Thursday, February 24, 2011

exhaustion

some days i am just so tired

between running a volunteer event
like the volunteers for the Gala
or volunteering myself
for a weekend at a youth group event
for NFTY
or just being a mom
to 3 girls
one of whom is on a ski trip
and called me from the top of the mountain
where she was stranded

i give so much of myself
to so many other people
that sometimes
i am not sure what i do for myself
and then
when i think about it
all i can see
is just how exhausted i am

i don't want to move
i don't want to answer the phone
or emails
or texts
or anything else
where i have to contend with other people

but
that is my job
being a mother
being a wife
being a volunteer

when Karen
came home from her trip
she was still upset over being left on the mountain
i totally understood
it was one of her biggest fears

but
then
my husband went out of town
i was alone with all 3 girls
that shoudln't be a problem
things had been so good

but his first night gone
and i was supposed to go meet
some of my girlfriends for dinner
but
i never got the chance to leave

Karen went ballistic
and almost hit Bethany
Bethany was scared
as was i
i now know that Karen was scared
i had to give her some other meds to calm down
she was out of control
i almost had to call 911
i hadn't done that for almost 2 years

it reminded me of the old times
when we feared every day
that our house would fall apart

i hate that
i hate this
i am scared of what will happen next
can the doctors help with this?
can medication help with this?
can she learn to calm herself down?

i just know that some days
i am so exhausted
that i can't imagine
what else to do
than just sleep...
and i know
that is not the answer