my biggest comes home

she did it
she made it
she survived
and
so did i

she finished her first
semester of college
away
in a different city
in a different state
alone
without me
or my husband

well
we were on the phone
often
daily
multiple times daily
but
i didn't mind

the point is
that she did it
and feel so good about herself
she made friends
new friends
real friends
real people
who know her
who live with her
and
understand her
and
that helps her
feel so much better about herself

2 years ago
i didn't know
if she could even leave home
if she would want to
or could even do it

and she did
she did it
so well
so far away
so grown up
so mature

there were days
she questioned herself
her anxiety
her depression
her feelings
she was scared
IT
would all happen again

one day i told her
i wasn't worried
if i was
i would tell her
i was so proud of her
she made so many
great decisions
so often
she didn't realize
how strong
she had become
how mature
she had become
how much
she had grown

she is so happy now
smiles
laughter
it makes it all worth it

because
when things were bad
really bad
i never
ever
ever
thought
a day like today
would ever come

Being a friend

i just want to be there
for her
to be a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen

i want to help
but
i know
nothing can
make the pain go away

how can a pain
like losing a child
ever go away

i feel guilty
even talking about my kids
knowing that one of hers
is gone

i know she wants to
celebrate our victories
but
i know
she also
has sadness
every day

i just want to help
be there
listen

i want to fix it
but
i can't
and
for that reason
i feel so worthless

Selfish Birthdays

this year
i didn't feel like celebrating my birthday
too much has happened
some friends lost a daughter
my daughters lost a friend
another daughter
isn't here
she is in college
she is alive
but
not with me

when i told my daughters
at home
that i just wanted to go
to a movie
alone
they thought
that was depressing

so i called another friend
to meet for lunch
on my birthday

so i went to class
my Mindfulness class
where i focused
on me
that doesn't happen often
then I met my friend
for lunch
and it was sweet

then
i went to a movie
alone
with a diet coke
popcorn
and junior mints
it was a perfect afternoon

i focused on myself
i don't do that often enough
i tried not to answer
any emails
or texts
or phone messages
unless
i wanted to

again
that doesn't happen often
i do so many things
for so many
other people
some days
it is okay
to be selfish

i just need to remember that

Crying

i cry when sad
when angry
when happy
when anxious
when hurt
when depressed
when surprised

sometimes
i just cry
and don't know why

the urge overtakes me
and i try to
think of a reason
why i feel that way

am i sad?
am i angry?
am i happy?
am i anxious?
am i hurt?
am i depressed?
am i surprised?

usually it is a combination
but
i do know
i cry often
too often
i think
and it scares me

often
i feel guilty
feel overcome with emotion
and just don't know
how to express it

crying releases feelings
sometimes good ones
but
often not

i even cry
when i see others cry
and
again
i'm not even sure why

it hurts
and
sometimes
i hurt
and crying
is the only way i feel it

Thanksgiving 2011

i set the table
i cooked the turkey
the sweet potatoes
the stuffing
2 kinds even
cornbread
and
white bread
bought
then updated
mashed potatoes
brussel sprouts
green beans
and rolls
had lots of types of rolls
and pies
4 kinds
with Cool Whip
i love cool whip

everyone came over
casual as always
because
it is the spirit
just being together

after everyone
filled their plates
my beloved husband
said some words
he laughed
when he saw my paper
because
i can't speak
off the top of my head
without preparation
i need to think first

so here goes-
this is what i said

Being Thankful

I like to start this off by saying how thankful I am for everything

But I won’t feel like I have been honest if I also don’t recognize a huge loss in our life

When we lost our sweet 17 year old friend, it rocked our family to the core, she had been a part of all our lives for about 10 years-I guess you can say that we took her laughter, smile and abundant energy for granted, because she was always around.

So, instead, I will say that we are so thankful that we were lucky enough to be part of her short life, her smile always shone so bright, that we are thankful we got to experience it.  We are thankful that we can help honor her by always being kind to animals, speaking up for those that don’t speak up for themselves, by being mindful in the moment, and live  for her, because she always wanted everyone to live for those who can’t.

I am very thankful today that we have all 4 of our grandparents with us.  They are all healthy and I thank god every day for that and their constant guidance.  They are our inspirations and mentors.  We learn from you and are so thankful you are here for us and the grandchildren.  We know that our kids are so lucky to have you each and every day.  Because even though they don’t see you every day, they speak of you with kindness and awe always.

Of course, it should have been the first thing I said, but I am so thankful for my husband.  Jeff is there for me, supporting me, being strong when I am weak and keeping me centered. His support and love help guide me daily, without him I would definitely fail, You are my partner and I love you, Thank you for being you

 My children, my 3 girls---I am so thankful Karen is home with us this short week.  And I am also thankful she is growing and learning about herself as she also learns about the world while away at college.  As hard as it is for me when she goes back, I am thankful for this opportunity. 

