girls girls girls

oh summer has been so sweet
the laughter in the house

thinking about last year at this time
and I just get chills
it is so much better
I want to cry

there are nights
we are all 5 at home
and it is so quiet
we watch a movie
we read in different rooms
but
we are together

I don't want summer to end
I am dreading school starting
I hate that my girls are getting older

okay
there are some days I don't
I don't need to scramble for babysitters any more
I can leave the house
when I feel like it
and
pretty soon
I won't even have to drive carpool in the morning
because Bethany will be driving

karen hates to drive
but
that is okay
since her school is in our backyard
and she walks there each day

Little Lucy has student council tomorrow
ugh
it is really here
just one week left

I want to sleep late a little more
I want to stay up late A LOT more

last night
the 3 girls and I were up late
laughing
my husband got up at midnight
and yelled at us
because we were so loud
but
i thought it was so fun

they were all
playing
making fun of each other
Lucy has to touch someone at all times
she and Bethany are all over each other
no boundaries
at all
Karen sat by me
letting them argue
over who had more couch

we laughed
so much
it felt so good

they would compliment each other
or make fun of each other
take pictures of one another
yell at each other
but
all in good fun

it made me so happy

anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago

Summertime

for a very brief time
Jeff and I are really enjoying the summer

ALL our girls are gone
it is a shock to our system

we have the house to ourselves
we are planning to eat dinner out every night
see movies
do whatever we want

it is hot
so
we won't eat outside

it is quiet in the house
but
we aren't really complaining

in some ways
it makes me sad
i like the noise of the girls

but
it reminds me
of why I married
my husband
we do still like each other
a lot
and that is very good

we still have fun together
he makes me laugh
I make him laugh
we enjoy each other's company

we love our daughters
we love our family
we appreciate it
we treasure it
even more
when it is away for a little while

scuba scare

Jeff and I were in the airport
about to get on an airplane
our only vacation of the summer

off to Carmel
California
here is where we disagree
I like warm ocean water
he likes cold
or he just like California
and northern California is very cold

however
we are about to leave the hot state of texas
and go to this cool cool place
when my cell phone rings
a phone number I don't know

it is Karen's counselor
from her Road Less Traveled trip
Karen got upset that day
she was not allowed to scuba
only snorkel
and she was only one of 3
I could sense it before he told me
she got antsy
she felt picked on

he said she got teary at one point
and said he could tell by her body language
that something was wrong
he wanted to know more about
her seizure disorder
he said she wanted to talk to us
was that okay?
of course

we hung up
I told Jeff the story
if you know him
you can imagine how he was acting
all antsy himself
worried our trip was already over
before it would begin
worried for himself
for us
and for her
she called us

yes
she was sad
she did feel picked on
she didn't know that she wasn't going to scuba that day
until they were already on the boat
and I know her
she was afraid she would never get to scuba
ever
on the whole trip
both of us talked to her
listened to her
told her we believed in her
knew she could do it
she just need help
learning to clear her mask
we got her calm
we both asked her
if she wanted to come home
tell us now
we said
and we won't get on our plane

but
she is stronger than she thinks
she said
she wanted to stay
because if she didn't
she would never know
and if she stayed
she would try
really hard
to succeed

i kept the counselor's cell phone number
and continued to text him throughout the weekend
telling him she could call us anytime
we would talk to her at anytime
but he kept texting me back
that all was good
she made it
and she got to scuba on sunday
we were relived

she got to call us back again
this week
and told us all about some of her trips
under water
she loved it
she enjoyed it
she was having fun
she was proud of herself
and
that made all the difference

Camp

camp is real life
the rest is commentary

i know
many people think camp is not real life
but
i would much rather live there
than at home

i spent so much time
at camp this summer
working during the first session
in the infirmary
as a nursing assistant
watching my kids
from a far
playing with my friends
at night
when the kids went to sleep

it was the camp's
35th reunion
it was a blast
saw old friends
new friends
old campers
old faces
so many memories
in so many buildings

in so many ways
the place stays the same
just the faces change
it is beautiful
and
going back to camp
reminds me of being young
and when I am there
with my best friend
we act like we are teenagers

we hang around
the staff members
who could probably be
our kids
if push came to shove

but
thank goodness they are not
the camp director
has been there forever
and we
sometimes act like teenagers
in his presence
it is so funny

but
a camp experience
is another one of those things
that can't be explained
you just have to be there
again and again

