anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago