Thursday, February 24, 2011


some days i am just so tired

between running a volunteer event
like the volunteers for the Gala
or volunteering myself
for a weekend at a youth group event
for NFTY
or just being a mom
to 3 girls
one of whom is on a ski trip
and called me from the top of the mountain
where she was stranded

i give so much of myself
to so many other people
that sometimes
i am not sure what i do for myself
and then
when i think about it
all i can see
is just how exhausted i am

i don't want to move
i don't want to answer the phone
or emails
or texts
or anything else
where i have to contend with other people

that is my job
being a mother
being a wife
being a volunteer

when Karen
came home from her trip
she was still upset over being left on the mountain
i totally understood
it was one of her biggest fears

my husband went out of town
i was alone with all 3 girls
that shoudln't be a problem
things had been so good

but his first night gone
and i was supposed to go meet
some of my girlfriends for dinner
i never got the chance to leave

Karen went ballistic
and almost hit Bethany
Bethany was scared
as was i
i now know that Karen was scared
i had to give her some other meds to calm down
she was out of control
i almost had to call 911
i hadn't done that for almost 2 years

it reminded me of the old times
when we feared every day
that our house would fall apart

i hate that
i hate this
i am scared of what will happen next
can the doctors help with this?
can medication help with this?
can she learn to calm herself down?

i just know that some days
i am so exhausted
that i can't imagine
what else to do
than just sleep...
and i know
that is not the answer

Tuesday, February 22, 2011



that was over 25 years ago
i never went to a national event
they didn't even have national conferences then
but i went to as many regional events
as i could
so many of my lifelong friends
came from those days

i went to a ton of local events too
because our jewish population
in my little city where i was born
was not big
so we hung out at our temple
with our youth group
our friends from childhood

we played together
we prayed together
we sang together

this past weekend
i got to experience
my first national
NFTY event

what a blast
the same songs
the same prayers
the same people
with just different faces
were all over the hotel
i took Bethany
and she loved it too

it bring back so many memories
and i got to be there with my
very best friend
who i met though TOFTY

and saw many friends
who i know through camp
which is knowing them
through NFTY

it was so wonderful
to be a part of it
all over again

i hope my kids get to experience
all the wonderful things too

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Last Greenhill Gala

after 13 years as a parent
i just finished
volunteering at the Gala
where my children
went to school

all 3 girls
went to kindergarten there
i had taught kindergarten there
it was my favorite year

all 3 girls
were in the Nutcracker
their annual performance

all 3 girls
got the experience
the 1st grade thanksgiving feast
the 2nd grade Texas play
the 5th grade Greek Day
the 6th grade Renaissance Day

all 3 girls
learning how to read and write
and do multiplication skills
at that place
where we felt like family
like a real community
looking out for one another

the place is not the same anymore
i don't feel it
my husband doesn't feel it
my kids definitely don't

Karen left after 9th grade
her mental health depended on it
she was slowly killing herself
pushing herself so hard
and expecting herself to be perfect

When Bethany started high school
i warned her
not to take it all so seriously
she said she wouldn't
i wanted her to leave after 9th grade
but she didn't want to
she had been there for 11 years by then
she had some solid friendships

but 6 weeks into school
she felt so much pressure
and depression
she studied all the time
and didn't get the grades she felt were good enough
and didn't have a social life
so she left

about that time
we knew that Lucy was going to have to leave to
we knew we needed to look
at that point
we knew we couldn't have her even start high school
she is all smiles
so happy
the biggest joy to meet
she had faced some rough times
in the last year
at her school
and her smile was fading
if she went to high school there
we might lose that sparkle forever

i volunteered
because that is what i do best
at the annual Gala
i have always done it
some years very big
other years pretty small

this year was no exception
except it was my last
no fanfare
no explanation
but it was bittersweet
i knew it was the ending
even though
not everyone there did

Thursday, February 17, 2011


my daughter pulls her hair
that doesn't explain it

she pulls at her hair
making "hair balls'
that I call them
and then she pulls those out

she did this a couple of years ago
she had done it for a while
and I would find hair balls all over
her hair was all different lengths
she was self conscious
didn't like to be reminded of it
so I tried not to dwell on it
she hated getting her haircut
because she was concerned
what the stylists would think

that horrible terrible event happened
and she was gone
to her residential treatment center
while there
she had such an epiphany
that she stopped
it was wonderful

she came home
so much calmer
and was also not pulling her hair

a year went by
she was doing so well
she started looking at colleges
and the idea of leaving home
engulfed her
she realized
she would be going away in a year
she got fidgety again
although she was on so many meds
for depression
for ADD
for her cerebral dysrythmia
she started the hair balls again

around christmas time
she had me read a story
because I didn't think she had this diseasse
because she didn't pull at the roots
only at the ends
she decided she wanted me to read an autobiography
of a girl with Trich
because she did

of course
knowing me
I searched the internet
scoured over articles
joined chat groups
discussion logs
because I will do anything to support
any of my daughters

she has it
it just presents itself differently
she is so anxious

I have ordered her
many different fidget toys
so she can always have something to do with her hands
she finds that it is times when her hands aren't busy
watching tv
sitting in class
that she feels the need to play with her hair

she discovered wearing a knit cap
helps remind her not to pull
because it covers her hair

I just love her so much
I want her to be happy
I want her to love herself
I want her to be proud of herself

She is beautiful
I personally
don't give a shit
what any hair stylist says
my daughter is gorgeous
with hair
or without it

Saturday, February 5, 2011

bittersweet birthdays

it seriously can't be
i know i should be excited
and i am
i am also
and wondering
just where did my babies go?

Lucy turned 14 today
no more baby girls
Karen is a senior
second semester senior
with college on the horizon
and in less than 8 months

i am not ready
i don't want an empty house
i want my babies with me

i always knew i was going to be a mom
that would be my job
what happens
in the next four years
they will all be leaving me

i know
not leaving for good
they will always be a part of me
they won't be living in our house anymore
and it will never be the same

no more dinners for 5
no more family talks around the table
that can happen
every night
only when Karen comes home to visit
or during the summer
it is going to be different
it will not be the same

i want to stop time
stop time
enjoy every moment
while i can

i am
i am relishing it
i just don't want it to end
every moment is bittersweet
even birthdays

Friday, February 4, 2011

snow week

what a fabulous week
no school

glorious days
with nothing to do
lazy days
with nowhere to go
just lounging around
enjoying the company
of family

i honestly
don't understand
the complaints of other parents
why do they whine
about being home with their kids

i love being here with them
i love walking by a room and
seeing a smile
catching a wave
watching them outside in the snow
snow flurries on the ground

it has been a beautiful week
and i am going to be even sadder
when they have to go back to school
on monday

best week ever
4 snow days in a row
and then a weekend