you would never believe it, really

who could have guessed
who could have thought this to be
who would have ever begun to believe

the snow
we thought that was enough
then the power outage
the canceled flights
the family that never made it in
the friends who couldn't get in town

my niece who took planes, trains and automobiles to get in
wasn't that enough?

no
it could not end there

NBA all star game
so stars
and fans
from all over
flooded the city
and
not just anywhere
but the mall
the Galleria mall
where
all our guests were staying
where we were staying
where the evening party was being held

after Lucy's wonderful service
we ran home real fast
thank goodness our power was back
we changed into casual clothes
and rested
then drove back to the hotel

there were lines to get in
what is going on
we wondered
but didn't really care

Lucy and Bethany
and their friends
wanted to go in the mall
sure I thought
give me some alone time
I could use it

that is how I found out
the mall was jam packed
full of people
star sightings
player sightings
friends texting friends
or through twitter
who knows
but
it was crazy

We started to get ready
the woman doing our hair called
she was stuck in traffic
the photographer called
she was stuck in the mess too
she ended up
parking at Target
and walking to the mall
it was that bad

My husband was angry
very angry
I tried to be patient
like I usually do
I tried to stay away from him
usually the best idea

we ended up having friends being turned away
from the hotel
kids being dropped off
all around the mall
and running to the opening
to the hotel
to get to the party

we actually had a party crasher too
I saw her
made me feel like the Obama's

vendors were late
vendors messed up
don't get me started on the
picture t-shirts
Lucy was so upset about that part

but
other than than
she was happy
most of her friends were there
I kept asking her

some of our guests
just never made it
some of our older relatives
just couldn't wait that long

some relatives and friends
went drinking or eating
elsewhere
and joined us later

thank goodness
Lucy was happy
my husband ended the evening happy
after yelling at as many people
as he could

and I was crying throughout
the picture montage
watching all my babies
grow up
and remembering
how much we have been through
all over again

As long as Lucy was happy
that was all that mattered to me

My baby did it

she was shining
she was beautiful
she beamed

I beamed
her daddy beamed
the entire congregation was all smiles

my baby
became a jewish woman this morning

she read from the torah
she chanted her blessings
she giggled
she smiled
she sang
she stood tall

she was perfect
she was lovely
she was amazing

I was crying
I was so happy
that I couldn't believe it was happening

our family was there
well
enough of them were there
the ones who wanted to be
the ones who cared
the ones who
took planes
trains and
automobiles
to get here

we were there
well
of course
but
our power went out on thursday
we moved into the hotel
into my brothers's family's room
since they ended up not coming

thank goodness
our power came on
last last night
because I needed to get home
to print out my speech
that I had worked on for so long
but had never printed

I thought I could do it that day
not thinking
there would be snow
power outages
and trees falling
all over the city

our good friends were there
many of them
smiling at all of us
on the bima
as a family
again

and we were all happy
and
that is what mattered

NO WAY SNOW

it is thursday
the weekend is fast approaching
but so is the weather

today
snow came down
hard
it got worse at the day went on
not better

this morning
I was all excited
saying how pretty the white is
all over the grass
and the streets
but
everyone thought it would stop
eventually
not get worse
everything is canceled
school was canceled early
flights are canceled
my niece is trying to get her way from Boston
back to dallas
her plane was canceled this morning
she is somehow getting to new york
flying to austin
then getting a ride here
from our friends

friends from Utah
had their plane cancel too
my brother and his family
their plane for tomorrow
has already been canceled
and my mom is trying to find them a new flight

silly NBA
their all star game is here in dallas too
not helping matters

Snow is beautiful
I still believe that
but
not when snow
ruins months of planning
and
makes a little 13 year old girl
and her family
unhappy

gearing up...

Hard to believe my baby is 13
ready to become a Bat Mitzvah
she has grown so fast
I am not ready for this

well
I am
but
I am not

I honestly don't like my girls growing up sometimes
but
she is so ready
she is so prepared

we have all the clothes picked out
the jewelry
and the shoes
the parties planned
the meals decided
there is just so much to do

but
my speech
I say it in my head at night
every night
trying to perfect it
trying to make it sound like I want
but
I don't think I will ever get it right
trying to tell her how I feel

but
here is where I try-

Lucy, when you were born your daddy and I always said that you were the best present we could have ever give your sisters.  But, we were wrong; you have been a gift to all of us.  Your smile is contagious, your energy is outstanding and you always make sure that someone in the family is laughing with you!  We have been so lucky that you have always been a part of our family.

Honestly, I can’t believe I am here, my baby is 13.  Yes, this event is bittersweet, it is the last of our family’s bat mitzvahs, but this one is so special because it is yours and you made it so different from your sisters and mine.

