making "hair balls'
that I call them
and then she pulls those out

she did this a couple of years ago
she had done it for a while
and I would find hair balls all over
her hair was all different lengths
she was self conscious
but
didn't like to be reminded of it
so I tried not to dwell on it
she hated getting her haircut
because she was concerned
what the stylists would think

then
that horrible terrible event happened
and she was gone
to her residential treatment center
while there
she had such an epiphany
that she stopped
it was wonderful

she came home
so much calmer
and was also not pulling her hair

a year went by
she was doing so well
then
she started looking at colleges
and the idea of leaving home
engulfed her
she realized
she would be going away in a year
she got fidgety again
although she was on so many meds
for depression
for ADD
for her cerebral dysrythmia
she started the hair balls again

around christmas time
she had me read a story
because I didn't think she had this diseasse
called
Trichotillomania
because she didn't pull at the roots
only at the ends
she decided she wanted me to read an autobiography
of a girl with Trich
because she did

of course
knowing me
I searched the internet
scoured over articles
joined chat groups
discussion logs
because I will do anything to support
any of my daughters

she has it
it just presents itself differently
she is so anxious

I have ordered her
many different fidget toys
so she can always have something to do with her hands
she finds that it is times when her hands aren't busy
watching tv
reading
sitting in class
that she feels the need to play with her hair

she discovered wearing a knit cap
helps remind her not to pull
because it covers her hair

I just love her so much
I want her to be happy
I want her to love herself
I want her to be proud of herself

She is beautiful
and
I personally
don't give a shit
what any hair stylist says
my daughter is gorgeous
with hair
or without it

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

coffees and luncheons

what a busy and
wonderful week

first
a coffee
at my house
yes
i hosted an event
i hate that
hate cleaning up
for people i don't know
and then
feel like
everyone is judging
and looking around
but
i did it
for an organization
called
The Elissa Project
an organization
to raise awareness
of
eating disorders
so important
so real
so needed
for a family of girls
it went great
lots of people here
and got compliments
on the house

the next day
a luncheon
i bought a whole table
i never do that
alone
but
it was so important to me
for the
Beacon of Hope Luncheon
out on by the
W-here women
my support group moms
of the
Grant Halliburton Foundation
my favorite organization now
it is one
to raise awareness
of teenage and young adult
mental health

so important
so personal
such a strong message
that is needed
for my family
and my friends

gosh
the speaker was powerful
the room was filled
and quiet
while listening
and hearing
the message

get out
don't whisper
talk about mental illness
ask questions
watch kids
meet the neighbors
talk to them
listen to them
watch for signs
don't stay quiet
open up
be honest
get help
push help
ask for advice
listen
look
see with wide open eyes

powerful messages
heard by everyone
not sugar coated
real
honest messages
that made moms think
dads think
grandmothers quiet
and reflective

i was worried it was too much
but
i shouldn't have
it needed to be said
it needed to be heard
it was great to have it out there
and hopefully
they listened
and will react
and we will not have to hide out
any longer

we don't need to hide
or be embarrassed
we need to be truthful
and help others
so our children
will not be ashamed

Friday, January 7, 2011

finally speaking

days
weeks
and in reality
months
it takes so long
to actually talk on the phone
sometimes
i wonder
if it is worth it

all the confusion
all the disappointment
all the sadness
should it go away now
don't think it can be that easy

emails
conversations with other people
friends
family members

the judging
the accusations
the threats
the misunderstandings

i am not sure
how to feel at this moment

still
not sure
i should feel relieved
but i don't
i should feel understood
but i don't
i should feel like a weight is off my shoulders
but i don't

i don't think it will ever be the way i want
i don't think there will ever be a clear understanding
of each other

no
not really

i can pretend
because i don't think he gets it
and i now
don't think he ever will

limited perspectives
and wants to stay that way
i know i am not perfect
i don't pretend to be
i try all types of ways
to parent
and have made many mistakes along the way
but
i admit it
don't see that happening
over there

different sections of the country
maybe
different personalties
maybe
different families
well
no
not really
now
but wasn't before

i can't understand his
and
he can't understand mine

i guess that makes it hard
but i try to understand
but
then sometimes
i just get madder
because it doesn't make sense
to me
so
i guess
i don't make sense to him

but we spoke
i said
what i needed to say
and
he accepted it
tried to see how i felt
but still not sure
i can't see how
he has friends who thinks they are perfect
that can't be real
someone is lying
because
honestly
nobody is perfect
and if they believe that
they are lying

but we spoke
he heard what i had to say
and i heard an apology
of sorts
and that has to be enough
has to be
because that is all
i will ever get



Wednesday, January 5, 2011

new beginning to the year...

finally i did what needed to be done
it had gone on long enough
and i tried so many ways to figure out how to say how hurt i was
i know it was not enough
but i had to do something
so
i sent this email


dear brother,

I have been thinking a lot about how to respond.  I have been putting it off, because I thought I knew what I wanted to do, I still couldn’t figure out how to do it.  I wanted to talk to you also, but I was too scared because I was so emotional at the time. But, now, it has been 2 weeks and I am still at a crossroads.

