Christmas in Portland

On the plane home

I got to write this ditty

it is 

pretty cool

this new technology

so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-

karen didn't punch anyone in the face

the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere

my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful

they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?

Jeff

yep, the one person who i should be able to trust

was the one who let me down

it sucked

and it all started at the dfw airport

before we were on the flight

it was awful

it was horrible

he didn't support me over something with Bethany

so  Bethany was screaming at me

and he was just trying to get me to shut up

not Bethany

and it was

over something incredibly stupid

that I just needed to say to Bethany

but she kept interupting me

and wouldn't let me talk

or finish

or whatever

it seemed that everyone

got involved then

jeff

lucy

karen

along with Bethany

against me

so guess what?

TSA had to come talk to me

watching me

almost didn't let me on the plane

and

at that point

I didn't care

i wanted the situation resolved

before boarding

but

since Jeff reprimanded me

in front of the TSA employee

instead of

supporting me

after telling her

that everything would be fine

it was not resolved

and I was

followed onto the plane

then I sat down

and cried

pretty continuously

the whole 4 hour plane ride

it was lovely

i was next to karen

she was wonderful

and took care of me

but

jeff

nor lucy

nor bethany

even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe

the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland

my mother was wonderful to me

and my kids

my father was great to me

and my kids

my brother

shocked the shit

out of me with his openess

hospitality to me, my husband

and all of my children

even karen chose to go in his car

a few times

she relaxed

which made me feel better

my sister in law

made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals

and that Lucy didn't feel left out

she took them shopping

which she really enjoyed since she only has boys

and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her

it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death

so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff

got better

but it did such for a few days

especially when he didn't realize

how he had treated me

and didn't see

how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while

we were there......

for instance

when karen was worried

since we weren't all giddy that

we would get divorced

he told her he didn't know

nor did he tell me that I should talk to her

omg,

just what karen needed

something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked

about how important it was

for all 5 of us to talk about

the "airport incident" and

me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"

(whatever)

He told the girls

that *I* wanted to get us all together

so when I saw down

again

it was me against them

such a lovely feeling (not)

but

it's over

and I may still be a little pissed

but

i know

i need to let it go

anyway

about Portland

we were lucky,

we got sun our first full day there

seriously lucky

then the next couple of days

it was cloudy and grey

but then yesterday

and today

it was raining

yucky

grey skies

raining, pitter patter rain

not thunderstorm rain

the kind that makes you sleepy

drowsy

get under your covers and read a book

watch a movie

or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in

the adults went out to dinner

and the kids got pizza and rented a movie

all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them

that is their chirstmas eve tradition

they went to mass,

we rested at the hotel

until we all met back at their home

dinner was lasagna

molly's famous meat lasagna

that she only makes at christmas

but she made her regular veggie one too

for bethany

sourdough bread

salad and christmas cookies

the next morning

we got over there early

opened our christmas gift

we all got stockings

even Jeff and I were

given something small

in my brother's athletic socks

because we didn't have official santa stockings

we gave all of them small gifts

(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes

and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage

that my brother now makes

it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition

of going to the movies

they always do it too

we split up

one of my nephews and I went to see

"the girl with the dragon tatoo"

Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's

everyone else saw "Hugo"

then we went back to their house

for a crab fest christmas dinner

Monday

all the girls (minus karen)

went shopping

and the boys plus karen

were going to go do nature things

but the boys didn't really want to go

so they went to a real

record store

and hung out

that night we went to Jake's seafood

it is an old staple

like Joe's stone crab in miami

and every single thing we ate was delicious

seriously

Yesterday

we went to a famous portland Deli

went to powell's books

a multi level bookstore

that is the biggest in north america

if not all of the americas

where all the kids

got to pick out their hanukkah gifts

from my brother's family

then we went to a matinee

performance of

The Santa Land Diaries

the David Sedaris story

it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house

for our hanukkah exchange

brisket & latkes

and lighting of the candles

for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)

Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere

but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye

and i don't think there were any regrets

like I said

they exceeded my expectations!

it ended up being fabulous

and very memorable!

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
but
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
but
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there
listen

i want to fix it
but
i can't
and
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Selfish Birthdays

this year
i didn't feel like celebrating my birthday
too much has happened
some friends lost a daughter
my daughters lost a friend
another daughter
isn't here
she is in college
she is alive
but
not with me

when i told my daughters
at home
that i just wanted to go
to a movie
alone
they thought
that was depressing

so i called another friend
to meet for lunch
on my birthday

so i went to class
my Mindfulness class
where i focused
on me
that doesn't happen often
then I met my friend
for lunch
and it was sweet

then
i went to a movie
alone
with a diet coke
popcorn
and junior mints
it was a perfect afternoon

i focused on myself
i don't do that often enough
i tried not to answer
any emails
or texts
or phone messages
unless
i wanted to

again
that doesn't happen often
i do so many things
for so many
other people
some days
it is okay
to be selfish

i just need to remember that

Crying

i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

sometimes
i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
but
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

often
i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
but
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
and
again
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
and
sometimes
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it