I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters...

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters
Doing 26 random acts of kindness after sandy hook
I was devastated when a mentally I'll individual took the lives of innocent people we always need kindness
I thought that from demonstrating kindness would lead to my kids also doing it
Honestly sometimes they are kinder to strangers than they are to each other
It makes me so sad to realize that they have not learned anything
Did I do it wrong
Did I not show it enough
Did I do something wrong when they were young
I am trying to understand
But I think it has to do with what they see every day
Peers bringing others down
Not supporting but happy to talk about others

I'm proud of their kindness to others
I wish they would kinder to each other

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters...

I started this page as a mom wanting a better world for her 3 daughters Doing 26 random acts of kindness after sandy hook I was devastated when a mentally I'll individual took the lives of innocent people we always need kindness I thought that from demonstrating kindness would lead to my kids also doing it Honestly sometimes they are kinder to strangers than they are to each other It makes me so sad to realize that they have not learned anything Did I do it wrong Did I not show it enough Did I do something wrong when they were young I am trying to understand But I think it has to do with what they see every day Peers bringing others down Not supporting but happy to talk about others I'm proud of their kindness to others I wish they would kinder to each other

No Do over

i went to a military funeral today
it was beautiful
in so many ways

the landscape was serene
i appreciated the symmetry
of the grave markers
the simplicity of each site
the rules and regulations
were honorable
and dignified

we all went to a pavilion
for a brief ceremony
two officers accompanied
the pall bearers
with the coffin
draped by an american flag

once everyone went
to their places
someone yelled
Secure
and then the officers
approached the coffin
delicately
removed the flag
by flying it
while held tightly in their hands
then the men
began folding the flag

i remember folding the flag
in the evenings
at summer camp
with my friends
it was joyful
we laughed
we talked
we realized we made mistakes
and would start over
until
we had made the perfect triangle

but
this was different
here this flag represented
a man's commitment to his country
his fight in the Korean war
this flag
actually represented my friend's father
they treated the flag as such
as a person
they took great care
placing the flag
into folds
then one officer stood back
held the flag tight
and started to make a triangle
out of the stripes

i realized
that if he made a mistake
he was going to have to pull it tight
he was not going to get a do over
just like in life
if you make a mistake
you can cover it up
you can ignore it
you can admit it
but you seriously
don't get a do over

this man
had a wonderful life
two children
a son and a daughter
who have been by his side
for months
as he was taken from this life

a long life
that was stopped short
due to illness
no do over
no chance to try again
but because he had always been
a decent man
he was honored
by his children
by his community
and by his nation

as the soldier finished the triangle
of solid stars
he caressed the flag
to make sure it was a
perfect triangle
he saluted the flag
he presented it to the other officer
and then
taps played

again so different than at summer camp
a real tribute to an honorable man
tears welled up
it was profound
it was a beautiful moment

when the soldier then
presented the flag to the son
he was giving his father back to him
it was significant
and memorable

it was definitely a proud moment
a lovely ceremony
pride was evident
everywhere

why does this keep happening again?

I hate this 

Why
What makes this happen  

Why now 

Why

What is the reason 

The impatience 

The disrespect  

The selfishness 

One day
I think all is great

Then
Out of nowhere 

She loses it 

All over again 

Just stay calm 

Let it go

But she can't  

She goes over the deep end so fucking fast 

There is nothing I can do 

She won't stop 

She doesn't stop 

In fact

She just makes it worse

She needs to just be quiet

Just listen

Just breathe 

She needs to get control 

I can't do it for her

As much as I want to 

She has to learn 

She has to keep learning

She must keep trying 

And not give up

Most importantly 

she needs to learn to be quiet 

and listen to others 

Damn I hate this

I hate it

I really really hate it  

Why does it keep happening? 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

it's not just for military anymore
any trauma
perceived or real
can trigger a person
and then
fight or flight happens....

