I learned I need to make sure that I am good first

I learned that I need to make sure
that
I
am good
FIRST

I used to put myself last
always
I was worried about other people's
feelings
and
judgments

now
I look at ME first
them my husband
then my children
then anyone else

WOW
what a difference


When I would put my kids first
they always put me last
or
so it seemed
and
my oldest

she has anxiety always

haters are going to hate

well

Karen is going to worry
no matter what
she will find a way...



My random thoughts on
what makes a marriage work

Trust
Respect
Love
Honesty
and
of course
Communication


Oh GOSH so much is happening
my kids
applying to school
college
grad schools
so much change

Between all of this
I feel a lot of
anger
anxiety
depression
lack of control

and
there is my worry
so much of my life has been being a mom
I need to find a new career
because
Mine
is coming to a close....

why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 

Why
What makes this happen  

Why now 

Why

What is the reason 

The impatience 

The disrespect  

The selfishness 

One day
I think all is great

Then
Out of nowhere 

She loses it 

All over again 

Just stay calm 

Let it go

But she can't  

She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 

There is nothing I can do 

She won't stop 

She doesn't stop 

In fact

She just makes it worse

She needs to just be quiet

Just listen

Just breathe 

She needs to get control 

I can't do it for her

As much as I want to 

She has to learn 

She has to keep learning

She must keep trying 

And not give up

Most importantly 

she needs to learn to be quiet 

and listen to others 

Damn I hate this

I hate it

I really really hate it  

Why does it keep happening? 

Summer is starting and I am numb

That is how I feel

Numb

Nothing

When things fall apart

I just feel numb

I've been hurt so many times

I'm so sick of being yelled at

Being told I'm hated

She's sick

And all I do is help

But nothing changes

I hurt

She hurts

She hurts me

She hurts everyone around her

All we want to do is help her

Spring Break, VRBO, reminder to always call the owner

I thought it was a good idea
taking 2 of my daughters
and their friends to FLORIDA
so we could visit the oldest

My middle one picked 3 girls
my youngest picked 2
we all got tickets to fly to Tampa

I found a place on VRBO
booked it

then just a few days before leaving
I decided to ask some questions
but
nobody answered the phone
not even a voicemail
and
nobody answered an email

I contacted VRBO
and found out that I had been
SCAMMED

yep
 out of money
and
no place to stay
me
and 7 teenage girls

it wasn't easy
there were tears
and fears
but I finally found a place
for us to stay

hopefully will learn from this experience
either that
or I will just cry

always making plans...and resolutions

new years
always the time for resolutions
lose weight
be kinder
eat healthier
work out more
yuck
yuck
i just want to be happy
is that too much to ask?

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred

2nd semester

all my kids started a new semester
the younger two
changed a couple of classes
but many courses
stayed the same
things are good
in high school

but
for the oldest
she goes back to college
she left again
today
after a
wonderful week at sundance

i did okay
letting her go this time
we hugged a lot
at the airport
i watched her go
through security
and
i surprised myself
by not crying

she is so happy
she loves her school
she adores her friends
she found the best place for her

THAT is why i am good
when she is happy
i am happy

the house is calmer
but good
quieter
but good
dinners are still good
and
i will still cook

even though
her chair
will remain empty

Christmas in Portland

On the plane home

I got to write this ditty

it is 

pretty cool

this new technology

so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-

karen didn't punch anyone in the face

the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere

my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful

they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?

Jeff

yep, the one person who i should be able to trust

was the one who let me down

it sucked

and it all started at the dfw airport

before we were on the flight

it was awful

it was horrible

he didn't support me over something with Bethany

so  Bethany was screaming at me

and he was just trying to get me to shut up

not Bethany

and it was

over something incredibly stupid

that I just needed to say to Bethany

but she kept interupting me

and wouldn't let me talk

or finish

or whatever

it seemed that everyone

got involved then

jeff

lucy

karen

along with Bethany

against me

so guess what?

