Tuesday, October 13, 2009

trying to make it work...

I never know if I can do it
the three girls
my husband
my extended family

I feel overwhelmed at times
I feel strung out
I want to make them all happy
but
I need to take care of myself too

when I am worrying about one kid
the other 2 feel left out
so
with all that has been going on
my middle one
has really been feeling neglected

and for that reason
mostly
she reminds me of me

I want help from others
but I never want to ask
I don't want to burden other people
and I feel like a bother
but there are times
when I need it so much
but just don't know how to say it

she has been hurting
she has a lot of anger towards me right now
I want to help her
but she won't let me

she'll yell at me
she'll walk away from me
she'll ask me to drive her somewhere
which sometimes
just pisses me off
why should I drive her
when she won't talk to me

but
I am being told
this is normal
she is finding her own self
wanting me there for her at times
and other times
not at all

she is "normal"
I know
she is so normal
and she can be so good
but other times
I wonder who she is
I wonder if she cares

one moment
she tells me she is so sad
for me because I am
crying all the time
and then
the next moment
she said she is sick
of me being sad

I am sad
scared
tense
worried
trying to keep it all together
and worried I am
going to break it all apart

I always thought I wanted
an even amount of kids
2 or 4
so there would not be a middle child
I was told
then someone would always be left out
and I never wanted to do that to a child

but g-d and mother nature
laughed at me
and gave me 3 kids
and not just any kids
but 3 girls
3 teenage girls
at the same time

some people laugh at me
like my great aunt
since she did it too
others feel sorry
for me
because they only have 1 girl
and said that was enough for them

but me
I am grateful
because they are beautiful
creatures
who I am helping mold
into lovely young people

they may fight with me
yell at me
scream at me
hate me at times
think I am mean
strict
or
just plain cruel

but they are good people
who care for one another
now
and for me
and my husband

and at least
with 3 girls
at all times
there is always one
who is nice to me