Wednesday, January 27, 2010

gearing up...

Hard to believe my baby is 13
ready to become a Bat Mitzvah
she has grown so fast
I am not ready for this

I am
I am not

I honestly don't like my girls growing up sometimes
she is so ready
she is so prepared

we have all the clothes picked out
the jewelry
and the shoes
the parties planned
the meals decided
there is just so much to do

my speech
I say it in my head at night
every night
trying to perfect it
trying to make it sound like I want
I don't think I will ever get it right
trying to tell her how I feel

here is where I try-

Lucy, when you were born your daddy and I always said that you were the best present we could have ever give your sisters.  But, we were wrong; you have been a gift to all of us.  Your smile is contagious, your energy is outstanding and you always make sure that someone in the family is laughing with you!  We have been so lucky that you have always been a part of our family.
Honestly, I can’t believe I am here, my baby is 13.  Yes, this event is bittersweet, it is the last of our family’s bat mitzvahs, but this one is so special because it is yours and you made it so different from your sisters and mine.
People kept asking me, does it get easier, do I have it down pat now---and the answer is NO.  This service, the preparation work, the planning was all about you-you helped make the decisions all along the way.  Like the jewish adult you became today, you knew that you have a right in the decisions that affect you. This weekend is to celebrate you, your accomplishments, your accolades, and your individualness.
I value your differences-I love how much you care about others. Since you were practically raised going to fun Saturdays each month for so many years, it was a habit, not a new mitzvah project for you. It was great to find new ones-caring for children and seniors who can’t help themselves and will appreciate your art was such a fun project.  And, as you know, it doesn’t have to stop here.  You can always have your friends make fun placemats for different holidays-you know that mitzvah work does not begin and end solely to become at bat mitzvah, it is life altering, it is a lifetime commitment to the practice and changing your projects over time –like Go Red for Women and Greene Family Camp, next week, maybe you’ll find something else.
Your laugh is infectious and not to share that is a misfortune. Being silly is a fabulous trait that you did inherit from your daddy, along with his face, and watching you share that with so many people is a pleasure.
One of my favorite qualities about you, is how you always make lemonade out of lemons, you always find the silver lining----I remember when you were little and once while skiing down a mountain, you fell down, you looked up at me, and said “well, as long as I am here, I am going to make a snow angel” most kids would have cried or gotten angry at themselves, but not you.  You’re always looking for the good in everyone and everything.  You are always the first one to compliment someone you meet, you notice new haircuts, new glasses and cute outfits. I am always so proud when you meet new people and act confident in front of others immediately.
These last few months have been very hard on our family, and sometimes you didn’t want to talk about it, but, deep down, it did bother you.  You always try to find the good in things, and today, things are SO good with our family, and you share that with all us daily.  Thank you so much for your inspiration.  You make me so proud.
Once you spent the night out, and the next day the father told me, it’s official, she even smiles in her sleep.  That beautiful big smile-may you never hide it, or hide behind it.  It does a world of good to everyone who comes in contact with it.
Thank you for sharing it with me every day. I love you-and am so proud of you today and every day!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

not happy to get back to school

going back to school
is always hard on everyone
i hate it
i want my girls home with me
i enjoy the time we spend together
i like seeing them all day
i love having fun with them

so sunday nights
are always hard
after a 2 week break
from school
it is even more hard

everyone seemed to have a meltdown tonight
the biggest
the middlest
and the littlest

nobody seems happy

My husband and I decided
on mondays
or the first day back to school
every week
we would help Karen
by taking her to breakfast somewhere
and dropping her off to school

it is too hard for her
to get out of bed
get dressed
eat something at home
and then walk to school
when she is anxious
and does not want to get back

so first day back each week now
is breakfast day
one of us takes the younger 2
to their school
and one of us takes the big one
to hers

it helps ease the stress

it looks like tomorrow
all of us
including me
maybe even especially me
needs to extra attention

Friday, January 1, 2010


that is the best way to describe it
the vacation
the trip
the family compound

it was exhausting
it was fun
it was emotional
it was draining

i really just don't get
how people can love you
care for you
and be involved in your life
not ask any personal questions
pretend that nothing
extremely difficult did happen

my poor big girl
everyone ignored the fact that she
spent 2 months
in a residential treatment center
was said to her
not even just a remark
about being sorry she was away
that they didn't know what to say

poor thing
she felt self conscious
even more than usual
she felt they didn't care
she felt rejected
and became depressed all over again

i want to take all that hurt away
i want to yell at my family
i want to tell them how their
limited ability to communicate
shattered my daughter's self image

it would be worthless
they didn't notice her falling apart
very much
that is
they knew she had a hard time
then later
my husband and I would
help her feel better
and they would just see her with a smile again
because she was pretending
it didn't bother her
when it really did inside

they didn't notice
they pretended not to

it is over
we are home
and I hope
she starts feeling better about herself
very soon