TSA had to come talk to me

watching me

almost didn't let me on the plane

and

at that point

I didn't care

i wanted the situation resolved

before boarding

but

since Jeff reprimanded me

in front of the TSA employee

instead of

supporting me

after telling her

that everything would be fine

it was not resolved

and I was

followed onto the plane

then I sat down

and cried

pretty continuously

the whole 4 hour plane ride

it was lovely

i was next to karen

she was wonderful

and took care of me

but

jeff

nor lucy

nor bethany

even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe

the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland

my mother was wonderful to me

and my kids

my father was great to me

and my kids

my brother

shocked the shit

out of me with his openess

hospitality to me, my husband

and all of my children

even karen chose to go in his car

a few times

she relaxed

which made me feel better

my sister in law

made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals

and that Lucy didn't feel left out

she took them shopping

which she really enjoyed since she only has boys

and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her

it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death

so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff

got better

but it did such for a few days

especially when he didn't realize

how he had treated me

and didn't see

how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while

we were there......

for instance

when karen was worried

since we weren't all giddy that

we would get divorced

he told her he didn't know

nor did he tell me that I should talk to her

omg,

just what karen needed

something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked

about how important it was

for all 5 of us to talk about

the "airport incident" and

me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"

(whatever)

He told the girls

that *I* wanted to get us all together

so when I saw down

again

it was me against them

such a lovely feeling (not)

but

it's over

and I may still be a little pissed

but

i know

i need to let it go

anyway

about Portland

we were lucky,

we got sun our first full day there

seriously lucky

then the next couple of days

it was cloudy and grey

but then yesterday

and today

it was raining

yucky

grey skies

raining, pitter patter rain

not thunderstorm rain

the kind that makes you sleepy

drowsy

get under your covers and read a book

watch a movie

or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in

the adults went out to dinner

and the kids got pizza and rented a movie

all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them

that is their chirstmas eve tradition

they went to mass,

we rested at the hotel

until we all met back at their home

dinner was lasagna

molly's famous meat lasagna

that she only makes at christmas

but she made her regular veggie one too

for bethany

sourdough bread

salad and christmas cookies

the next morning

we got over there early

opened our christmas gift

we all got stockings

even Jeff and I were

given something small

in my brother's athletic socks

because we didn't have official santa stockings

we gave all of them small gifts

(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes

and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage

that my brother now makes

it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition

of going to the movies

they always do it too

we split up

one of my nephews and I went to see

"the girl with the dragon tatoo"

Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's

everyone else saw "Hugo"

then we went back to their house

for a crab fest christmas dinner

Monday

all the girls (minus karen)

went shopping

and the boys plus karen

were going to go do nature things

but the boys didn't really want to go

so they went to a real

record store

and hung out

that night we went to Jake's seafood

it is an old staple

like Joe's stone crab in miami

and every single thing we ate was delicious

seriously

Yesterday

we went to a famous portland Deli

went to powell's books

a multi level bookstore

that is the biggest in north america

if not all of the americas

where all the kids

got to pick out their hanukkah gifts

from my brother's family

then we went to a matinee

performance of

The Santa Land Diaries

the David Sedaris story

it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house

for our hanukkah exchange

brisket & latkes

and lighting of the candles

for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)

Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere

but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye

and i don't think there were any regrets

like I said

they exceeded my expectations!

it ended up being fabulous

and very memorable!

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
but
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
but
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there
listen

i want to fix it
but
i can't
and
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Selfish Birthdays

this year
i didn't feel like celebrating my birthday
too much has happened
some friends lost a daughter
my daughters lost a friend
another daughter
isn't here
she is in college
she is alive
but
not with me

when i told my daughters
at home
that i just wanted to go
to a movie
alone
they thought
that was depressing

so i called another friend
to meet for lunch
on my birthday

so i went to class
my Mindfulness class
where i focused
on me
that doesn't happen often
then I met my friend
for lunch
and it was sweet

then
i went to a movie
alone
with a diet coke
popcorn
and junior mints
it was a perfect afternoon

i focused on myself
i don't do that often enough
i tried not to answer
any emails
or texts
or phone messages
unless
i wanted to

again
that doesn't happen often
i do so many things
for so many
other people
some days
it is okay
to be selfish

i just need to remember that

Crying

i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

sometimes
i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
but
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

often
i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
but
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
and
again
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
and
sometimes
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it