Summer is starting and I am numb

That is how I feel

Numb

Nothing

When things fall apart

I just feel numb

I've been hurt so many times

I'm so sick of being yelled at

Being told I'm hated

She's sick

And all I do is help

But nothing changes

I hurt

She hurts

She hurts me

She hurts everyone around her

All we want to do is help her

16 should be sweet

when i was 16
my parents had a party for me

but it was called
"my semi-sweet 16"
my mom thought it was funny
i thought it was mean

so my youngest turned 16
she should be so happy
she passed her driving test
on her birthday
on a tuesday
that weekend
i took Bethany, the middlest
to visit a college

Lucy was so excited
able to be independent
and my husband didn't have to drive her around
but that saturday night
she wrecked the car
yes
wrecked it
right outside our house
turned left out of the driveway
was playing with the radio
then remembered she needed to turn
and
bam
right into a lightpole

she was okay
but she wasn't happy

then 2 days later
we found out
it was totaled
a green little volkswagon bug
the cutest car
it had been my mom's
then Bethany's
then I had been driving it
since we bought Bethany a car
i called it a round space of Zen
it felt so calm in it
it was peaceful

but not anymore
so Lucy was mad
she was pissed
she was downright rude
she didn't want to tell her friends
and I had to drive her again
or she had to borrow a car
not realizing how lucky she is

she got cranky looking for another car
like we were punishing her

she used to be sweet
not sure what happened

26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
children
teachers
and administration
before taking his own life

awful
scary
suffering

the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

randomly
without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

stressful holiday times

so mad at myself
really effed up some good family time

i hate when i do that
i am not seeing the big picture
i get upset about one stupid thing
and let it ruin all around me

this time is precious
we are all together for such a short time

karen is home for only 2 weeks
Bethany & Lucy have only 2 weeks off
and they only overlap one week

why do i let these little things get me down
then i hide
in my bed
because i am so embarrassed
defeating
upset with myself

mental health is not a given
we can all become unstable easily
and then beat ourselves up
when it continues to happen
and the same patterns continue

oh
i need to let it go
but it is so hard

forgiving myself is usually harder than
forgiving others

Homecoming court

my middlest
my Bethany
started her present high school
6 weeks into 10th grade

but
she was still chosen
as part of the
Homecoming Court

she was delighted
she felt so good
we definitely did the right thing
because they love her
and she loves them

she had a blast
all week
being congratulated
feeling so loved

then during the pep rally
she was either cheering
taking pictures
or being honored
as part of the homecoming court
thrilling
grandparents came in
we watched the parade
she waved and waved
to all the younger children

during halftime
we got to escort her onto the field
i am embarrassed to say
that i wanted her to win
but she didn't
she didn't care
it was like the Oscars to her
just being nominated
was the gift she liked

we just basked in the moment
the awe
the celebrity feeling
she was beaming
she was so happy

when her name was not called
she was so excited for her friend
they all were so excited for each other

it was truly a lovely memory for all of us

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Summer....

i never want it to end
love having the lazy days around here
sleeping in
sharing lunch
staying up late
watching tv
or movies
or just talking

i want my kids around me
i don't want them to go back to school

i hate when this happens
every year

some days
so many parents say they can't wait for school to start
but
i have always been different

i want them home
i don't like the schedules
the girls seem to get along better
when we just are
just be
just do
what we want
instead of
having to wake up
be somewhere they don't want to go
and not like it

pajamas are a great choice of clothing
at this time of the year
maybe it is nice outside
but it is always comfy inside the house
warm
and inviting
and loving

i know it has to end
but it is always hard for me

end of the school year...how did it go

new schools for 2 girls
can't believe it went by so fast

one to new college
one to new high school
both made new friends
and are very happy with the change

frustrating at times
one away from home
for the first time

but
in reality
we never thought she would get there
be able to do it
although times were tough
she did it
we did it

our family survived
and
are stronger because of it

glad that all changes have been good
everyone finally settled
and the year was good

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred

Christmas in Portland

On the plane home

I got to write this ditty

it is 

pretty cool

this new technology

so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-

karen didn't punch anyone in the face

the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere

my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful

they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?

Jeff

yep, the one person who i should be able to trust

was the one who let me down

it sucked

and it all started at the dfw airport

before we were on the flight

it was awful

it was horrible

he didn't support me over something with Bethany

so  Bethany was screaming at me

and he was just trying to get me to shut up

not Bethany

and it was

over something incredibly stupid

that I just needed to say to Bethany

but she kept interupting me

and wouldn't let me talk

or finish

or whatever

it seemed that everyone

got involved then

jeff

lucy

karen

along with Bethany

against me

so guess what?

