Homecoming court

my middlest
my Bethany
started her present high school
6 weeks into 10th grade

but
she was still chosen
as part of the
Homecoming Court

she was delighted
she felt so good
we definitely did the right thing
because they love her
and she loves them

she had a blast
all week
being congratulated
feeling so loved

then during the pep rally
she was either cheering
taking pictures
or being honored
as part of the homecoming court
thrilling
grandparents came in
we watched the parade
she waved and waved
to all the younger children

during halftime
we got to escort her onto the field
i am embarrassed to say
that i wanted her to win
but she didn't
she didn't care
it was like the Oscars to her
just being nominated
was the gift she liked

we just basked in the moment
the awe
the celebrity feeling
she was beaming
she was so happy

when her name was not called
she was so excited for her friend
they all were so excited for each other

it was truly a lovely memory for all of us

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Summer....

i never want it to end
love having the lazy days around here
sleeping in
sharing lunch
staying up late
watching tv
or movies
or just talking

i want my kids around me
i don't want them to go back to school

i hate when this happens
every year

some days
so many parents say they can't wait for school to start
but
i have always been different

i want them home
i don't like the schedules
the girls seem to get along better
when we just are
just be
just do
what we want
instead of
having to wake up
be somewhere they don't want to go
and not like it

pajamas are a great choice of clothing
at this time of the year
maybe it is nice outside
but it is always comfy inside the house
warm
and inviting
and loving

i know it has to end
but it is always hard for me

end of the school year...how did it go

new schools for 2 girls
can't believe it went by so fast

one to new college
one to new high school
both made new friends
and are very happy with the change

frustrating at times
one away from home
for the first time

but
in reality
we never thought she would get there
be able to do it
although times were tough
she did it
we did it

our family survived
and
are stronger because of it

glad that all changes have been good
everyone finally settled
and the year was good

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred

Sundance

so cool
so very cool
still can't believe I went

My parents have a place in Deer Valley
a little place in Park City Utah
so my mom has been attending
the Sundance Film Festival
for about 5 years now

she raves about it
so this year
she offered a trip
to me
and my oldest
for our birthday presents

well
last year
my brother
and his wife
went for theirs
it wasn't like we had thought of it before
we just didn't know we could ask
my brother is the smarter one
he knew to ask first
what's new
i have been quieter when
it comes to asking for things

anyway
we both were so excited
the whole process starts in the fall
getting on a "list"
getting an access code
then a special time to buy ticket packages
or passes
my mom always has the first class package
she always does everything
first class
that's her
but Karen and I got a ticket package
20 tickets for 3 days.
Our goal
10 movies
together for 3 days.

All of this happened before December.
Then in January
we received the list of movie titles
and stars
and the schedule
the hard part was
picking out all the movies
that we wanted to see
but within our special days
and
within the schedule of what was playing when
and only in Park City
because other cities
have movies too.

We picked 10 movies
we were able to get 9 out of the 10 we wanted
then added an extra
which ended up starring Parker Posey-
-so how could we go wrong-
we actually got to see 2 extra shorts too
because they were paired with our movies
12 total (one "short" was 45 minutes long)

Out of the 12 we saw
we are big fans of 9
pretty good odds

one film was slow
one film I liked
but she didn't
one film we liked
but then heard from an insider
some issues with it

some made me laugh
some made me cry
some made me angry
in a good way

the experience was so powerful
i have already decided to go back next year
my middlest
and one nephew who is interested in film
will be high school seniors next year
what great gifts to give them

and I haven't even discussed the stars we saw
maybe later

2nd semester

all my kids started a new semester
the younger two
changed a couple of classes
but many courses
stayed the same
things are good
in high school

but
for the oldest
she goes back to college
she left again
today
after a
wonderful week at sundance

i did okay
letting her go this time
we hugged a lot
at the airport
i watched her go
through security
and
i surprised myself
by not crying

she is so happy
she loves her school
she adores her friends
she found the best place for her

THAT is why i am good
when she is happy
i am happy

the house is calmer
but good
quieter
but good
dinners are still good
and
i will still cook

even though
her chair
will remain empty

More time with the family

so much free time
it feel so good

hate when my kids go back to school
even when they were little
i hated it
i like them home
with me

maybe i am weird
i know most moms don't feel this way
but
i do
even when times
were rough
and
they were little
and
things were crazy
i still liked them
at home
making messes
it was fun
crazy
but fun

my oldest
has 6 weeks off
this year
her freshman year in college
the other 2
only have 2 weeks
but
we are enjoying it
sleeping in
seeing movies
having friends over
spending time together

i even made
pancakes
after midnight
on
new years eve
when the high school juniors
came home
after their party

chocolate chip pancakes
life is short
chocolate is good
enjoy it

Christmas in Portland

On the plane home

I got to write this ditty

it is 

pretty cool

this new technology

so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-

karen didn't punch anyone in the face

the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere

my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful

they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?

