26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
children
teachers
and administration
before taking his own life

awful
scary
suffering

the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

randomly
without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

stressful holiday times

so mad at myself
really effed up some good family time

i hate when i do that
i am not seeing the big picture
i get upset about one stupid thing
and let it ruin all around me

this time is precious
we are all together for such a short time

karen is home for only 2 weeks
Bethany & Lucy have only 2 weeks off
and they only overlap one week

why do i let these little things get me down
then i hide
in my bed
because i am so embarrassed
defeating
upset with myself

mental health is not a given
we can all become unstable easily
and then beat ourselves up
when it continues to happen
and the same patterns continue

oh
i need to let it go
but it is so hard

forgiving myself is usually harder than
forgiving others