I thought maybe it would be best for me to write down all I wanted to share and then send it to you.  So I tried that, but it was 6 pages long.  It brought up a lot about the past since you started mentioning it here in your explanation. But, it was pretty harsh, so it made more sense not to send it. When I reread it, there really is one theme that stands out over & over again. We are different people who see things and remember in our own way.
 I had looked over emails from this year and last, and knew that we both loved each other and wanted a relationship, but it was pretty obvious we didn’t know how to do it.  

Here in this email where you wrote “I honestly am still hurting from last year, and I thought I had gotten over it.  I know in your eyes we didn't put Lucy's bat mitzvah as a high enough priority, but in our eyes we did what we could.  We were truly sorry for not being able to make it, and, if the weather hadn't interfered, we would have been able to join all of you in your celebration.  So, when I mentioned the "lashing out", that is what I felt happened last year when we talked on the phone.  You said that our actions, and inactions, showed that we didn't care about you and your family.  We didn't feel that was the case, but then I read your actions (and inactions) recently in the same way.” feels that if I understand this correctly, you are still hurt from that time last summer and all you recall is me being angry at you about Lucy’s bat mitzvah, but that is not how I remember it.

I remember the police having to come take Karen to a temporary crisis center because she was pounding on me, Jeff and Bethany.  Because she had taken a knife and turned it towards her stomach threatening to kill herself, we had to call 911.  She was angry, screaming and cussing and we could not control her or get her to calm down. When she arrived, Karen was strip searched and her shoes removed until she could prove she was not a danger to herself or others.  I remember that on Jeff’s birthday we had to drive down to Georgetown and admit Karen to a mental facility. I remember that it was so hard on us; Bethany wouldn't even talk about Karen during this time. Bethany and Lucy were constantly being taken to friends’ houses to stay because we had to leave so often. I remember how hard it was for me just to get out of bed during those days. I couldn’t handle the fact that Karen’s school was behind our house, every day I would drive a different way out of my neighborhood so I didn’t have to pass it and see her teachers or friends. I was having my own depths of depression and anxiety and I couldn’t’ sleep without taking medication. I didn’t even want to take pictures of the first day of school because there were only 2 girls instead of 3. Twice every week Joe or I would be at the residential treatment center, sometimes together, sometimes alone, so we never had one full weekend at home together in over 2 months. Bethany and Lucy were never sure what they would find when they got home from school, maybe dinner made, maybe not, maybe one of us home, maybe one of us on the phone with a doctor, maybe me in bed crying or sleeping because I couldn’t deal with the reality of Karen being taken away.

I just remember that at that time, Karen been in her treatment center for about 7 weeks; she had already been out of our house for 8 (since she was in that short term mental hospital first). 
Even though we hadn’t heard from you all during this time, I wanted to call to share that we thought Karen would be coming home in a week. I was excited that our family would be back together again. I remember that even though I was so anxious, scared and nervous, I thought you might be able to share in this joy with me. I remember you saying that was great (or something like that) but then you chose that time to inform me that your family couldn’t leave on Friday for the weekend of Lucy’s bat mitzvah, so you all wouldn’t be coming in until Saturday evening for the party. I couldn’t believe your insensitivity towards me or my family and that you picked that time to share that devastating news. I just remember being shocked, surprised and speechless at that moment.  I remember I was driving and I was just dumbfounded. It was not the celebratory phone call I was expecting; it was a kick in the stomach instead.

So, yes, I remember I called you that weekend. I also remember that I was not the only person who raised my voice. You both yelled at me that I had the gall to tell you to just approach your administration and ask for the day off.

That next week, I sent an email to you, your wife, our Mom and Dad apologizing for being out of control, and reminding everyone that our daughter was in a mental institution and all I needed was unconditional love and support.  Because at that time I remember that I thought I would get encouragement and support from my family of origin when I needed it the most, but I wasn't.   Your response at that time was that you were sorry you all didn't communicate as “I would have liked you to” but I was in the wrong and a bully and you would never want to speak about it again. I was never allowed to defend myself at all, nor did it seem there was ever an understanding of what my little family of 5 was going through. I remember emailing you about the unfairness of that attack, and you responded by saying “I think that we all have a basic understanding of each other's point of view, and I really don't think any further discussion will create any sort of enlightenment” so you didn't want any type of response from me, either by email or phone, because the matter was all in the past. You wanted to say your feelings, but didn't care about mine in any way.

