a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
reflected
and made promises
yet
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
but
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
when
hopefully
thoughtfully
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
but
mostly
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
and
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

today
i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
because
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
but
i won't dwell on them
no
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
beautiful
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
because
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate

16 years ago today

since last year
I noticed that the middlest
found out she needed her big sister
and today
she turned 16
I thought I needed to revisit this area again

wow
what a difference a year has made
there have been rough times
for sure
good times
sad times
scary times

but
overall
the 2 oldest sisters
have gotten along
so much better
sometimes I am not sure I am in the right house

every day
it is getting better and better
they are relating to one another
laughing
even joking
and being sarcastic
without any tears
or fears that
something is not a joke

last week
I heard the girls talking late in the night
it was a school night
I was on the couch
reading
I put down my book
I couldn't hear what they were saying
but
they were talking
laughing
and enjoying each other's company
I closed my book
said a prayer
and tears came to my eyes

I never would have pictured this
would happen so soon
I never thought it could
be this good

the fact that they openly
tell each other
that they love one another
is a gift
and it just keeps giving
every day

New School Year

this year it is right
it is good
it is what is supposed to be

all 3 girls in the first day of school picture
although
Karen started the day before
Bethany & Lucy were starting today
and
their school starts earlier
but
before we left
Karen got out of bed
came downstairs
and took a picture with her sisters
she poked her head through
their heads
so she didn't have to change
but
I didn't care
all *I* cared about
was that
it was how
it should be

Last year at this time
I was so nervous
I didn't even want to take the picture
and I swore
when Karen returned home
we would take another one
and
I never did

sometimes
I get these pangs of guilt
that I didn't do the right thing
that I should have made a big deal
about something
and didn't
and then I feel
I was wrong
about decisions
and messed up one child
while helping another
that I want to cry
but I can't
I just keep going
hoping I make better decisions next time
and try to forget some of the bad ones

but
today
I feel good
I feel that all is good
3 girls
smiling
in the picture
of the first day of school

the last first day of school
as sisters
in the same house

okay
maybe I should start crying now

girls girls girls

oh summer has been so sweet
the laughter in the house

thinking about last year at this time
and I just get chills
it is so much better
I want to cry

there are nights
we are all 5 at home
and it is so quiet
we watch a movie
we read in different rooms
but
we are together

I don't want summer to end
I am dreading school starting
I hate that my girls are getting older

okay
there are some days I don't
I don't need to scramble for babysitters any more
I can leave the house
when I feel like it
and
pretty soon
I won't even have to drive carpool in the morning
because Bethany will be driving

karen hates to drive
but
that is okay
since her school is in our backyard
and she walks there each day

Little Lucy has student council tomorrow
ugh
it is really here
just one week left

I want to sleep late a little more
I want to stay up late A LOT more

last night
the 3 girls and I were up late
laughing
my husband got up at midnight
and yelled at us
because we were so loud
but
i thought it was so fun

they were all
playing
making fun of each other
Lucy has to touch someone at all times
she and Bethany are all over each other
no boundaries
at all
Karen sat by me
letting them argue
over who had more couch

we laughed
so much
it felt so good

they would compliment each other
or make fun of each other
take pictures of one another
yell at each other
but
all in good fun

it made me so happy

anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago

Summertime

for a very brief time
Jeff and I are really enjoying the summer

ALL our girls are gone
it is a shock to our system

we have the house to ourselves
we are planning to eat dinner out every night
see movies
do whatever we want

it is hot
so
we won't eat outside

it is quiet in the house
but
we aren't really complaining

in some ways
it makes me sad
i like the noise of the girls

but
it reminds me
of why I married
my husband
we do still like each other
a lot
and that is very good

we still have fun together
he makes me laugh
I make him laugh
we enjoy each other's company

we love our daughters
we love our family
we appreciate it
we treasure it
even more
when it is away for a little while

scuba scare

Jeff and I were in the airport
about to get on an airplane
our only vacation of the summer

off to Carmel
California
here is where we disagree
I like warm ocean water
he likes cold
or he just like California
and northern California is very cold

however
we are about to leave the hot state of texas
and go to this cool cool place
when my cell phone rings
a phone number I don't know

