Camp

camp is real life
the rest is commentary

i know
many people think camp is not real life
but
i would much rather live there
than at home

i spent so much time
at camp this summer
working during the first session
in the infirmary
as a nursing assistant
watching my kids
from a far
playing with my friends
at night
when the kids went to sleep

it was the camp's
35th reunion
it was a blast
saw old friends
new friends
old campers
old faces
so many memories
in so many buildings

in so many ways
the place stays the same
just the faces change
it is beautiful
and
going back to camp
reminds me of being young
and when I am there
with my best friend
we act like we are teenagers

we hang around
the staff members
who could probably be
our kids
if push came to shove

but
thank goodness they are not
the camp director
has been there forever
and we
sometimes act like teenagers
in his presence
it is so funny

but
a camp experience
is another one of those things
that can't be explained
you just have to be there
again and again

Grasshoppers causing car accidents

i was so sad
i didn't want to leave
but
the session was over

time to leave camp
at least not for too long this time
just for a couple of days

we were
as usual
one of the last to leave

we went to Bethany's
camp area
put some of her things
in my car
but
she was coming back
for another session
when
I wasn't allowed to be there

then we went to Lucy's cabin
Bethany ran to tell her last friend goodbye
Lucy's stuff was everywhere
ugh
that frustrated me
why can't she get her stuff
together
for once

we got it
all in my car
she was mad at me
so she sat in the back on the car
thank goodness
I realized later

driving through camp
no seat belts
at about 8 miles an hour
I had the windows down
a grasshopper hopped into my car
colorful that he was
I laughed at it
and tried to swat it away
i was so focused on the
grasshopper
that I didn't pay attention
and the next thing I knew
CRASH
was the sound I heard
Lucy was screaming
crying
I was hurting
but I ran to her
she thought she was bleeding
I had hit a utility pole
while playing
with the grasshopper
I forgot the first rule of driving
keep your eyes on the road

my car was a mess
Lucy was a mess
i was driving back to the infirmary
where I slept
where I stayed
where I worked
many nurses were there
they turned off the lights
checked Lucy out
called the camp director
he came running
checked us out
then went to check the pole
"the pole is stronger than alyson's car"
was the quote
thank goodness
I thought

I started to drive
Jeff got upset
he wanted someone to follow me
and to get Lucy to the doctor

it ended up being so much easier than I thought
a friend from camp
followed me
on the access road
I couldn't get on the highway
my car was making funny noises
my best friend met up with me on the way
she took Lucy to the urgent care
my friend followed me
to the body shop
that my insurance told me
to go to
she brought me and Bethany
to the urgent care
BFF and Bethany drove home
Lucy and I saw the doctor
all was good
Enterprise picked us up
just like in the commercials
and we got the new car
filled it up
with all our stuff
then drove
the 2 hours home

i said it was camp karma
camp didn't want me to leave
but
neither did I

how do you know?

when a blog is finished
or when a blog is right
or when a post will make someone cringe
or cry

i always had this idea about starting a blog
i don't know why
i have never really been a writer
and i hate hate hate to journal

i made my website
but it sat still and blank for so long

then that awful
horrible
terrible
situation happened with my oldest
my baby
that tore our family apart

then
i got the urge
i felt i needed to write down my feelings
and i don't even know if anyone reads this thing
but
does it matter
am i doing for myself
or for other people

do i want other parents to know
how we struggle
how often
families who might look good on the outside
are sick on the inside

that was our family's struggle
with the whole mental illness issue

karen looks good
she gets good grades
she doesn't drink or party
she is calm in the outside world
but
at home
she fell apart
and sometimes still does
but nobody sees that

so we looked like
a perfect family
3 beautiful girls
2 lovely parents
who all care about each other
but
then nobody knows
what goes on behind closed doors

crying myself to sleep
some nights
worried i was doing something wrong
that i was a horrible mother
that i was a bad wife
that i was ignoring my friends
because i couldn't answer the phone
or return emails
just because
i didn't have the energy

how do i know
that i did the right thing
that i started this blog
to write about real life
but
i ended up writing about our family's problems
how do i know
if that was what i was supposed to do

should i share this
with my friends and family
what if i upset someone
with something i said
what if i upset my children
even though i used fake names

how and i supposed to know
if i did the right thing

school is OUT

i never thought this day would come
this school year is over

it has been hell
pure hell
since day one of this year

school starting
and only 2 girls for the first day picture
that just killed me

karen being gone for the first 6 weeks of school
just made me sick

lucy being accused of cheating
and then being bullied
by the teachers
and the administration
just about
threw me over the edge

and that was only in the first 2 months
i thought it would get better
but it didn't

the year just never really caught up
lucy was an emotional mess
all year long
she had lost trust in those teachers
and the administration
her grade was being told
that they were the worst
boys were kicked out
because of cyber bullying
girls were talking about it
all the time
the teachers never gave them a break
lucy never felt good about herself
that knocked me down too
how could this great kid
who usually loved life
and everyone in it
get the wind knocked out of her so much

karen felt better
but there was this underlying feeling
that her bad moods would return
she felt it
i felt it
her sisters felt it
and her dad
we have been on edge all year
walking on eggs

bethany just wasn't herself
high school was difficult
adding to it that
her big sister had all these problems
and her little sister
wanted to be her own person
and all her friends
well
they wanted to party
and she didn't
she wasn't sure where she fit in
she wanted to have friends
but
she made VERY GOOD decisions
so Jeff and I stayed home often with her
on weekend nights
when her other sisters
were both out somewhere
but
we didn't care
we told her how smart she was
and how much we could believe in her

but
whatever
it was a horrible year
and I am SO GLAD
it is over

let the summer begin!

