Saturday, March 26, 2011

job is about to end

my job is ending
i don't want it to
but
i don't have a choice

since feb 13, 1992
i have had one job
maybe other jobs at the same time
but one job
that became my career
mom
mother
nurturer

and
i am good at it
i really am
not all women
are meant to be mothers
and not all mothers
are meant to enjoy it
but
i do
i did
i have
all the time

i volunteered at their schools
their camps
their summer programs
their field trips
their bake sales
any opportunities

in face
all my outside
volunteer work
was still geared around them
all 3 of them
soccer moms
religious school snack moms
room moms
network moms
gala chair
social chairs

preschool
summer camp
school
i wanted to be there
watching them
enjoying them

snow days?
bring them on
i want them home with me
i love them
i love watching them
i love being with them

driving carpools
except not too early
watching soccer games
except when it is too cold
basketball games
softball games
field hockey games
track meets
gymnastic meets
theater camps
school plays
talent shows
band performances
tennis matches
volleyball games
t-ball games
soccer games
dance recitals
cheerleading performances
end of camp recitals
art shows
choir performances
musicals
dance performances

pictures
videos
cuts
bruises
broken bones
teeth pulled
braces
haircuts
pediatricians
scoliosis specialists
dermatologists
orthopedics
therapists
cardiologists
plastic surgeon
(hate that man, he slapped my baby)
orthopedists
(bethany had 5 broken bones in 18 months)


for 19 years
this has been my primary job
my most important one
and my payment
has been 3 beautiful
smart
lovely
charming
dependable
brilliant
lovely
gorgeous
articulate
young ladies

i couldn't ask for anything more
from them

they are all i ever wanted
i just don't want my job to be over

it is good
it is fabulous
my first child is going to leave the next
i can be happy for her
and
sad for me
at the same time

i can be so proud of her
and all that she has accomplished
but
feel an emptiness
inside myself
that will never go away

i can be thrilled for her new experiences
i can be grateful that she has matured enough to make this change
i can be overcome with emotion that she has made it to this milestone

but
feel that my title is being taken away
that my job is coming to an end
that i can see that it will slowly be fading
and i don't have to like that part

this is how I define myself
a mother
of 3 girls
not little girls anymore
3 teenagers
the best and brightest
the greatest kids in the world

the people I want to spend time with
the lights of my life

i don't like change
i want things to stay the same
i know when i have felt like this before

always during good changes
and i feel guilty
these big milestones
yes
things get better
but they have to get worse first...