People kept asking me, does it get easier, do I have it down pat now---and the answer is NO.  This service, the preparation work, the planning was all about you-you helped make the decisions all along the way.  Like the jewish adult you became today, you knew that you have a right in the decisions that affect you. This weekend is to celebrate you, your accomplishments, your accolades, and your individualness.

I value your differences-I love how much you care about others. Since you were practically raised going to fun Saturdays each month for so many years, it was a habit, not a new mitzvah project for you. It was great to find new ones-caring for children and seniors who can’t help themselves and will appreciate your art was such a fun project.  And, as you know, it doesn’t have to stop here.  You can always have your friends make fun placemats for different holidays-you know that mitzvah work does not begin and end solely to become at bat mitzvah, it is life altering, it is a lifetime commitment to the practice and changing your projects over time –like Go Red for Women and Greene Family Camp, next week, maybe you’ll find something else.

Your laugh is infectious and not to share that is a misfortune. Being silly is a fabulous trait that you did inherit from your daddy, along with his face, and watching you share that with so many people is a pleasure.

One of my favorite qualities about you, is how you always make lemonade out of lemons, you always find the silver lining----I remember when you were little and once while skiing down a mountain, you fell down, you looked up at me, and said “well, as long as I am here, I am going to make a snow angel” most kids would have cried or gotten angry at themselves, but not you.  You’re always looking for the good in everyone and everything.  You are always the first one to compliment someone you meet, you notice new haircuts, new glasses and cute outfits. I am always so proud when you meet new people and act confident in front of others immediately.

These last few months have been very hard on our family, and sometimes you didn’t want to talk about it, but, deep down, it did bother you.  You always try to find the good in things, and today, things are SO good with our family, and you share that with all us daily.  Thank you so much for your inspiration.  You make me so proud.

Once you spent the night out, and the next day the father told me, it’s official, she even smiles in her sleep.  That beautiful big smile-may you never hide it, or hide behind it.  It does a world of good to everyone who comes in contact with it.

Thank you for sharing it with me every day. I love you-and am so proud of you today and every day!

not happy to get back to school

going back to school
is always hard on everyone
i hate it
i want my girls home with me
i enjoy the time we spend together
i like seeing them all day
i love having fun with them

so sunday nights
are always hard
but
after a 2 week break
from school
it is even more hard

everyone seemed to have a meltdown tonight
the biggest
the middlest
and the littlest

nobody seems happy

My husband and I decided
on mondays
or the first day back to school
every week
we would help Karen
by taking her to breakfast somewhere
and dropping her off to school

it is too hard for her
to get out of bed
get dressed
eat something at home
and then walk to school
when she is anxious
and does not want to get back

so first day back each week now
is breakfast day
one of us takes the younger 2
to their school
and one of us takes the big one
to hers

it helps ease the stress

but
it looks like tomorrow
all of us
including me
maybe even especially me
needs to extra attention

over

that is the best way to describe it
over
the vacation
the trip
the family compound

it was exhausting
it was fun
it was emotional
it was draining

i really just don't get
how people can love you
care for you
and be involved in your life
but
not ask any personal questions
or
pretend that nothing
happened
when
something
extremely difficult did happen

my poor big girl
everyone ignored the fact that she
spent 2 months
in a residential treatment center
nothing
nada
was said to her
not even just a remark
about being sorry she was away
or
that they didn't know what to say

poor thing
she felt self conscious
even more than usual
she felt they didn't care
she felt rejected
and became depressed all over again

aaarrrggghhhh
i want to take all that hurt away
i want to yell at my family
i want to tell them how their
limited ability to communicate
shattered my daughter's self image

but
it would be worthless
because
they didn't notice her falling apart
very much
that is
they knew she had a hard time
but
then later
my husband and I would
help her feel better
and they would just see her with a smile again
because she was pretending
it didn't bother her
when it really did inside

so
they didn't notice
or
they pretended not to

it is over
we are home
and I hope
she starts feeling better about herself
very soon

"trip" for the new year

wow
have things been so calm I have not written much
wow
I could say it again

I don't want to jinx myself
because we are going on a trip tomorrow
yes
a trip
not a vacation
a week long stay in Mexico
yes
you may think it is a vacation
but it is not
we are staying in one house
with my mom
my dad
my brother
his wife
and their three boys

yes
12 people
and we just had one of our children
come home from a 2 month stay in a residential treatment center
and this part of the family
is still in denial about it

so my husband has not been pleased to begin with
and then again
neither have I

then we found out our plane leaves at 7 am
in the morning
a car is arriving at 5 am
since we are traveling internationally
and we don't even have a straight flight
yes
we live in dallas
with an international airport
but
we are traveling on points
of my parents
and these tickets were booked
10 months ago
and a straight-through flight
was not even available then

but
I digress
we are all worried
we have not all been together
for over a year
and the last time
did not end well
when Karen had one of her meltdowns
a big one
right before a rafting trip
that my husband and I did not get to go on either
we had to drive her
back to the condo
30 minutes away
with her screaming
threatening
and kicking

she is scared too
she is not sure how she is going to react
I told her we are there for her
we will not leave her alone
either her daddy or me
will be with her at all times