Thanksgiving 2011

i set the table
i cooked the turkey
the sweet potatoes
the stuffing
2 kinds even
cornbread
and
white bread
bought
then updated
mashed potatoes
brussel sprouts
green beans
and rolls
had lots of types of rolls
and pies
4 kinds
with Cool Whip
i love cool whip

everyone came over
casual as always
because
it is the spirit
just being together

after everyone
filled their plates
my beloved husband
said some words
he laughed
when he saw my paper
because
i can't speak
off the top of my head
without preparation
i need to think first

so here goes-
this is what i said

Being Thankful

I like to start this off by saying how thankful I am for everything

But I won’t feel like I have been honest if I also don’t recognize a huge loss in our life

When we lost our sweet 17 year old friend, it rocked our family to the core, she had been a part of all our lives for about 10 years-I guess you can say that we took her laughter, smile and abundant energy for granted, because she was always around.

So, instead, I will say that we are so thankful that we were lucky enough to be part of her short life, her smile always shone so bright, that we are thankful we got to experience it.  We are thankful that we can help honor her by always being kind to animals, speaking up for those that don’t speak up for themselves, by being mindful in the moment, and live  for her, because she always wanted everyone to live for those who can’t.

I am very thankful today that we have all 4 of our grandparents with us.  They are all healthy and I thank god every day for that and their constant guidance.  They are our inspirations and mentors.  We learn from you and are so thankful you are here for us and the grandchildren.  We know that our kids are so lucky to have you each and every day.  Because even though they don’t see you every day, they speak of you with kindness and awe always.

Of course, it should have been the first thing I said, but I am so thankful for my husband.  Jeff is there for me, supporting me, being strong when I am weak and keeping me centered. His support and love help guide me daily, without him I would definitely fail, You are my partner and I love you, Thank you for being you

 My children, my 3 girls---I am so thankful Karen is home with us this short week.  And I am also thankful she is growing and learning about herself as she also learns about the world while away at college.  As hard as it is for me when she goes back, I am thankful for this opportunity. 

I am so very thankful that Bethany has found her way at Hillcrest.  Last year at this time, she was still new there and meeting new people.  Now, she is a permanent fixture, she is responsible and commands respect.  She is one of the cream of the crop, as her cheerleader sponsor says, and has the consequences to prove it.

I am so thankful that Lucy has taken Hillcrest by storm.  Never one to show her anxiety, Lucy walked into school that first day barely knowing a soul, now she is rarely home or has 5 girls over here laughing and creating energy with all her new friends. She feels smart again and continues her relationships with friends from all over the city.

I am grateful for cousins, aunts and uncles who are here, you make our home special every time you visit.

I am also grateful to God, who showers us with gifts: mystery, beauty, ideas, art, music, literature, language, nature, humor, family, friends, and love. I feel I am blessed to be able to give thanks for all my uncountable blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving

Honoring others and myself

it is that time of the year
as our invitation
always states
after 10 years
of the same party
i just can't bring myself to change the
words of the invitation
because i feel
i worded it so beautifully
the first time

honoring friends
and family
by thanking them
for being a part of our life

appreciating others
i like to do that
because
i like to be appreciated

i know that not everyone
wants to same types
of appreciation
or honor
but
since that is what i like
i tend to give it out too

More Time

i keep thinking it is a dream
really a nightmare
how can a child
be gone

the days go by
the nights go by
and the mornings come
and i wonder
is it really true

too much sorrow
i wish it wasn't true

some of my other friends
ask about my friends
who lost their daughter
"how are they"
they naively ask
i almost want to answer
"how can they be"
their child is gone
they will never get to see her again
touch her again
kiss her again
"how would you be"

i know they mean well
but there are no words
there are no answers
there is not a wrong way
or a right way
to behave
to grieve
to believe

i visit her grave
that sweet plot
full of flowers
notes
arizona tea bottles
pinwheels
rocks
pumpkins
sweet reminders
of a lost life
of a sweet girl
who touched so many people

need to catch up

the oldest went to college
the middle started her junior year in high school
the youngest started high school

where did the time go
i know
i feel it
just yesterday
i was changing diapers
and washing faces

now
they are older
they are sassy
they can be independent
but they can also be dependent

transition has been difficult
for all of them
and
for me

some days the oldest calls
6 times a day
sometimes
just once a day

the middle one
needs me some days
and others
not so much

the youngest one
is gently
becoming her own person
knowing that a smile helps
but
that she doesn't need me around all the time any more

i hate it
i admit it

when my oldest and I
are together
we have so much fun
but then she leaves
or I leave her
and
i get depressed all over again

when my middle one gets angry
at me
or the world
i want to fix it for her
she is suffering
over the loss of her friend
but i can't help
nor will she let me try

my youngest is quieter
she is helpful to her friend
who lost the sister
so she takes her lead from her
in how to react
she is making new friends
and
keeping in touch with all
her old ones

some days
i just wonder what to do....

