always making plans...and resolutions

new years
always the time for resolutions
lose weight
be kinder
eat healthier
work out more
yuck
yuck
i just want to be happy
is that too much to ask?

keep kindness going

26 acts of kindness just wasn't enough
i decided to start a facebook page
and a twitter feed
promoting kindness

i really enjoyed doing random acts of kindness
especially for people
i never knew
just knowing that i could possibly
make someone happy
gave me goosebumps

facebook page is
https://www.facebook.com/KeepKindnessGoing/info

twitter page is
https://twitter.com/KeepKindness

26 acts of kindness

earlier this month
there was a horrible shooting
at an elementary school
in Connecticut

a mentally unstable young adult
went to his neighborhood school
where his mother would substitute teach
he was angry
and jealous
and had a gun
he felt his mom loved these other children more than
she loved him
he was sick
he had already shot his mother
at the school he killed 26 people
children
teachers
and administration
before taking his own life

awful
scary
suffering

the young man needed help
a gun was not the answer
killing is never the answer

a lot of people argue about gun control
but i believe
that is not the issue
it is the mental health services in our country
the lack of services
the lack of understanding
the stigma

a few days later
Ann Curry on national news
suggested doing 26 acts of kindness
to try to combat these
26 horrible deaths

i was in
i joined the program
i made up little notes
i printed them
and left them with presents
all over the city

randomly
without my name
because it didn't matter
i didn't do it to get noticed
but to remind people to think
to know that kindness doesn't cost a thing
that kindness can always be counted on

stressful holiday times

so mad at myself
really effed up some good family time

i hate when i do that
i am not seeing the big picture
i get upset about one stupid thing
and let it ruin all around me

this time is precious
we are all together for such a short time

karen is home for only 2 weeks
Bethany & Lucy have only 2 weeks off
and they only overlap one week

why do i let these little things get me down
then i hide
in my bed
because i am so embarrassed
defeating
upset with myself

mental health is not a given
we can all become unstable easily
and then beat ourselves up
when it continues to happen
and the same patterns continue

oh
i need to let it go
but it is so hard

forgiving myself is usually harder than
forgiving others

Homecoming court

my middlest
my Bethany
started her present high school
6 weeks into 10th grade

but
she was still chosen
as part of the
Homecoming Court

she was delighted
she felt so good
we definitely did the right thing
because they love her
and she loves them

she had a blast
all week
being congratulated
feeling so loved

then during the pep rally
she was either cheering
taking pictures
or being honored
as part of the homecoming court
thrilling
grandparents came in
we watched the parade
she waved and waved
to all the younger children

during halftime
we got to escort her onto the field
i am embarrassed to say
that i wanted her to win
but she didn't
she didn't care
it was like the Oscars to her
just being nominated
was the gift she liked

we just basked in the moment
the awe
the celebrity feeling
she was beaming
she was so happy

when her name was not called
she was so excited for her friend
they all were so excited for each other

it was truly a lovely memory for all of us

Fall....where did the time go

wow
i'm a bad blogger
i guess because i don't even know if anyone reads this
so i haven't written in so long

since i last wrote a post
my baby turned 15
my middle one turned 18
and my oldest turned 20
i can't say i have 3 teenage daughters anymore

so, what do i say?
my middle one is a senior in high school
she is looking at colleges
and trying to decide where she will go next year

it is not breaking my heart like the time with my oldest
i know this one is my independent child
she will be happy wherever she goes
and unlike her older sister
she wants a big school
with football and a greek system

my oldest is now a sophomore in college
things are so much better
but there are still days she needs
a push from mom or dad
days when she is not so confident
days when she is feeling the stress
and somedays
i need to remember how far she has come
all i need to do is look at when i began this blog
to feel that horrible time all over again

maybe i haven't written
because things have been so good
i started this blog
when my life was falling apart
when my oldest was struggling with mental heath
and her siblings were struggling with what was happening with our family

our family ended up growing together in more ways than i imagined
instead of falling apart
we supported one another
and held tight
we can now laugh together
joke together
eat a meal together without fighting

i am so blessed

Summer....

i never want it to end
love having the lazy days around here
sleeping in
sharing lunch
staying up late
watching tv
or movies
or just talking

i want my kids around me
i don't want them to go back to school

i hate when this happens
every year

some days
so many parents say they can't wait for school to start
but
i have always been different

i want them home
i don't like the schedules
the girls seem to get along better
when we just are
just be
just do
what we want
instead of
having to wake up
be somewhere they don't want to go
and not like it

pajamas are a great choice of clothing
at this time of the year
maybe it is nice outside
but it is always comfy inside the house
warm
and inviting
and loving

i know it has to end
but it is always hard for me

end of the school year...how did it go

new schools for 2 girls
can't believe it went by so fast

one to new college
one to new high school
both made new friends
and are very happy with the change

frustrating at times
one away from home
for the first time

but
in reality
we never thought she would get there
be able to do it
although times were tough
she did it
we did it

our family survived
and
are stronger because of it

glad that all changes have been good
everyone finally settled
and the year was good

Turning Points

there are so many
turning points in life
that
often
we don't notice them
until
they happened

3
it seems like a good number right now
3 times
i can take that
if it stays that way

right now
i can think of
3
wonderful turning points
1
my oldest
2
my middlest
3
my youngest
when they were born
3 big turning points
i knew
that they were going to be big
but
seriously
i really had no idea
how much my world would change
with each and every one

3
also
3 big turning points
and not the good ones
3 bad times
that my husband and i have shared
that our family has shared
1
when my husband's best friend
the husband of my best friend
took his life
our life shattered
we were in a daze
for weeks
months
sometimes
it still feels like yesterday
2
when we dropped off
our oldest at the residential treatment center
for her depression and anxiety
and not knowing what would happen
to her
to us
to our family
between sobs
all day naps
phone calls
conferences
weekend visits
things did get better
but the scars
are still there
and we
remember often
of the despair
during that time
3
when we lost our 17 year old friend
no words
only tears
only fears
only questions
me
my husband
my oldest
my middlest
my youngest
all of us
distraught
our lives are permanently altered
never to be the same
how can they?

a child is gone
a life not lived
a hole in our lives
and our friends' lives
we can be compassionate
we can be there for them
but
it will never be the same
never

i ran into another friend
who lost her daughter
2 1/2 years ago
she said
it doesn't get better

that turning point
when you don't see it happen
or notice it barely
but
do not
have any idea
how life will be
in the future

twists and turns
our lives do take
many twists
and turns

but
when the turn is so drastic
and can't be changed
you will permanently be
changed
altered
scarred