it is Karen's counselor
from her Road Less Traveled trip
Karen got upset that day
she was not allowed to scuba
only snorkel
and she was only one of 3
I could sense it before he told me
she got antsy
she felt picked on

he said she got teary at one point
and said he could tell by her body language
that something was wrong
he wanted to know more about
her seizure disorder
he said she wanted to talk to us
was that okay?
of course

we hung up
I told Jeff the story
if you know him
you can imagine how he was acting
all antsy himself
worried our trip was already over
before it would begin
worried for himself
for us
and for her
she called us

yes
she was sad
she did feel picked on
she didn't know that she wasn't going to scuba that day
until they were already on the boat
and I know her
she was afraid she would never get to scuba
ever
on the whole trip
both of us talked to her
listened to her
told her we believed in her
knew she could do it
she just need help
learning to clear her mask
we got her calm
we both asked her
if she wanted to come home
tell us now
we said
and we won't get on our plane

but
she is stronger than she thinks
she said
she wanted to stay
because if she didn't
she would never know
and if she stayed
she would try
really hard
to succeed

i kept the counselor's cell phone number
and continued to text him throughout the weekend
telling him she could call us anytime
we would talk to her at anytime
but he kept texting me back
that all was good
she made it
and she got to scuba on sunday
we were relived

she got to call us back again
this week
and told us all about some of her trips
under water
she loved it
she enjoyed it
she was having fun
she was proud of herself
and
that made all the difference

Camp

camp is real life
the rest is commentary

i know
many people think camp is not real life
but
i would much rather live there
than at home

i spent so much time
at camp this summer
working during the first session
in the infirmary
as a nursing assistant
watching my kids
from a far
playing with my friends
at night
when the kids went to sleep

it was the camp's
35th reunion
it was a blast
saw old friends
new friends
old campers
old faces
so many memories
in so many buildings

in so many ways
the place stays the same
just the faces change
it is beautiful
and
going back to camp
reminds me of being young
and when I am there
with my best friend
we act like we are teenagers

we hang around
the staff members
who could probably be
our kids
if push came to shove

but
thank goodness they are not
the camp director
has been there forever
and we
sometimes act like teenagers
in his presence
it is so funny

but
a camp experience
is another one of those things
that can't be explained
you just have to be there
again and again

Grasshoppers causing car accidents

i was so sad
i didn't want to leave
but
the session was over

time to leave camp
at least not for too long this time
just for a couple of days

we were
as usual
one of the last to leave

we went to Bethany's
camp area
put some of her things
in my car
but
she was coming back
for another session
when
I wasn't allowed to be there

then we went to Lucy's cabin
Bethany ran to tell her last friend goodbye
Lucy's stuff was everywhere
ugh
that frustrated me
why can't she get her stuff
together
for once

we got it
all in my car
she was mad at me
so she sat in the back on the car
thank goodness
I realized later

driving through camp
no seat belts
at about 8 miles an hour
I had the windows down
a grasshopper hopped into my car
colorful that he was
I laughed at it
and tried to swat it away
i was so focused on the
grasshopper
that I didn't pay attention
and the next thing I knew
CRASH
was the sound I heard
Lucy was screaming
crying
I was hurting
but I ran to her
she thought she was bleeding
I had hit a utility pole
while playing
with the grasshopper
I forgot the first rule of driving
keep your eyes on the road

my car was a mess
Lucy was a mess
i was driving back to the infirmary
where I slept
where I stayed
where I worked
many nurses were there
they turned off the lights
checked Lucy out
called the camp director
he came running
checked us out
then went to check the pole
"the pole is stronger than alyson's car"
was the quote
thank goodness
I thought

I started to drive
Jeff got upset
he wanted someone to follow me
and to get Lucy to the doctor

it ended up being so much easier than I thought
a friend from camp
followed me
on the access road
I couldn't get on the highway
my car was making funny noises
my best friend met up with me on the way
she took Lucy to the urgent care
my friend followed me
to the body shop
that my insurance told me
to go to
she brought me and Bethany
to the urgent care
BFF and Bethany drove home
Lucy and I saw the doctor
all was good
Enterprise picked us up
just like in the commercials
and we got the new car
filled it up
with all our stuff
then drove
the 2 hours home

i said it was camp karma
camp didn't want me to leave
but
neither did I