Jeff

yep, the one person who i should be able to trust

was the one who let me down

it sucked

and it all started at the dfw airport

before we were on the flight

it was awful

it was horrible

he didn't support me over something with Bethany

so  Bethany was screaming at me

and he was just trying to get me to shut up

not Bethany

and it was

over something incredibly stupid

that I just needed to say to Bethany

but she kept interupting me

and wouldn't let me talk

or finish

or whatever

it seemed that everyone

got involved then

jeff

lucy

karen

along with Bethany

against me

so guess what?

TSA had to come talk to me

watching me

almost didn't let me on the plane

and

at that point

I didn't care

i wanted the situation resolved

before boarding

but

since Jeff reprimanded me

in front of the TSA employee

instead of

supporting me

after telling her

that everything would be fine

it was not resolved

and I was

followed onto the plane

then I sat down

and cried

pretty continuously

the whole 4 hour plane ride

it was lovely

i was next to karen

she was wonderful

and took care of me

but

jeff

nor lucy

nor bethany

even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe

the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland

my mother was wonderful to me

and my kids

my father was great to me

and my kids

my brother

shocked the shit

out of me with his openess

hospitality to me, my husband

and all of my children

even karen chose to go in his car

a few times

she relaxed

which made me feel better

my sister in law

made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals

and that Lucy didn't feel left out

she took them shopping

which she really enjoyed since she only has boys

and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her

it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death

so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff

got better

but it did such for a few days

especially when he didn't realize

how he had treated me

and didn't see

how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while

we were there......

for instance

when karen was worried

since we weren't all giddy that

we would get divorced

he told her he didn't know

nor did he tell me that I should talk to her

omg,

just what karen needed

something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked

about how important it was

for all 5 of us to talk about

the "airport incident" and

me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"

(whatever)

He told the girls

that *I* wanted to get us all together

so when I saw down

again

it was me against them

such a lovely feeling (not)

but

it's over

and I may still be a little pissed

but

i know

i need to let it go

anyway

about Portland

we were lucky,

we got sun our first full day there

seriously lucky

then the next couple of days

it was cloudy and grey

but then yesterday

and today

it was raining

yucky

grey skies

raining, pitter patter rain

not thunderstorm rain

the kind that makes you sleepy

drowsy

get under your covers and read a book

watch a movie

or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in

the adults went out to dinner

and the kids got pizza and rented a movie

all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them

that is their chirstmas eve tradition

they went to mass,

we rested at the hotel

until we all met back at their home

dinner was lasagna

molly's famous meat lasagna

that she only makes at christmas

but she made her regular veggie one too

for bethany

sourdough bread

salad and christmas cookies

the next morning

we got over there early

opened our christmas gift

we all got stockings

even Jeff and I were

given something small

in my brother's athletic socks

because we didn't have official santa stockings

we gave all of them small gifts

(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes

and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage

that my brother now makes

it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition

of going to the movies

they always do it too

we split up

one of my nephews and I went to see

"the girl with the dragon tatoo"

Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's

everyone else saw "Hugo"

then we went back to their house

for a crab fest christmas dinner

Monday

all the girls (minus karen)

went shopping

and the boys plus karen

were going to go do nature things

but the boys didn't really want to go

so they went to a real

record store

and hung out

that night we went to Jake's seafood

it is an old staple

like Joe's stone crab in miami

and every single thing we ate was delicious

seriously

Yesterday

we went to a famous portland Deli

went to powell's books

a multi level bookstore

that is the biggest in north america

if not all of the americas

where all the kids

got to pick out their hanukkah gifts

from my brother's family

then we went to a matinee

performance of

The Santa Land Diaries

the David Sedaris story

it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house

for our hanukkah exchange

brisket & latkes

and lighting of the candles

for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)

Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere

but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye

and i don't think there were any regrets

like I said

they exceeded my expectations!

it ended up being fabulous

and very memorable!