Sunday, September 13, 2009

It's the little things

walking with the dog
seeing a picture
being in the kitchen
listening to rain

driving by her school
during the day
when the kids are out playing sports
when carpool is starting in the morning
when the cars are lining up to pick them up
when I see then drive off

trying to make dinner
seeing the other sisters
hearing the phone ringing

looking into my purse and seeing her favorite candy
seeing a t-shirt I think she would like
hearing a song I know she does like
a tv show in the background
a video game in a commercial
a bookstore
any book
any written word

so many little things add up
to make me miss her more
and scared for her return

it has been so long since she left now
will be all be okay when she gets back?
will we start off normally and crumble later?
will she freak out when she arrives home?
will we all walk on eggshells?

will we know if this has all been worth it?
can we be able to tell
right away
or after weeks
or months

it is the little things that make me miss her
hearing her voice again
so sad that they took 3 phone days
and turned them into 2
most parents are fine with it
the nurse says
well i'm not
I want my daughter home
I want to talk to her as often as I can
I miss her
I need her
I want to comfort her

I can barely walk upstairs
even though her room is at the end of the hall
I can barely get out of bed
take a shower
brush my hair
anything that takes effort
wears me out
because she isn't here

getting mail for her
a magazine being delivered
for her
or just the cover I think she would like
even finding the balls of hair
she would pick off her head
they used to annoy me
now when I see them
I think of her
and remember she has been here
and try to remember
that she is coming back
just not soon enough for me