Saturday, June 26, 2010

how do you know?

when a blog is finished
or when a blog is right
or when a post will make someone cringe
or cry

i always had this idea about starting a blog
i don't know why
i have never really been a writer
and i hate hate hate to journal

i made my website
but it sat still and blank for so long

then that awful
horrible
terrible
situation happened with my oldest
my baby
that tore our family apart

then
i got the urge
i felt i needed to write down my feelings
and i don't even know if anyone reads this thing
but
does it matter
am i doing for myself
or for other people

do i want other parents to know
how we struggle
how often
families who might look good on the outside
are sick on the inside

that was our family's struggle
with the whole mental illness issue

karen looks good
she gets good grades
she doesn't drink or party
she is calm in the outside world
but
at home
she fell apart
and sometimes still does
but nobody sees that

so we looked like
a perfect family
3 beautiful girls
2 lovely parents
who all care about each other
but
then nobody knows
what goes on behind closed doors

crying myself to sleep
some nights
worried i was doing something wrong
that i was a horrible mother
that i was a bad wife
that i was ignoring my friends
because i couldn't answer the phone
or return emails
just because
i didn't have the energy

how do i know
that i did the right thing
that i started this blog
to write about real life
but
i ended up writing about our family's problems
how do i know
if that was what i was supposed to do

should i share this
with my friends and family
what if i upset someone
with something i said
what if i upset my children
even though i used fake names

how and i supposed to know
if i did the right thing