Thursday, October 15, 2009

more doctor visits

pediatricians
psychologists
all for one
and one for all

I drive all day
to so many places
I sit in offices
reading magazines
waiting for a smile
to greet me
after an emotional appointment

I get scared
what if I did something wrong
what if I am the reason for this behavior in the house
how can 3 teenagers live under one roof
and not explode

With all that has gone on
with Karen
and her long time away from the house
I was preoccupied with that
I was saddened by the events

then with what happened
with Little Lucy
and the difficult time
she had at school
with administrators
and teachers

Again
I forgot about the middle one
She was always busy
doing homework
going out with friends
talking on the phone
texting on the phone
chatting on facebook
or im'ing with someone new

she seemed good
school work was a bit much
she had started high school
and I had met her teachers
but I felt watched
some of those teachers
knew Karen as a freshman
they watched her crumble
and I feared so much
that Bethany would not be like that
I knew she was strong
I felt it
she was showing me
she was strong

but the truth was
she was hurting inside
tonight
at her psychologist's appointment
the doctor came out
smiling
but told me
that the next session
needed to include me
oh
sure
of course
whatever I need to do for my daughter
but
my gut hurt
I did something to hurt my little girl
and I sure didn't want to
but she felt it
she was angry
she had vented a lot
the doctor said
so we could wait a week to meet

okay I said
then we got in the car
and a tear rolled down my cheek
please I hoped
don't see this
she will only think of me as weak

she said she didn't want to get into it
but she had explained why
she had yelled at her older sister last weekend
that she was scared
she tried to tell me
she was worried she hadn't changed
and she said I hadn't listened
I was only angry that
she hurt her sister
I didn't think
about her feelings

there was more
she didn't want to get into it
she wanted to wait
she needed time

and I will give it to her
however she wants it
because that is what she deserves
my time
my space
my apologies
my healing
my thinking about her
and only her

I didn't mean to hurt her
but I guess I did