scared

it has been months since I have been this scared
seeing my baby out of control
where does this come from
why does it happen
what causes this

things have been so good lately
but
things have also been harder
made her think
made her realize
that she is growing up
she hates that
she does not want to
she is looking at colleges
but we are not forcing her out

i think maybe we shouldn't talk about it anymore
she was out of control tonight
and i got scared
she got scared
we both cried
i got angry
she got angry
she called me names
she hasn't done that in so long

but
she didn't get physical
but
why
why
why
did it happen again

she doesn't deserve this
I know I don't deserve this

maybe that is why
we were feeling so good about everything
that we forgot this feeling
I don't like it
I know she doesn't like it
her fears creep back up when it happens
the family doesn't like it
they go into hiding

we can't live like that every again
no
we won't
it scares us all

Spring Break

it was so nice
at last
to have a family vacation
our family of 5
alone
to spend time together

yes
the plane flight is always a pain
the girls might push
pull
whine
scream
but
I love it
I don't get tired of it
it is all so
"normal" now

you would never believe it, really

who could have guessed
who could have thought this to be
who would have ever begun to believe

the snow
we thought that was enough
then the power outage
the canceled flights
the family that never made it in
the friends who couldn't get in town

my niece who took planes, trains and automobiles to get in
wasn't that enough?

no
it could not end there

NBA all star game
so stars
and fans
from all over
flooded the city
and
not just anywhere
but the mall
the Galleria mall
where
all our guests were staying
where we were staying
where the evening party was being held

after Lucy's wonderful service
we ran home real fast
thank goodness our power was back
we changed into casual clothes
and rested
then drove back to the hotel

there were lines to get in
what is going on
we wondered
but didn't really care

Lucy and Bethany
and their friends
wanted to go in the mall
sure I thought
give me some alone time
I could use it

that is how I found out
the mall was jam packed
full of people
star sightings
player sightings
friends texting friends
or through twitter
who knows
but
it was crazy

We started to get ready
the woman doing our hair called
she was stuck in traffic
the photographer called
she was stuck in the mess too
she ended up
parking at Target
and walking to the mall
it was that bad

My husband was angry
very angry
I tried to be patient
like I usually do
I tried to stay away from him
usually the best idea

we ended up having friends being turned away
from the hotel
kids being dropped off
all around the mall
and running to the opening
to the hotel
to get to the party

we actually had a party crasher too
I saw her
made me feel like the Obama's

vendors were late
vendors messed up
don't get me started on the
picture t-shirts
Lucy was so upset about that part

but
other than than
she was happy
most of her friends were there
I kept asking her

some of our guests
just never made it
some of our older relatives
just couldn't wait that long

some relatives and friends
went drinking or eating
elsewhere
and joined us later

thank goodness
Lucy was happy
my husband ended the evening happy
after yelling at as many people
as he could

and I was crying throughout
the picture montage
watching all my babies
grow up
and remembering
how much we have been through
all over again

As long as Lucy was happy
that was all that mattered to me

My baby did it

she was shining
she was beautiful
she beamed

I beamed
her daddy beamed
the entire congregation was all smiles

my baby
became a jewish woman this morning

she read from the torah
she chanted her blessings
she giggled
she smiled
she sang
she stood tall

she was perfect
she was lovely
she was amazing

I was crying
I was so happy
that I couldn't believe it was happening

our family was there
well
enough of them were there
the ones who wanted to be
the ones who cared
the ones who
took planes
trains and
automobiles
to get here

we were there
well
of course
but
our power went out on thursday
we moved into the hotel
into my brothers's family's room
since they ended up not coming

thank goodness
our power came on
last last night
because I needed to get home
to print out my speech
that I had worked on for so long
but had never printed

I thought I could do it that day
not thinking
there would be snow
power outages
and trees falling
all over the city

our good friends were there
many of them
smiling at all of us
on the bima
as a family
again

and we were all happy
and
that is what mattered

NO WAY SNOW

it is thursday
the weekend is fast approaching
but so is the weather

today
snow came down
hard
it got worse at the day went on
not better

this morning
I was all excited
saying how pretty the white is
all over the grass
and the streets
but
everyone thought it would stop
eventually
not get worse
everything is canceled
school was canceled early
flights are canceled
my niece is trying to get her way from Boston
back to dallas
her plane was canceled this morning
she is somehow getting to new york
flying to austin
then getting a ride here
from our friends

friends from Utah
had their plane cancel too
my brother and his family
their plane for tomorrow
has already been canceled
and my mom is trying to find them a new flight

silly NBA
their all star game is here in dallas too
not helping matters

Snow is beautiful
I still believe that
but
not when snow
ruins months of planning
and
makes a little 13 year old girl
and her family
unhappy