So you were hurting and I was hurting, but I never felt we had a basic understanding of each other’s point of view.

Yes, we have some similarities; we both feel the stress of parenting children. But I think that until you realize the severity of mine and Jeff’s situation and how this traumatic episode impacted my life and my family’s lives, then we won’t be able to understand each other’s views.

I am willing to answer any questions you may have and would equally welcome anything you are willing to share that would give me a greater perspective of you and your family. I would still like to try to have a phone conversation so we can try to move forward, if you are still willing. I really would like to do that; however, before we could begin I felt I needed to let you know some of what I am feeling right now.

You, your wife and your boys are all so important to me and my family; I want to share in the joys and disappointments in your lives. I treasure all the times we have gotten to spend with our nephews (and cousins) and would hate to see all that go away. I know all of this healing will take time, I hope you are willing to go along this journey with me.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Being Thankful


This year has been a blessed year
I know that I can try to say these things that I am so thankful for
But I am not even sure that I will be able to express myself
As well as I wish to

#1-first and foremost
I am thankful for my husband
His support and love help guide me daily
Without him I would definitely fail
You are my partner and I love you
Thank you for being you

#2-I am thankful for my daughters
Karen-your strength and your maturity has amazed me at moments over this past year
I know you don’t recognize all of these differences
But your smiling face tells a different story
I love you so much, even when you don’t see it, so don’t you ever forget it

Bethany-your intense spirit and independence constantly surprise me
I know how hard these first few months of school have been for you
I am so honored that you were open with me from the beginning
Together we made it work and seeing you laugh and happy again
Makes it all worth it
I love you so much and I trust you, and that is something I can’t even begin to explain

Lucy-after last school year’s horrible beginning, you struggled through
I am so proud of your perseverance in that situation
I think opening all our eyes to all the schools in this city
And having the time to look at them all
Is going to be a great experience
I know all you want in a school is friends and sports
And we will make that happen, and more
I love you and can’t believe my baby is growing up

#3-I am thankful for my parents
Nana & Grandfather
Your unwavering support during this past year and half, and longer
Was noticed in so many ways, even if we couldn’t always express ourselves
The girls know you are always on their sides, good or bad
And that is priceless and beyond worth
Joe and I know that you are there, no matter what
We both love you and care for you, and thank you for everything you have done

#4-I am thankful for my brother in law, sister in law, my only niece, and my special nephew 
Your continuous encouragement and attention has kept us going this year
Even if we felt we couldn’t make it
We can always count on you for beautiful flowers to celebrate the occasion
I love each of you and treasure your cooperation in this mess
I hope you see that and feel it

#5-similar to Lucyi at her candle lighting
I am thankful for myself
Somedays I prove myself wrong and can be strong when I felt weak
Sometimes I shock myself with what I can accomplish
And when there are days that I just want to hide under the covers
I do know you are there if I need you
Sometimes I just don’t know how to ask
So
Thank you for helping me, giving me the words when I can’t say them myself
And knowing I will come around when it is time


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

College!

Karen got her first acceptance letter
and it is her first choice
yes
she is going to college

i should be happy
and i am
i should be ecstatic
and i am
but
i am also sad
that my baby is
actually leaving now
in less than a year

college
i remember college
how can i be old enough
to have a child in college

but
she has been through so much
she has grown so much
she has matured so much
that
i should be thankful
she is even allowed to go
to want to go
to be able to go

i am
but it is all bittersweet
she is so much fun
i love being around her
all the girls are getting along
it is such a good year
and
i know it will all be over soon
well
soon enough
in less than a year

it is not fair
we all struggled for so long
especially her
we all fought so hard
for her to win
to get through it
and she did
we never gave up
she always had our support
and she always supported us
well usually
she knew there was something wrong
when things weren't right
but she just didn't know what

now she knows
and
sometimes she is afraid
it will happen again

but
we know it won't
and we kept reminding her

someday she will know
too
and that time will come soon
because
she is leaving home
in less than a year
and
i have to let her

it is all good

Friday, October 15, 2010

And Homecoming Queen...

