Friday, January 7, 2011

finally speaking

days
weeks
and in reality
months
it takes so long
to actually talk on the phone
sometimes
i wonder
if it is worth it

all the confusion
all the disappointment
all the sadness
should it go away now
don't think it can be that easy

emails
conversations with other people
friends
family members

the judging
the accusations
the threats
the misunderstandings

i am not sure
how to feel at this moment

still
not sure
i should feel relieved
but i don't
i should feel understood
but i don't
i should feel like a weight is off my shoulders
but i don't

i don't think it will ever be the way i want
i don't think there will ever be a clear understanding
of each other

no
not really

i can pretend
because i don't think he gets it
and i now
don't think he ever will

limited perspectives
and wants to stay that way
i know i am not perfect
i don't pretend to be
i try all types of ways
to parent
and have made many mistakes along the way
but
i admit it
don't see that happening
over there

different sections of the country
maybe
different personalties
maybe
different families
well
no
not really
now
but wasn't before

i can't understand his
and
he can't understand mine

i guess that makes it hard
but i try to understand
but
then sometimes
i just get madder
because it doesn't make sense
to me
so
i guess
i don't make sense to him

but we spoke
i said
what i needed to say
and
he accepted it
tried to see how i felt
but still not sure
i can't see how
he has friends who thinks they are perfect
that can't be real
someone is lying
because
honestly
nobody is perfect
and if they believe that
they are lying

but we spoke
he heard what i had to say
and i heard an apology
of sorts
and that has to be enough
has to be
because that is all
i will ever get