I am worried
I am worried about her
about my husband
he is not a good traveler anyway
and then this
not being his idea
will make him worse
I want to put a xanax in his coffee in the morning

I am worried about me
my mother
my father
and their cluelessness
if that is even a word
they still don't realize that
Karen was in a mental hospital
they thought it was just a place
for kids with problems
yeah
doctors and nurses
watching them 24/7
checking the bedrooms every
15 minutes with a flashlight
that sounds like camp@@

and I worry about my brother
and his family
who have avoided this issue at all costs

they will see her
think she looks good
and they will just go on
and pretend nothing happened

but it did
and it is so good right now
I just don't want it to get worse

I can only hope my worry is for nothing
but until
it is over
I will never know

a month

Seriously
things have gotten better every day
I had my first birthday in almost 5 years
without any tears
by me

it is the first one I can remember
without any drama
or that I haven't put on my pajamas
and gone to bed
because I was so dissapointed
with the behavior of one of my children
yes
usually it was Karen
but sometimes it was the combination
of the whole thing
and even my husband didn't always help

but
the point is
Karen is making progress
so much progress
that she does not even realize it
every day she is pushing herself
somehow
somewhere
and feeling so proud
for the first time in her life
she is maturing
and becoming confident
it is amazing to watch

it is amazing what she is doing
she has made such great strides
her father and I are in awe of her
her sisters are so proud of her
I love seeing her smile
when she is proud of herself

She seriously does not realize how much
she has changed
she started driving
she had made plans with other kids
she is feeling confident at school
she took her finals
she got anxious
but she acted out physically
and not with rage
and THAT is a huge improvement

she still gets nervous
sick to her stomach
and dizzy
but I feel
it is when she is still unsure of herself
and when she is doing so much

she looks so good too
one of her medications last year
caused a tremendous weight gain
the med did help
but at the cost of her looks
which upset her in a different way
now she has lost weight
and I made her throw away
some old jeans

I can tell she is proud
getting ready to pack for our vacation
she was rocking a bathing suit
and she got embaressed
by all the compliments

but
i bet she was smiling inside
and to me
that is all that matters

so late so nervous

I love thanksgiving
I do
it is the time of year
to give thanks

it has been a rough few months
so rough
so scary
full of tears
worry
fear
anger
depression
anxiety
hope
love
prayer
and lately
calm
at last
and well deserved

but now
my parents are coming in
and spending the holiday with us

I am really scared
they are really clueless
they don't understand
what we have been going through

we have not seen them in almost 6 months
yet
they don't live far away
only 3
maybe 4 hours
but
it never occured to them
to come in to help us
when our oldest was gone
or even
when she got home

I am nervous
that my dissapointment
will show up as anger
while they are here

I actually told them
of my dissapointment
before Karen was released
while she was still in
her treatment center
I let them know
I was not happy with their lack of help
or my brother and his family's

it seemed it was not taken well
by anyone
and instead of trying to see things
from our perspective
it seems
they all turned it around
and made me the bully
I was even more distraught
and I couldn't share any of this with my children
my husband knew
and he was more angry
at them
for me

it didn't make sense to him
either

then after Karen got home
I shared more of my dissapointment
and then
my dear supportive husband
spoke on my behalf
he did not mix words
and we thought they got the message
my parents actually apologized
and promised to make changes

well
it is 6 weeks later
and they still never came in
to see
karen
or
bethany
or
lucy
or
me

what changes
maybe a phone call or two more
but
an offer to come in
to help
with doctor's appointments
or
to let us get a night out
or
help with school

so
again
last weekend
I told them
I was scared
how I would act
this week

I kept saying
what could *I* have said
that would have made a difference
what could *I* have done
so that they would understand

clueless
just clueless
my dad said he never thought about it
my mom said she thought
we were so busy
or
she thought
we didn't want her
but
never
was it mentioned
or offered
or suggested
after I had told
them what I needed
just
6 weeks before

I was shocked
how could this happen
I thought I knew them
understood them
until just a few months ago

they got here tonight
and they acted like nothing happened

do they think
if they don't talk
about it
that we will forget

they don't notice
that the eyes of
all their
granddaughters
have lost a little spark
that some innocense
is missing
that these girls
have noticed
their grandparents absense

I wonder
how I will make it the next couple of days
it is so late
and I am so nervous
of how I will react
how they will react
how my daughters will react
and how my husband will react
he will hurt anyone who hurts me
I am so thankful for that
but
in this situation
it scares me