no way
no possible way
a year ago
at this time
we were all barely alive
we were still healing
from Karen's treatment center

we were happy to be together again
as a family

now
here we are
Karen is a senior
looking at colleges
she is happy
she has friends
she is enjoying school
and
it seems like
school is loving her

she was elected to be on the homecoming court
wow
she was surprised
i was surprised
we were all surprised
i laughed
the day i was at school helping out with something
the kids were voting on the court
freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors
all voting for each grade
Karen voted for friends
i was sitting by her and some other seniors
i joked and said that someone should vote for her
so then she would have to wear a dress
when one friend voted
we all laughed

then last week
she came home
with a shocked look on her face
"guess who was voted to be on homecoming court"
she asked
NO
i replied
and she laughed

i got the make a little speech
that was to be read at the homecoming football game
it was funny

i went to school for the pep rally
the whole homecoming court
played musical chairs
it is a tradition i was told
ugh
memories of childhood games came flashing back
i forgot how competitive she is
she won
barely
by being so fast
and having a good sized bottom!

The night came
the football game
she had to play in the band
but
she also had to wear something nice
we settled on a skirt and top
she felt comfortable
she looked darling
she even let me take some pictures

when they all lined up
and parades in
here was the speech said about her-

Kareb came to the Winston School in 10th grade. She was instrumental in starting the band program with Mr Della Costa, and has been a percussionist for the last 6 years. She plays on the tennis team each spring.  She was inducted into the National Honor Society when she was a sophomore. She had lived behind Winston for 10 years before starting school, so now her daily commute is only a short walk.  Karen was honored when she was picked to represent the senior class in the homecoming court, also she was very surprised! She is very happy her family is here to celebrate with her. 

then everyone laughed
then everyone cheered
SHE WAS CROWNED AS HOMECOMING QUEEN

she laughs at me
because i have said i thought i heard voices
not that i didn't have trust in her
but 
we never thought she would really win
she was voted as queen by the entire upper school student body
never 
never in a million years
would that have happened anywhere else
her school is amazing
she is so confident
she is so honest
she is good 
she is fair
and she is a winner

we have all come a long way
and i am so happy
i can't believe it sometimes

Sunday, September 19, 2010

a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
reflected
and made promises
yet
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
but
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
when
hopefully
thoughtfully
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
but
mostly
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
and
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

today
i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
because
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
but
i won't dwell on them
no
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
beautiful
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
because
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New School Year

this year it is right
it is good
it is what is supposed to be

all 3 girls in the first day of school picture
although
Karen started the day before
Bethany & Lucy were starting today
and
their school starts earlier
but
before we left
Karen got out of bed
came downstairs
and took a picture with her sisters
she poked her head through
their heads
so she didn't have to change
but
I didn't care
all *I* cared about
was that
it was how
it should be

Last year at this time
I was so nervous
I didn't even want to take the picture
and I swore
when Karen returned home
we would take another one
and
I never did

sometimes
I get these pangs of guilt
that I didn't do the right thing
that I should have made a big deal
about something
and didn't
and then I feel
I was wrong
about decisions
and messed up one child
while helping another
that I want to cry
but I can't
I just keep going
hoping I make better decisions next time
and try to forget some of the bad ones

but
today
I feel good
I feel that all is good
3 girls
smiling
in the picture
of the first day of school

the last first day of school
as sisters
in the same house

okay
maybe I should start crying now

Saturday, August 7, 2010

anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

school is OUT

i never thought this day would come
this school year is over

it has been hell
pure hell
since day one of this year

school starting
and only 2 girls for the first day picture
that just killed me

karen being gone for the first 6 weeks of school
just made me sick

lucy being accused of cheating
and then being bullied
by the teachers
and the administration
just about
threw me over the edge

and that was only in the first 2 months
i thought it would get better
but it didn't

the year just never really caught up
lucy was an emotional mess
all year long
she had lost trust in those teachers
and the administration
her grade was being told
that they were the worst
boys were kicked out
because of cyber bullying
girls were talking about it
all the time
the teachers never gave them a break
lucy never felt good about herself
that knocked me down too
how could this great kid
who usually loved life
and everyone in it
get the wind knocked out of her so much

karen felt better
but there was this underlying feeling
that her bad moods would return
she felt it
i felt it
her sisters felt it
and her dad
we have been on edge all year
walking on eggs

bethany just wasn't herself
high school was difficult
adding to it that
her big sister had all these problems
and her little sister
wanted to be her own person
and all her friends
well
they wanted to party
and she didn't
she wasn't sure where she fit in
she wanted to have friends
but
she made VERY GOOD decisions
so Jeff and I stayed home often with her
on weekend nights
when her other sisters
were both out somewhere
but
we didn't care
we told her how smart she was
and how much we could believe in her

but
whatever
it was a horrible year
and I am SO GLAD
it is over

let the summer begin!