Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas in Portland

On the plane home
I got to write this ditty
it is 
pretty cool
this new technology
so I could write about my trip before I get home

first of all-
karen didn't punch anyone in the face
the only person she fought with was bethany and that can happen anywhere
my brother, sister in law, and the 3 boys were all wonderful
they all exceeded my expectations

the one person who disappointed me?
yep, the one person who i should be able to trust
was the one who let me down
it sucked
and it all started at the dfw airport
before we were on the flight

it was awful
it was horrible
he didn't support me over something with Bethany
so  Bethany was screaming at me
and he was just trying to get me to shut up
not Bethany
and it was
over something incredibly stupid
that I just needed to say to Bethany
but she kept interupting me
and wouldn't let me talk
or finish
or whatever
it seemed that everyone
got involved then
along with Bethany
against me

so guess what?
TSA had to come talk to me
watching me
almost didn't let me on the plane
at that point
I didn't care
i wanted the situation resolved
before boarding

since Jeff reprimanded me
in front of the TSA employee
instead of
supporting me
after telling her
that everything would be fine
it was not resolved
and I was
followed onto the plane

then I sat down
and cried
pretty continuously
the whole 4 hour plane ride
it was lovely

i was next to karen
she was wonderful
and took care of me
nor lucy
nor bethany
even spoke to me

i can't even begin to describe
the horrible feelings I was having

we arrived in Portland
my mother was wonderful to me
and my kids
my father was great to me
and my kids
my brother
shocked the shit
out of me with his openess
hospitality to me, my husband
and all of my children
even karen chose to go in his car
a few times
she relaxed
which made me feel better
my sister in law
made sure that  Bethany  got vegetarian meals
and that Lucy didn't feel left out
she took them shopping
which she really enjoyed since she only has boys
and nephews on her family's side

it was also a sad time for her
it was the 10th anniversary of her mother's death
so we spoke of her often

things with me and jeff
got better
but it did such for a few days
especially when he didn't realize
how he had treated me
and didn't see
how awful and alone I felt

there were other stupid things he did while
we were there......
for instance
when karen was worried
since we weren't all giddy that
we would get divorced
he told her he didn't know
nor did he tell me that I should talk to her
just what karen needed
something else to be anxious about

when jeff and i talked
about how important it was
for all 5 of us to talk about
the "airport incident" and
me "almost getting us all kicked off the plane"
He told the girls
that *I* wanted to get us all together
so when I saw down
it was me against them
such a lovely feeling (not)
it's over
and I may still be a little pissed
i know
i need to let it go

about Portland
we were lucky,
we got sun our first full day there
seriously lucky
then the next couple of days
it was cloudy and grey
but then yesterday
and today
it was raining
grey skies
raining, pitter patter rain
not thunderstorm rain
the kind that makes you sleepy
get under your covers and read a book
watch a movie
or take a nap drowsy

i could never live there

the night we got in
the adults went out to dinner
and the kids got pizza and rented a movie
all seemed good

so our first full day, we went roller skating with them
that is their chirstmas eve tradition
they went to mass,
we rested at the hotel
until we all met back at their home
dinner was lasagna
molly's famous meat lasagna
that she only makes at christmas
but she made her regular veggie one too
for bethany
sourdough bread
salad and christmas cookies

the next morning
we got over there early
opened our christmas gift
we all got stockings
even Jeff and I were
given something small
in my brother's athletic socks
because we didn't have official santa stockings
we gave all of them small gifts
(we saved our big ones for hanukkah)

then we had blueberry pancakes
and molly's grandfather's famous homemade sausage
that my brother now makes
it was pretty cool

we still had the jewish christmas tradition
of going to the movies
they always do it too
we split up
one of my nephews and I went to see
"the girl with the dragon tatoo"
Bethany & Lecy saw "new year's
everyone else saw "Hugo"
then we went back to their house
for a crab fest christmas dinner

all the girls (minus karen)
went shopping
and the boys plus karen
were going to go do nature things
but the boys didn't really want to go
so they went to a real
record store
and hung out
that night we went to Jake's seafood
it is an old staple
like Joe's stone crab in miami
and every single thing we ate was delicious

we went to a famous portland Deli
went to powell's books
a multi level bookstore
that is the biggest in north america
if not all of the americas
where all the kids
got to pick out their hanukkah gifts
from my brother's family
then we went to a matinee
performance of
The Santa Land Diaries
the David Sedaris story
it was hilarious, of course

we went back to their house
for our hanukkah exchange
brisket & latkes
and lighting of the candles
for the last night

(we think we lit the first night there and the last 2, at least it was something)
Bethany and karen got in a huge fight, which could happen anywhere
but they made up before we left

we all said goodbye
and i don't think there were any regrets
like I said
they exceeded my expectations!
it ended up being fabulous
and very memorable!

Friday, December 16, 2011

my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
in a different city
in a different state
without me
or my husband

we were on the phone
multiple times daily
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
understand her
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
it makes it all worth it

when things were bad
really bad
i never
a day like today
would ever come

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there

i want to fix it
i can't
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Friday, December 9, 2011

Selfish Birthdays

this year
i didn't feel like celebrating my birthday
too much has happened
some friends lost a daughter
my daughters lost a friend
another daughter
isn't here
she is in college
she is alive
not with me

when i told my daughters
at home
that i just wanted to go
to a movie
they thought
that was depressing

so i called another friend
to meet for lunch
on my birthday

so i went to class
my Mindfulness class
where i focused
on me
that doesn't happen often
then I met my friend
for lunch
and it was sweet

i went to a movie
with a diet coke
and junior mints
it was a perfect afternoon

i focused on myself
i don't do that often enough
i tried not to answer
any emails
or texts
or phone messages
i wanted to

that doesn't happen often
i do so many things
for so many
other people
some days
it is okay
to be selfish

i just need to remember that

Friday, December 2, 2011


i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it