away from home

trying to be calm

that is all i want

to be calm

and in control

these few days on vacation

with my family

it has been rough lately

my husband has been supportive

my kids have been amazing

but

my family of origin

the ones i have known the longest

really

do not understand me

or my family

or our situation

and

it sure is hard

also

they don't really talk

they talk

but not about emotions

about the weather

food

other people

but not about what is inside

what makes them happy

or sad

or angry

it hurts me

how did i turn out this way?

why do i want to understand people so much?

why am I so different?

deep breaths

deep breathing

i want to talk about them

i want to talk to them

but i can't

i want someone to talk to me about them

but

i can't here

i have to smile

and pretend all is okay

even when i am screaming inside

when i am hurting

and they are saying mean things

or

saying nothing at all

deep breathing

keep breathing
i tell myself
just keep breathing
it has to get better

i take things to personally
i believe in the good of most people
even if it is not there

i am obsessed with this situation
and i am failing
seriously failing
seriously hurting
painful stabs in the stomach
from trying to make
my family understand the pain
i have been in for over a year
how much they hurt me
disappointed me
and now blasted me
so rudely and out of nowhere
that i can't see straight

how can anything good come of this?
i want to divorce my original family
i am so lucky to have my husband
and his family
and our daughters
i am so lucky
but
right now i can't see it

all i can see and feel
is the disappointment
and shame
from the people
i love
or loved first in my life
the ones i thought
would always be there

keep breathing
deep breathing
using my yoga breathing
and my yoga meditation
to keep my thoughts in check

using my mussar to find the meaning in this
to find the strength that will come later
but
looking for later is a like looking in a dark cave
i can't see any light
any reason for it to get better
it only feels like it is worse
much worse
and i am trying so hard
just to breathe

trusting

i trust people way too much
really
i believe people
i think everyone is honest
and
i don't think people will lie to me

but
i am so wrong
and
the people i trust the most
sometimes
end up being the ones who hurt me the most

the ones i think will be supportive of me
the ones i think will always love me
always be there for me
through thick and thin
as the old saying go

i wish i could be less trusting
but
i think everyone will be like me
they will think of other's people's feelings
but they don't
i think they will be empathetic
but they aren't
i think they will try to see things from my perspective
but they don't

is it selfish of me
or of them
to get upset that they can't see the difference
between hurting and hurt
between sorrow and sadness
between desperation and crisis

my immediate family has been through so much
we are stronger because of it
but
for those who can't understand
they will never know

related?

i don't think we can be related
i really don't

i can't understand how we can look at life so differently
how we can't even have a basic understanding
of what is important
also
how clueless
someone can be about a situation
then expect me to feel blamed about it

why would it be my fault
that they don't understand crisis
or a stay in a mental institution is not a spa
that therapy sessions are not for fun
and nobody would pick that way to spend their time

that for 2 months we traveled miles and miles
to help our child
but because they didn't understand the severity
it was because i didn't stress it enough

no
it was because it didn't affect them personally
it should have
but
it didn't
and
since they didn't see it each day
it didn't mean anything to them
and if they didn't really listen to what i was saying
then it really couldn't be happening

no
it was not my fault they didn't listen
understand
or care
we are related
they should have bent over backwards
trying to help
other people did
friends did
other family members did
just not mine
they should have been there
they should have cared
they should have been interested enough
to ask more questions
or do more research
but
they chose not to
they chose to pick on me
upset me
and then be mad at me because i was emotional
not really realizing what was happening to our family
at the time

stupid
really stupid
and selfish
and limited
i just need to remember that
and
remind myself
that just because we are related
does not mean that they really understand

great day to be born

My birthday
it was a good day
seriously

went to yoga
went to lunch with friends
went to a movie alone
saw my kids
went to dinner with my husband

it was a GREAT day
not one thing went wrong
not one person complained
well
i did
because i was too full to go to dinner

that is not bad
things can be so good
things can be so simple

but sometimes
we just forget
how the simple
wonderful things
make us so happy

today
i was happy

dreidel dreidel dreidel...

oh hanukkah
oh hanukkah
you came so early this year
I wasn't ready

seriously
dec 1st is way too early for a
holiday
especially when one throws
a huge thanksgiving celebration

for a few weeks now
my husband and I have been asking
the girls what they want
nothing
that is what they said
awww
what great girls
Bethany only wants to go to Israel this summer with camp
what a mensch
Lucy just wants to go to camp
and then play soccer with her
jcc maccabi team in Philadelphia
another little do gooder
then Karen wants to do something fun this summer
she is not sure yet
but that is all she wants
sometimes I seriously think I have the perfect kids
they know
they have all a child needs
a warm bed
clean clothes
food to eat
and people who love them

times like these I just want to melt
i think i have done a good thing

but then i think
i have to give them something
for the first night
i gave them gift of words
little hand written notes
personal and special for each child
they deserve something special
i have done a few nights like that
and plan more
other nights i have given
small token gift cards
because
seriously
they really don't need anything

we used to do community service
or a mitzvah
every year at this time
but the last couple of years
i have found
we just needed to focus on us
not the gift giving us
just the family bond of us
i still donate a wazoo of money
to many of the needy charities
i contribute to
but
my time is dedicated to them

i also think
this may be the last year of Hanukkah
togetherness
when is Hanukkah next year
will Karen be home from college
will Bethany be involved in youth group
at that time
she was actually invited to a special event
that had invitations to only future leaders
but she chose to be home
with us

what more could I ask for