Wednesday, December 29, 2010

away from home


trying to be calm
that is all i want
to be calm
and in control
these few days on vacation
with my family

it has been rough lately
my husband has been supportive
my kids have been amazing
but
my family of origin
the ones i have known the longest
really
do not understand me
or my family
or our situation
and
it sure is hard

also
they don't really talk
they talk
but not about emotions
about the weather
food
other people
but not about what is inside
what makes them happy
or sad
or angry

it hurts me
how did i turn out this way?
why do i want to understand people so much?
why am I so different?

deep breaths
deep breathing
i want to talk about them
i want to talk to them
but i can't

i want someone to talk to me about them
but
i can't here
i have to smile
and pretend all is okay
even when i am screaming inside
when i am hurting
and they are saying mean things
or
saying nothing at all