way too long

i've lost track
of how many times
i have thought about writing a post
because i just looked at my blog
for the first time in almost months

how did i get so far behind?
well
i know
i do
i just don't want to admit it

life was moving along
drama was always to be had
having 3 teenage girls in the house

then
the phone rang
on august 3rd
my mind still goes back to that day
and i doubt i will ever forget it

i could tell my friend was upset
but
i would never have known the depth

a 17 year old girl
daughter of a friend
friend of my daughter
had died
in a tragic traffic accident

i screamed
i cried
i defended
that it couldn't be
how could she be gone so fast

so much has happened
and so little
in so long

time stopped
or it stood still
it didn't seem possible
it didn't seem real

we drove to the house
my family
but
the daughter who was closest to this girl
was out of town
not far
but still gone
crying
i tried to call her
i couldn't get it
so i left messages

we got to the house
it still haunts me
the mother in tears
the father broken down
the sister silent

the sign up welcoming the daughter
back in from out of the country
she never got to see it
the phones ringing
the voices talking
the cars driving over
the crying
the screaming
the sadness enveloping the room

my middle daughter
finally called
and at that point
i didn't even know the full story
except to tell her
that her friend was gone
there was no easy way to say it
i knew i was shattering her world

my poor baby
away and crying
she had friends to console her
thank goodness
some of those girls knew the departed one

but i wanted to hug her
i wanted to console her

my oldest was distraught
i was worried
the mother was concerned
she told me to leave early
here she was
heartbroken over her loss
but knowing how much my oldest had struggled
knew it was not good
for her to be in that situation

we stayed for a bit
then she and i left
we were silent
we went home
watched tv
then went to get ice cream for dinner

the boy behind the counter
told me to get some sleep
my eyes were red
my face was white
there were no words
to describe how i felt

the next morning
when i woke up
i screamed
because i knew it was safer
to be in bed asleep
dreaming
than to be awake
into the nightmare

friends on the same path

it saddens me
that lately
I hear of more friends who have to go down this same path
that our family has taken with mental health

what has become of our world
our society
our schools
our families
that so many children
need a break
to help themselves find themselves

so many kids
are on the wrong path
because of
the pressure
the anxiety
the worry
the expectations
of society, schools and families

I hate that these people have to experience
what we did
I hate that there is not one answer
because there isn't
every child
every parent
needs their own time
and their own schedule

some people have asked me
if we had gotten our daughter
help earlier
would it have been different

honestly
I don't think so
because
when she went
even though she didn't know it at the time
she knew something was wrong
and she needed help
before that
she never had remorse
she didn't care
she felt she was owed something

before
she thought the world was treating her unfairly
that everyone else was causing stuff to happen to her
until she could see that she was causing the scenarios
to happen
she could never get the point that she needed to be
to start to get help

for all my friends
family
and another other person having to go on this path
I wish for us and them
that there is always a better tomorrow

drinking...

she was honest
i have to give her credit

i saw some pictures on facebook
because my girls have to be my friend
but i saw these pictures
and could tell something was different
the look in her eyes
the distant smile
the disheveled clothes
i had a feeling that alcohol was involved

so i texted her to call me when she was alone
she did
i just asked her
innocently
and was thinking about other girls too
if there was drinking
yes there was
she told me
yes she had some
she told me
she said she wanted to be honest
she asked if I was mad

but
i wasn't
she was telling me the truth
and isn't that what I always told her to do
she was in a party bus
so she wasn't driving
and then
she was spending the night
so she was staying put
she made good decisions
she did
she was honest
she said she was in control
and had been in a good place
for about 3 hours now

so
she really was drunk
for the first time
honesty is the best policy
but
now that I know the truth
should I feel better...
because I don't