New School Year

this year it is right
it is good
it is what is supposed to be

all 3 girls in the first day of school picture
although
Karen started the day before
Bethany & Lucy were starting today
and
their school starts earlier
but
before we left
Karen got out of bed
came downstairs
and took a picture with her sisters
she poked her head through
their heads
so she didn't have to change
but
I didn't care
all *I* cared about
was that
it was how
it should be

Last year at this time
I was so nervous
I didn't even want to take the picture
and I swore
when Karen returned home
we would take another one
and
I never did

sometimes
I get these pangs of guilt
that I didn't do the right thing
that I should have made a big deal
about something
and didn't
and then I feel
I was wrong
about decisions
and messed up one child
while helping another
that I want to cry
but I can't
I just keep going
hoping I make better decisions next time
and try to forget some of the bad ones

but
today
I feel good
I feel that all is good
3 girls
smiling
in the picture
of the first day of school

the last first day of school
as sisters
in the same house

okay
maybe I should start crying now

girls girls girls

oh summer has been so sweet
the laughter in the house

thinking about last year at this time
and I just get chills
it is so much better
I want to cry

there are nights
we are all 5 at home
and it is so quiet
we watch a movie
we read in different rooms
but
we are together

I don't want summer to end
I am dreading school starting
I hate that my girls are getting older

okay
there are some days I don't
I don't need to scramble for babysitters any more
I can leave the house
when I feel like it
and
pretty soon
I won't even have to drive carpool in the morning
because Bethany will be driving

karen hates to drive
but
that is okay
since her school is in our backyard
and she walks there each day

Little Lucy has student council tomorrow
ugh
it is really here
just one week left

I want to sleep late a little more
I want to stay up late A LOT more

last night
the 3 girls and I were up late
laughing
my husband got up at midnight
and yelled at us
because we were so loud
but
i thought it was so fun

they were all
playing
making fun of each other
Lucy has to touch someone at all times
she and Bethany are all over each other
no boundaries
at all
Karen sat by me
letting them argue
over who had more couch

we laughed
so much
it felt so good

they would compliment each other
or make fun of each other
take pictures of one another
yell at each other
but
all in good fun

it made me so happy

anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago

Summertime

for a very brief time
Jeff and I are really enjoying the summer

ALL our girls are gone
it is a shock to our system

we have the house to ourselves
we are planning to eat dinner out every night
see movies
do whatever we want

it is hot
so
we won't eat outside

it is quiet in the house
but
we aren't really complaining

in some ways
it makes me sad
i like the noise of the girls

but
it reminds me
of why I married
my husband
we do still like each other
a lot
and that is very good

we still have fun together
he makes me laugh
I make him laugh
we enjoy each other's company

we love our daughters
we love our family
we appreciate it
we treasure it
even more
when it is away for a little while