Wednesday, December 22, 2010

deep breathing

keep breathing
i tell myself
just keep breathing
it has to get better

i take things to personally
i believe in the good of most people
even if it is not there

i am obsessed with this situation
and i am failing
seriously failing
seriously hurting
painful stabs in the stomach
from trying to make
my family understand the pain
i have been in for over a year
how much they hurt me
disappointed me
and now blasted me
so rudely and out of nowhere
that i can't see straight

how can anything good come of this?
i want to divorce my original family
i am so lucky to have my husband
and his family
and our daughters
i am so lucky
but
right now i can't see it

all i can see and feel
is the disappointment
and shame
from the people
i love
or loved first in my life
the ones i thought
would always be there

keep breathing
deep breathing
using my yoga breathing
and my yoga meditation
to keep my thoughts in check

using my mussar to find the meaning in this
to find the strength that will come later
but
looking for later is a like looking in a dark cave
i can't see any light
any reason for it to get better
it only feels like it is worse
much worse
and i am trying so hard
just to breathe