TSA had to come talk to me

watching me

almost didn't let me on the plane

and

at that point

I didn't care

i wanted the situation resolved

before boarding

but

since Jeff reprimanded me

in front of the TSA employee

instead of

supporting me

after telling her

that everything would be fine

it was not resolved

and I was

followed onto the plane

then I sat down

and cried

pretty continuously

the whole 4 hour plane ride

it was lovely

i was next to karen

she was wonderful

and took care of me

but

jeff

nor lucy

nor bethany

even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe

the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland

my mother was wonderful to me

and my kids

my father was great to me

and my kids

my brother

shocked the shit

out of me with his openess

hospitality to me, my husband

and all of my children

even karen chose to go in his car

a few times

she relaxed

which made me feel better

my sister in law

made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals

and that Lucy didn't feel left out

she took them shopping

which she really enjoyed since she only has boys

and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her

it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death

so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff

got better

but it did such for a few days

especially when he didn't realize

how he had treated me

and didn't see

how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while

we were there......

for instance

when karen was worried

since we weren't all giddy that

we would get divorced

he told her he didn't know

nor did he tell me that I should talk to her

omg,

just what karen needed

something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked

about how important it was

for all 5 of us to talk about

the "airport incident" and

me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"

(whatever)

He told the girls

that *I* wanted to get us all together

so when I saw down

again

it was me against them

such a lovely feeling (not)

but

it's over

and I may still be a little pissed

but

i know

i need to let it go

anyway

about Portland

we were lucky,

we got sun our first full day there

seriously lucky

then the next couple of days

it was cloudy and grey

but then yesterday

and today

it was raining

yucky

grey skies

raining, pitter patter rain

not thunderstorm rain

the kind that makes you sleepy

drowsy

get under your covers and read a book

watch a movie

or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in

the adults went out to dinner

and the kids got pizza and rented a movie

all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them

that is their chirstmas eve tradition

they went to mass,

we rested at the hotel

until we all met back at their home

dinner was lasagna

molly's famous meat lasagna

that she only makes at christmas

but she made her regular veggie one too

for bethany

sourdough bread

salad and christmas cookies

the next morning

we got over there early

opened our christmas gift

we all got stockings

even Jeff and I were

given something small

in my brother's athletic socks

because we didn't have official santa stockings

we gave all of them small gifts

(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes

and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage

that my brother now makes

it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition

of going to the movies

they always do it too

we split up

one of my nephews and I went to see

"the girl with the dragon tatoo"

Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's

everyone else saw "Hugo"

then we went back to their house

for a crab fest christmas dinner

Monday

all the girls (minus karen)

went shopping

and the boys plus karen

were going to go do nature things

but the boys didn't really want to go

so they went to a real

record store

and hung out

that night we went to Jake's seafood

it is an old staple

like Joe's stone crab in miami

and every single thing we ate was delicious

seriously

Yesterday

we went to a famous portland Deli

went to powell's books

a multi level bookstore

that is the biggest in north america

if not all of the americas

where all the kids

got to pick out their hanukkah gifts

from my brother's family

then we went to a matinee

performance of

The Santa Land Diaries

the David Sedaris story

it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house

for our hanukkah exchange

brisket & latkes

and lighting of the candles

for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)

Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere

but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye

and i don't think there were any regrets

like I said

they exceeded my expectations!

it ended up being fabulous

and very memorable!

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
but
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
but
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there
listen

i want to fix it
but
i can't
and
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Selfish Birthdays

this year
i didn't feel like celebrating my birthday
too much has happened
some friends lost a daughter
my daughters lost a friend
another daughter
isn't here
she is in college
she is alive
but
not with me

when i told my daughters
at home
that i just wanted to go
to a movie
alone
they thought
that was depressing

so i called another friend
to meet for lunch
on my birthday

so i went to class
my Mindfulness class
where i focused
on me
that doesn't happen often
then I met my friend
for lunch
and it was sweet

then
i went to a movie
alone
with a diet coke
popcorn
and junior mints
it was a perfect afternoon

i focused on myself
i don't do that often enough
i tried not to answer
any emails
or texts
or phone messages
unless
i wanted to

again
that doesn't happen often
i do so many things
for so many
other people
some days
it is okay
to be selfish

i just need to remember that

Crying

i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

sometimes
i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
but
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

often
i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
but
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
and
again
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
and
sometimes
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it