way too long

i've lost track
of how many times
i have thought about writing a post
because i just looked at my blog
for the first time in almost months

how did i get so far behind?
well
i know
i do
i just don't want to admit it

life was moving along
drama was always to be had
having 3 teenage girls in the house

then
the phone rang
on august 3rd
my mind still goes back to that day
and i doubt i will ever forget it

i could tell my friend was upset
but
i would never have known the depth

a 17 year old girl
daughter of a friend
friend of my daughter
had died
in a tragic traffic accident

i screamed
i cried
i defended
that it couldn't be
how could she be gone so fast

so much has happened
and so little
in so long

time stopped
or it stood still
it didn't seem possible
it didn't seem real

we drove to the house
my family
but
the daughter who was closest to this girl
was out of town
not far
but still gone
crying
i tried to call her
i couldn't get it
so i left messages

we got to the house
it still haunts me
the mother in tears
the father broken down
the sister silent

the sign up welcoming the daughter
back in from out of the country
she never got to see it
the phones ringing
the voices talking
the cars driving over
the crying
the screaming
the sadness enveloping the room

my middle daughter
finally called
and at that point
i didn't even know the full story
except to tell her
that her friend was gone
there was no easy way to say it
i knew i was shattering her world

my poor baby
away and crying
she had friends to console her
thank goodness
some of those girls knew the departed one

but i wanted to hug her
i wanted to console her

my oldest was distraught
i was worried
the mother was concerned
she told me to leave early
here she was
heartbroken over her loss
but knowing how much my oldest had struggled
knew it was not good
for her to be in that situation

we stayed for a bit
then she and i left
we were silent
we went home
watched tv
then went to get ice cream for dinner

the boy behind the counter
told me to get some sleep
my eyes were red
my face was white
there were no words
to describe how i felt

the next morning
when i woke up
i screamed
because i knew it was safer
to be in bed asleep
dreaming
than to be awake
into the nightmare