Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Family Vacation

How can you have a family vacation without all your family?

we tried
there is a hole in this plan
I can feel Karen missing constantly

how can we have fun-
play in the sand
swim in the ocean
without her here?

we drove for so many hours to get to the beach
my husband and I kept saying she would have hated it
she would have fought with her sisters
she would have whined
possibly screamed
possibly cried
but we miss her

it just does not seem right

how can it be a family vacation without the whole family

then the storm arrived
go figure
we try to get some change in scenery
and a tropical storm comes and
rains on our parade

but, it is not really a parade
it is not a family vacation

it is survival
we need to survive
we need to heal
we all need it

the girls
my husband
and me

but, how can we smile
and pretend everything is fine?
how do I go about sitting in the sun
being on the beach
even if it is raining
when I know she is miserable
hating her surroundings
at her residential treatment center
thinking that everyone is mean
worried about the money
that it is costing us
and the time she will have to stay

how can I do this?
I am the mother
the woman
the instinctual woman who knows best for her children

but, maybe not
maybe I am just a stupid woman who
thinks she knows best
but knows nothing

I love my children
I would do anything to keep hurt from them
I stay up late and worry all night
I make sure they have what they need for school
for camp
for vacation

I told Karen years ago when she couldn’t read well
that I would always buy her books
then she read everything in sight
she showed me
her teachers
and her tutor
she could do it
she started to love reading
reading became her escape

me
I love reading on the beach
ah a book and sound of the ocean
with a cocktail in hand
it is heaven

Karen
will read anywhere
in her bed
in class
on a plane
in a car
wherever and whenever
she became so obsessed with books
the fantasy of books
the escape
the vacation of the mind

back to this vacation
without her
how am I going to make it
without more worry about her

it is not right
she should be here
she would love this

but
it is not the right time
I need to keep remembering

she needs help
we need help
we need saving
we need healing
we need peace

we need this vacation
even if we do not have the whole family

it just does not make much sense