I am so very thankful that Bethany has found her way at Hillcrest.  Last year at this time, she was still new there and meeting new people.  Now, she is a permanent fixture, she is responsible and commands respect.  She is one of the cream of the crop, as her cheerleader sponsor says, and has the consequences to prove it.

I am so thankful that Lucy has taken Hillcrest by storm.  Never one to show her anxiety, Lucy walked into school that first day barely knowing a soul, now she is rarely home or has 5 girls over here laughing and creating energy with all her new friends. She feels smart again and continues her relationships with friends from all over the city.

I am grateful for cousins, aunts and uncles who are here, you make our home special every time you visit.

I am also grateful to God, who showers us with gifts: mystery, beauty, ideas, art, music, literature, language, nature, humor, family, friends, and love. I feel I am blessed to be able to give thanks for all my uncountable blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving

Honoring others and myself

it is that time of the year
as our invitation
always states
after 10 years
of the same party
i just can't bring myself to change the
words of the invitation
because i feel
i worded it so beautifully
the first time

honoring friends
and family
by thanking them
for being a part of our life

appreciating others
i like to do that
because
i like to be appreciated

i know that not everyone
wants to same types
of appreciation
or honor
but
since that is what i like
i tend to give it out too

More Time

i keep thinking it is a dream
really a nightmare
how can a child
be gone

the days go by
the nights go by
and the mornings come
and i wonder
is it really true

too much sorrow
i wish it wasn't true

some of my other friends
ask about my friends
who lost their daughter
"how are they"
they naively ask
i almost want to answer
"how can they be"
their child is gone
they will never get to see her again
touch her again
kiss her again
"how would you be"

i know they mean well
but there are no words
there are no answers
there is not a wrong way
or a right way
to behave
to grieve
to believe

i visit her grave
that sweet plot
full of flowers
notes
arizona tea bottles
pinwheels
rocks
pumpkins
sweet reminders
of a lost life
of a sweet girl
who touched so many people

need to catch up

the oldest went to college
the middle started her junior year in high school
the youngest started high school

where did the time go
i know
i feel it
just yesterday
i was changing diapers
and washing faces

now
they are older
they are sassy
they can be independent
but they can also be dependent

transition has been difficult
for all of them
and
for me

some days the oldest calls
6 times a day
sometimes
just once a day

the middle one
needs me some days
and others
not so much

the youngest one
is gently
becoming her own person
knowing that a smile helps
but
that she doesn't need me around all the time any more

i hate it
i admit it

when my oldest and I
are together
we have so much fun
but then she leaves
or I leave her
and
i get depressed all over again

when my middle one gets angry
at me
or the world
i want to fix it for her
she is suffering
over the loss of her friend
but i can't help
nor will she let me try

my youngest is quieter
she is helpful to her friend
who lost the sister
so she takes her lead from her
in how to react
she is making new friends
and
keeping in touch with all
her old ones

some days
i just wonder what to do....

way too long

i've lost track
of how many times
i have thought about writing a post
because i just looked at my blog
for the first time in almost months

how did i get so far behind?
well
i know
i do
i just don't want to admit it

life was moving along
drama was always to be had
having 3 teenage girls in the house

then
the phone rang
on august 3rd
my mind still goes back to that day
and i doubt i will ever forget it

i could tell my friend was upset
but
i would never have known the depth

a 17 year old girl
daughter of a friend
friend of my daughter
had died
in a tragic traffic accident

i screamed
i cried
i defended
that it couldn't be
how could she be gone so fast

so much has happened
and so little
in so long

time stopped
or it stood still
it didn't seem possible
it didn't seem real

we drove to the house
my family
but
the daughter who was closest to this girl
was out of town
not far
but still gone
crying
i tried to call her
i couldn't get it
so i left messages

we got to the house
it still haunts me
the mother in tears
the father broken down
the sister silent

the sign up welcoming the daughter
back in from out of the country
she never got to see it
the phones ringing
the voices talking
the cars driving over
the crying
the screaming
the sadness enveloping the room

my middle daughter
finally called
and at that point
i didn't even know the full story
except to tell her
that her friend was gone
there was no easy way to say it
i knew i was shattering her world

my poor baby
away and crying
she had friends to console her
thank goodness
some of those girls knew the departed one

but i wanted to hug her
i wanted to console her

my oldest was distraught
i was worried
the mother was concerned
she told me to leave early
here she was
heartbroken over her loss
but knowing how much my oldest had struggled
knew it was not good
for her to be in that situation

we stayed for a bit
then she and i left
we were silent
we went home
watched tv
then went to get ice cream for dinner

the boy behind the counter
told me to get some sleep
my eyes were red
my face was white
there were no words
to describe how i felt

the next morning
when i woke up
i screamed
because i knew it was safer
to be in bed asleep
dreaming
than to be awake
into the nightmare