black dresses

too many funerals
too much bad news
hate it

wore my third black dress in a week today
third funeral in a week
mother
father
grandmother
but
never ready to go
we are never ready to say goodbye

some funerals are so good
the stories told
the memories shared
makes me smile
but
i still always think
of the families
and the holes in their hearts
the new times
that their loved ones won't be there
and
i always wonder about my family in that way

i know
i am lucky
my husband
and i
both still have our parents
healthy
and happy
parents
so
our kids
still have all their grandparents
we are very lucky

they were lucky
to have had a wonderful relationship
with their great grandmother
and great she was
she loved them so much
she always just wanted to be
with them
they will remember her always
the youngest was 11 when she died
so they have many many dear
sweet memories

i go to funerals
to honor these individuals
and to honor these families
i go to hear the tales
the history
their lovely stories
that make you cry and laugh
sometimes

i hope to teach my children
the value in life
by learning how to
remember the lost loved ones

i tell them not to fear
talking to someone
who just lost a loving
family member
always say
that you are sorry
for their loss
be there for them
if they need to talk
just listen
it is always good

my closet has too many black clothes
but they can be for good
and comfort when needed
helping the bereaved is a good deed
a mitzvah if you must
and one that never needs to be repaid

always have clothes
that you can wear to a funeral
always be prepared to help a friend
you will never be sorry

coffees and luncheons

what a busy and
wonderful week

first
a coffee
at my house
yes
i hosted an event
i hate that
hate cleaning up
for people i don't know
and then
feel like
everyone is judging
and looking around
but
i did it
for an organization
called
The Elissa Project
an organization
to raise awareness
of
eating disorders
so important
so real
so needed
for a family of girls
it went great
lots of people here
and got compliments
on the house

the next day
a luncheon
i bought a whole table
i never do that
alone
but
it was so important to me
for the
Beacon of Hope Luncheon
out on by the
W-here women
my support group moms
of the
Grant Halliburton Foundation
my favorite organization now
it is one
to raise awareness
of teenage and young adult
mental health

so important
so personal
such a strong message
that is needed
for my family
and my friends

gosh
the speaker was powerful
the room was filled
and quiet
while listening
and hearing
the message

get out
don't whisper
talk about mental illness
ask questions
watch kids
meet the neighbors
talk to them
listen to them
watch for signs
don't stay quiet
open up
be honest
get help
push help
ask for advice
listen
look
see with wide open eyes

powerful messages
heard by everyone
not sugar coated
real
honest messages
that made moms think
dads think
grandmothers quiet
and reflective

i was worried it was too much
but
i shouldn't have
it needed to be said
it needed to be heard
it was great to have it out there
and hopefully
they listened
and will react
and we will not have to hide out
any longer

we don't need to hide
or be embarrassed
we need to be truthful
and help others
so our children
will not be ashamed

old friends

nothing like seeing
old friends
nothing like remembering
stories of our youth

it feels so good
to be with someone
who knows you
so well
that you don't have to talk
or remind
or pretend

you can start talking
and start listening
like the years between you
just melt away

good friends
old friends
ones you can count on
ones that really know you
understand you
don't need explanations

sometimes
they can see the problems
because they know what inside
sometimes
they can judge
because you can trust them
and
sometimes
they know what is best
just because
they know you

always good to have a reminder
of
where you have been
to know
where you will be going
and
who
you can count on

finally speaking

days
weeks
and in reality
months
it takes so long
to actually talk on the phone
sometimes
i wonder
if it is worth it

all the confusion
all the disappointment
all the sadness
should it go away now
don't think it can be that easy

emails
conversations with other people
friends
family members

the judging
the accusations
the threats
the misunderstandings

i am not sure
how to feel at this moment

still
not sure
i should feel relieved
but i don't
i should feel understood
but i don't
i should feel like a weight is off my shoulders
but i don't

i don't think it will ever be the way i want
i don't think there will ever be a clear understanding
of each other

no
not really

i can pretend
because i don't think he gets it
and i now
don't think he ever will

limited perspectives
and wants to stay that way
i know i am not perfect
i don't pretend to be
i try all types of ways
to parent
and have made many mistakes along the way
but
i admit it
don't see that happening
over there

different sections of the country
maybe
different personalties
maybe
different families
well
no
not really
now
but wasn't before

i can't understand his
and
he can't understand mine

i guess that makes it hard
but i try to understand
but
then sometimes
i just get madder
because it doesn't make sense
to me
so
i guess
i don't make sense to him

but we spoke
i said
what i needed to say
and
he accepted it
tried to see how i felt
but still not sure
i can't see how
he has friends who thinks they are perfect
that can't be real
someone is lying
because
honestly
nobody is perfect
and if they believe that
they are lying

but we spoke
he heard what i had to say
and i heard an apology
of sorts
and that has to be enough
has to be
because that is all
i will ever get

new beginning to the year...

finally i did what needed to be done
it had gone on long enough
and i tried so many ways to figure out how to say how hurt i was
i know it was not enough
but i had to do something
so
i sent this email

dear brother,

I have been thinking a lot about how to respond.  I have been putting it off, because I thought I knew what I wanted to do, I still couldn’t figure out how to do it.  I wanted to talk to you also, but I was too scared because I was so emotional at the time. But, now, it has been 2 weeks and I am still at a crossroads.

