I learned I need to make sure that I am good first

I learned that I need to make sure
that
I
am good
FIRST

I used to put myself last
always
I was worried about other people's
feelings
and
judgments

now
I look at ME first
them my husband
then my children
then anyone else

WOW
what a difference


When I would put my kids first
they always put me last
or
so it seemed
and
my oldest

she has anxiety always

haters are going to hate

well

Karen is going to worry
no matter what
she will find a way...



My random thoughts on
what makes a marriage work

Trust
Respect
Love
Honesty
and
of course
Communication


Oh GOSH so much is happening
my kids
applying to school
college
grad schools
so much change

Between all of this
I feel a lot of
anger
anxiety
depression
lack of control

and
there is my worry
so much of my life has been being a mom
I need to find a new career
because
Mine
is coming to a close....

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters...

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters
Doing 26 random acts of kindness after sandy hook
I was devastated when a mentally I'll individual took the lives of innocent people we always need kindness
I thought that from demonstrating kindness would lead to my kids also doing it
Honestly sometimes they are kinder to strangers than they are to each other
It makes me so sad to realize that they have not learned anything
Did I do it wrong
Did I not show it enough
Did I do something wrong when they were young
I am trying to understand
But I think it has to do with what they see every day
Peers bringing others down
Not supporting but happy to talk about others

I'm proud of their kindness to others
I wish they would kinder to each other

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters...

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters Doing 26 random acts of kindness after sandy hook I was devastated when a mentally I'll individual took the lives of innocent people we always need kindness I thought that from demonstrating kindness would lead to my kids also doing it Honestly sometimes they are kinder to strangers than they are to each other It makes me so sad to realize that they have not learned anything Did I do it wrong Did I not show it enough Did I do something wrong when they were young I am trying to understand But I think it has to do with what they see every day Peers bringing others down Not supporting but happy to talk about others I'm proud of their kindness to others I wish they would kinder to each other

No Do over

i went to a military funeral today
it was beautiful
in so many ways

the landscape was serene
i appreciated the symmetry
of the grave markers
the simplicity of each site
the rules and regulations
were honorable
and dignified

we all went to a pavilion
for a brief ceremony
two officers accompanied
the pall bearers
with the coffin
draped by an american flag

once everyone went
to their places
someone yelled
Secure
and then the officers
approached the coffin
delicately
removed the flag
by flying it
while held tightly in their hands
then the men
began folding the flag

i remember folding the flag
in the evenings
at summer camp
with my friends
it was joyful
we laughed
we talked
we realized we made mistakes
and would start over
until
we had made the perfect triangle

but
this was different
here this flag represented
a man's commitment to his country
his fight in the Korean war
this flag
actually represented my friend's father
they treated the flag as such
as a person
they took great care
placing the flag
into folds
then one officer stood back
held the flag tight
and started to make a triangle
out of the stripes

i realized
that if he made a mistake
he was going to have to pull it tight
he was not going to get a do over
just like in life
if you make a mistake
you can cover it up
you can ignore it
you can admit it
but you seriously
don't get a do over

this man
had a wonderful life
two children
a son and a daughter
who have been by his side
for months
as he was taken from this life

a long life
that was stopped short
due to illness
no do over
no chance to try again
but because he had always been
a decent man
he was honored
by his children
by his community
and by his nation

as the soldier finished the triangle
of solid stars
he caressed the flag
to make sure it was a
perfect triangle
he saluted the flag
he presented it to the other officer
and then
taps played

again so different than at summer camp
a real tribute to an honorable man
tears welled up
it was profound
it was a beautiful moment

when the soldier then
presented the flag to the son
he was giving his father back to him
it was significant
and memorable

it was definitely a proud moment
a lovely ceremony
pride was evident
everywhere

why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 

Why
What makes this happen  

Why now 

Why

What is the reason 

The impatience 

The disrespect  

The selfishness 

One day
I think all is great

Then
Out of nowhere 

She loses it 

All over again 

Just stay calm 

Let it go

But she can't  

She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 

There is nothing I can do 

She won't stop 

She doesn't stop 

In fact

She just makes it worse

She needs to just be quiet

Just listen

Just breathe 

She needs to get control 

I can't do it for her

As much as I want to 

She has to learn 

She has to keep learning

She must keep trying 

And not give up

Most importantly 

she needs to learn to be quiet 

and listen to others 

Damn I hate this

I hate it

I really really hate it  

Why does it keep happening? 

