need to catch up

the oldest went to college
the middle started her junior year in high school
the youngest started high school

where did the time go
i know
i feel it
just yesterday
i was changing diapers
and washing faces

now
they are older
they are sassy
they can be independent
but they can also be dependent

transition has been difficult
for all of them
and
for me

some days the oldest calls
6 times a day
sometimes
just once a day

the middle one
needs me some days
and others
not so much

the youngest one
is gently
becoming her own person
knowing that a smile helps
but
that she doesn't need me around all the time any more

i hate it
i admit it

when my oldest and I
are together
we have so much fun
but then she leaves
or I leave her
and
i get depressed all over again

when my middle one gets angry
at me
or the world
i want to fix it for her
she is suffering
over the loss of her friend
but i can't help
nor will she let me try

my youngest is quieter
she is helpful to her friend
who lost the sister
so she takes her lead from her
in how to react
she is making new friends
and
keeping in touch with all
her old ones

some days
i just wonder what to do....

way too long

i've lost track
of how many times
i have thought about writing a post
because i just looked at my blog
for the first time in almost months

how did i get so far behind?
well
i know
i do
i just don't want to admit it

life was moving along
drama was always to be had
having 3 teenage girls in the house

then
the phone rang
on august 3rd
my mind still goes back to that day
and i doubt i will ever forget it

i could tell my friend was upset
but
i would never have known the depth

a 17 year old girl
daughter of a friend
friend of my daughter
had died
in a tragic traffic accident

i screamed
i cried
i defended
that it couldn't be
how could she be gone so fast

so much has happened
and so little
in so long

time stopped
or it stood still
it didn't seem possible
it didn't seem real

we drove to the house
my family
but
the daughter who was closest to this girl
was out of town
not far
but still gone
crying
i tried to call her
i couldn't get it
so i left messages

we got to the house
it still haunts me
the mother in tears
the father broken down
the sister silent

the sign up welcoming the daughter
back in from out of the country
she never got to see it
the phones ringing
the voices talking
the cars driving over
the crying
the screaming
the sadness enveloping the room

my middle daughter
finally called
and at that point
i didn't even know the full story
except to tell her
that her friend was gone
there was no easy way to say it
i knew i was shattering her world

my poor baby
away and crying
she had friends to console her
thank goodness
some of those girls knew the departed one

but i wanted to hug her
i wanted to console her

my oldest was distraught
i was worried
the mother was concerned
she told me to leave early
here she was
heartbroken over her loss
but knowing how much my oldest had struggled
knew it was not good
for her to be in that situation

we stayed for a bit
then she and i left
we were silent
we went home
watched tv
then went to get ice cream for dinner

the boy behind the counter
told me to get some sleep
my eyes were red
my face was white
there were no words
to describe how i felt

the next morning
when i woke up
i screamed
because i knew it was safer
to be in bed asleep
dreaming
than to be awake
into the nightmare