I thought maybe it would be best for me to write down all I wanted to share and then send it to you.  So I tried that, but it was 6 pages long.  It brought up a lot about the past since you started mentioning it here in your explanation. But, it was pretty harsh, so it made more sense not to send it. When I reread it, there really is one theme that stands out over & over again. We are different people who see things and remember in our own way.

 I had looked over emails from this year and last, and knew that we both loved each other and wanted a relationship, but it was pretty obvious we didn’t know how to do it.  

Here in this email where you wrote “I honestly am still hurting from last year, and I thought I had gotten over it.  I know in your eyes we didn't put Lucy's bat mitzvah as a high enough priority, but in our eyes we did what we could.  We were truly sorry for not being able to make it, and, if the weather hadn't interfered, we would have been able to join all of you in your celebration.  So, when I mentioned the "lashing out", that is what I felt happened last year when we talked on the phone.  You said that our actions, and inactions, showed that we didn't care about you and your family.  We didn't feel that was the case, but then I read your actions (and inactions) recently in the same way.” feels that if I understand this correctly, you are still hurt from that time last summer and all you recall is me being angry at you about Lucy’s bat mitzvah, but that is not how I remember it.

I remember the police having to come take Karen to a temporary crisis center because she was pounding on me, Jeff and Bethany.  Because she had taken a knife and turned it towards her stomach threatening to kill herself, we had to call 911.  She was angry, screaming and cussing and we could not control her or get her to calm down. When she arrived, Karen was strip searched and her shoes removed until she could prove she was not a danger to herself or others.  I remember that on Jeff’s birthday we had to drive down to Georgetown and admit Karen to a mental facility. I remember that it was so hard on us; Bethany wouldn't even talk about Karen during this time. Bethany and Lucy were constantly being taken to friends’ houses to stay because we had to leave so often. I remember how hard it was for me just to get out of bed during those days. I couldn’t handle the fact that Karen’s school was behind our house, every day I would drive a different way out of my neighborhood so I didn’t have to pass it and see her teachers or friends. I was having my own depths of depression and anxiety and I couldn’t’ sleep without taking medication. I didn’t even want to take pictures of the first day of school because there were only 2 girls instead of 3. Twice every week Joe or I would be at the residential treatment center, sometimes together, sometimes alone, so we never had one full weekend at home together in over 2 months. Bethany and Lucy were never sure what they would find when they got home from school, maybe dinner made, maybe not, maybe one of us home, maybe one of us on the phone with a doctor, maybe me in bed crying or sleeping because I couldn’t deal with the reality of Karen being taken away.

I just remember that at that time, Karen been in her treatment center for about 7 weeks; she had already been out of our house for 8 (since she was in that short term mental hospital first). 

Even though we hadn’t heard from you all during this time, I wanted to call to share that we thought Karen would be coming home in a week. I was excited that our family would be back together again. I remember that even though I was so anxious, scared and nervous, I thought you might be able to share in this joy with me. I remember you saying that was great (or something like that) but then you chose that time to inform me that your family couldn’t leave on Friday for the weekend of Lucy’s bat mitzvah, so you all wouldn’t be coming in until Saturday evening for the party. I couldn’t believe your insensitivity towards me or my family and that you picked that time to share that devastating news. I just remember being shocked, surprised and speechless at that moment.  I remember I was driving and I was just dumbfounded. It was not the celebratory phone call I was expecting; it was a kick in the stomach instead.

So, yes, I remember I called you that weekend. I also remember that I was not the only person who raised my voice. You both yelled at me that I had the gall to tell you to just approach your administration and ask for the day off.

That next week, I sent an email to you, your wife, our Mom and Dad apologizing for being out of control, and reminding everyone that our daughter was in a mental institution and all I needed was unconditional love and support.  Because at that time I remember that I thought I would get encouragement and support from my family of origin when I needed it the most, but I wasn't.   Your response at that time was that you were sorry you all didn't communicate as “I would have liked you to” but I was in the wrong and a bully and you would never want to speak about it again. I was never allowed to defend myself at all, nor did it seem there was ever an understanding of what my little family of 5 was going through. I remember emailing you about the unfairness of that attack, and you responded by saying “I think that we all have a basic understanding of each other's point of view, and I really don't think any further discussion will create any sort of enlightenment” so you didn't want any type of response from me, either by email or phone, because the matter was all in the past. You wanted to say your feelings, but didn't care about mine in any way.

So you were hurting and I was hurting, but I never felt we had a basic understanding of each other’s point of view.

Yes, we have some similarities; we both feel the stress of parenting children. But I think that until you realize the severity of mine and Jeff’s situation and how this traumatic episode impacted my life and my family’s lives, then we won’t be able to understand each other’s views.

I am willing to answer any questions you may have and would equally welcome anything you are willing to share that would give me a greater perspective of you and your family. I would still like to try to have a phone conversation so we can try to move forward, if you are still willing. I really would like to do that; however, before we could begin I felt I needed to let you know some of what I am feeling right now.

You, your wife and your boys are all so important to me and my family; I want to share in the joys and disappointments in your lives. I treasure all the times we have gotten to spend with our nephews (and cousins) and would hate to see all that go away. I know all of this healing will take time, I hope you are willing to go along this journey with me.