Summer is starting and I am numb

That is how I feel

Numb

Nothing

When things fall apart

I just feel numb

I've been hurt so many times

I'm so sick of being yelled at

Being told I'm hated

She's sick

And all I do is help

But nothing changes

I hurt

She hurts

She hurts me

She hurts everyone around her

All we want to do is help her

Spring Break, VRBO, reminder to always call the owner

I thought it was a good idea
taking 2 of my daughters
and their friends to FLORIDA
so we could visit the oldest

My middle one picked 3 girls
my youngest picked 2
we all got tickets to fly to Tampa

I found a place on VRBO
booked it

then just a few days before leaving
I decided to ask some questions
but
nobody answered the phone
not even a voicemail
and
nobody answered an email

I contacted VRBO
and found out that I had been
SCAMMED

yep
 out of money
and
no place to stay
me
and 7 teenage girls

it wasn't easy
there were tears
and fears
but I finally found a place
for us to stay

hopefully will learn from this experience
either that
or I will just cry

soccer player

After 3 concussions
my husband
and I
called it QUITS
for our youngest to play soccer

it has gotten too rough
there is not reason for that

she is our baby
we don't want her hurt anymore

16 should be sweet

when i was 16
my parents had a party for me

but it was called
"my semi-sweet 16"
my mom thought it was funny
i thought it was mean

so my youngest turned 16
she should be so happy
she passed her driving test
on her birthday
on a tuesday
that weekend
i took Bethany, the middlest
to visit a college

Lucy was so excited
able to be independent
and my husband didn't have to drive her around
but that saturday night
she wrecked the car
yes
wrecked it
right outside our house
turned left out of the driveway
was playing with the radio
then remembered she needed to turn
and
bam
right into a lightpole

she was okay
but she wasn't happy

then 2 days later
we found out
it was totaled
a green little volkswagon bug
the cutest car
it had been my mom's
then Bethany's
then I had been driving it
since we bought Bethany a car
i called it a round space of Zen
it felt so calm in it
it was peaceful

but not anymore
so Lucy was mad
she was pissed
she was downright rude
she didn't want to tell her friends
and I had to drive her again
or she had to borrow a car
not realizing how lucky she is

she got cranky looking for another car
like we were punishing her

she used to be sweet
not sure what happened

always making plans...and resolutions

new years
always the time for resolutions
lose weight
be kinder
eat healthier
work out more
yuck
yuck
i just want to be happy
is that too much to ask?

26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
children
teachers
and administration
before taking his own life

awful
scary
suffering

the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

randomly
without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

Homecoming court

my middlest
my Bethany
started her present high school
6 weeks into 10th grade

but
she was still chosen
as part of the
Homecoming Court

she was delighted
she felt so good
we definitely did the right thing
because they love her
and she loves them

she had a blast
all week
being congratulated
feeling so loved

then during the pep rally
she was either cheering
taking pictures
or being honored
as part of the homecoming court
thrilling
grandparents came in
we watched the parade
she waved and waved
to all the younger children

during halftime
we got to escort her onto the field
i am embarrassed to say
that i wanted her to win
but she didn't
she didn't care
it was like the Oscars to her
just being nominated
was the gift she liked

we just basked in the moment
the awe
the celebrity feeling
she was beaming
she was so happy

when her name was not called
she was so excited for her friend
they all were so excited for each other

it was truly a lovely memory for all of us