Grasshoppers causing car accidents

i was so sad
i didn't want to leave
but
the session was over

time to leave camp
at least not for too long this time
just for a couple of days

we were
as usual
one of the last to leave

we went to Bethany's
camp area
put some of her things
in my car
but
she was coming back
for another session
when
I wasn't allowed to be there

then we went to Lucy's cabin
Bethany ran to tell her last friend goodbye
Lucy's stuff was everywhere
ugh
that frustrated me
why can't she get her stuff
together
for once

we got it
all in my car
she was mad at me
so she sat in the back on the car
thank goodness
I realized later

driving through camp
no seat belts
at about 8 miles an hour
I had the windows down
a grasshopper hopped into my car
colorful that he was
I laughed at it
and tried to swat it away
i was so focused on the
grasshopper
that I didn't pay attention
and the next thing I knew
CRASH
was the sound I heard
Lucy was screaming
crying
I was hurting
but I ran to her
she thought she was bleeding
I had hit a utility pole
while playing
with the grasshopper
I forgot the first rule of driving
keep your eyes on the road

my car was a mess
Lucy was a mess
i was driving back to the infirmary
where I slept
where I stayed
where I worked
many nurses were there
they turned off the lights
checked Lucy out
called the camp director
he came running
checked us out
then went to check the pole
"the pole is stronger than alyson's car"
was the quote
thank goodness
I thought

I started to drive
Jeff got upset
he wanted someone to follow me
and to get Lucy to the doctor

it ended up being so much easier than I thought
a friend from camp
followed me
on the access road
I couldn't get on the highway
my car was making funny noises
my best friend met up with me on the way
she took Lucy to the urgent care
my friend followed me
to the body shop
that my insurance told me
to go to
she brought me and Bethany
to the urgent care
BFF and Bethany drove home
Lucy and I saw the doctor
all was good
Enterprise picked us up
just like in the commercials
and we got the new car
filled it up
with all our stuff
then drove
the 2 hours home

i said it was camp karma
camp didn't want me to leave
but
neither did I

how do you know?

when a blog is finished
or when a blog is right
or when a post will make someone cringe
or cry

i always had this idea about starting a blog
i don't know why
i have never really been a writer
and i hate hate hate to journal

i made my website
but it sat still and blank for so long

then that awful
horrible
terrible
situation happened with my oldest
my baby
that tore our family apart

then
i got the urge
i felt i needed to write down my feelings
and i don't even know if anyone reads this thing
but
does it matter
am i doing for myself
or for other people

do i want other parents to know
how we struggle
how often
families who might look good on the outside
are sick on the inside

that was our family's struggle
with the whole mental illness issue

karen looks good
she gets good grades
she doesn't drink or party
she is calm in the outside world
but
at home
she fell apart
and sometimes still does
but nobody sees that

so we looked like
a perfect family
3 beautiful girls
2 lovely parents
who all care about each other
but
then nobody knows
what goes on behind closed doors

crying myself to sleep
some nights
worried i was doing something wrong
that i was a horrible mother
that i was a bad wife
that i was ignoring my friends
because i couldn't answer the phone
or return emails
just because
i didn't have the energy

how do i know
that i did the right thing
that i started this blog
to write about real life
but
i ended up writing about our family's problems
how do i know
if that was what i was supposed to do

should i share this
with my friends and family
what if i upset someone
with something i said
what if i upset my children
even though i used fake names

how and i supposed to know
if i did the right thing

school is OUT

i never thought this day would come
this school year is over

it has been hell
pure hell
since day one of this year

school starting
and only 2 girls for the first day picture
that just killed me

karen being gone for the first 6 weeks of school
just made me sick

lucy being accused of cheating
and then being bullied
by the teachers
and the administration
just about
threw me over the edge

and that was only in the first 2 months
i thought it would get better
but it didn't

the year just never really caught up
lucy was an emotional mess
all year long
she had lost trust in those teachers
and the administration
her grade was being told
that they were the worst
boys were kicked out
because of cyber bullying
girls were talking about it
all the time
the teachers never gave them a break
lucy never felt good about herself
that knocked me down too
how could this great kid
who usually loved life
and everyone in it
get the wind knocked out of her so much

karen felt better
but there was this underlying feeling
that her bad moods would return
she felt it
i felt it
her sisters felt it
and her dad
we have been on edge all year
walking on eggs

bethany just wasn't herself
high school was difficult
adding to it that
her big sister had all these problems
and her little sister
wanted to be her own person
and all her friends
well
they wanted to party
and she didn't
she wasn't sure where she fit in
she wanted to have friends
but
she made VERY GOOD decisions
so Jeff and I stayed home often with her
on weekend nights
when her other sisters
were both out somewhere
but
we didn't care
we told her how smart she was
and how much we could believe in her

but
whatever
it was a horrible year
and I am SO GLAD
it is over

let the summer begin!

scared

it has been months since I have been this scared
seeing my baby out of control
where does this come from
why does it happen
what causes this

things have been so good lately
but
things have also been harder
made her think
made her realize
that she is growing up
she hates that
she does not want to
she is looking at colleges
but we are not forcing her out

i think maybe we shouldn't talk about it anymore
she was out of control tonight
and i got scared
she got scared
we both cried
i got angry
she got angry
she called me names
she hasn't done that in so long

but
she didn't get physical
but
why
why
why
did it happen again

she doesn't deserve this
I know I don't deserve this

maybe that is why
we were feeling so good about everything
that we forgot this feeling
I don't like it
I know she doesn't like it
her fears creep back up when it happens
the family doesn't like it
they go into hiding

we can't live like that every again
no
we won't
it scares us all