bittersweet birthdays

it seriously can't be
i know i should be excited
happy
overjoyed
and i am
but
i am also
feeling
sad
lonely
old
worried
and wondering
just where did my babies go?

Lucy turned 14 today
no more baby girls
Karen is a senior
second semester senior
with college on the horizon
and in less than 8 months

i am not ready
i don't want an empty house
i want my babies with me
always

i always knew i was going to be a mom
that would be my job
but
what happens
in the next four years
they will all be leaving me

i know
not leaving for good
they will always be a part of me
but
they won't be living in our house anymore
and it will never be the same

no more dinners for 5
no more family talks around the table
that can happen
every night
now
only when Karen comes home to visit
or during the summer
but
it is going to be different
it will not be the same

i want to stop time
yes
stop time
enjoy every moment
while i can

i am
i am relishing it
i just don't want it to end
every moment is bittersweet
even birthdays