Tuesday, November 24, 2009

so late so nervous

I love thanksgiving
I do
it is the time of year
to give thanks

it has been a rough few months
so rough
so scary
full of tears
worry
fear
anger
depression
anxiety
hope
love
prayer
and lately
calm
at last
and well deserved

but now
my parents are coming in
and spending the holiday with us

I am really scared
they are really clueless
they don't understand
what we have been going through

we have not seen them in almost 6 months
yet
they don't live far away
only 3
maybe 4 hours
but
it never occured to them
to come in to help us
when our oldest was gone
or even
when she got home

I am nervous
that my dissapointment
will show up as anger
while they are here

I actually told them
of my dissapointment
before Karen was released
while she was still in
her treatment center
I let them know
I was not happy with their lack of help
or my brother and his family's

it seemed it was not taken well
by anyone
and instead of trying to see things
from our perspective
it seems
they all turned it around
and made me the bully
I was even more distraught
and I couldn't share any of this with my children
my husband knew
and he was more angry
at them
for me

it didn't make sense to him
either

then after Karen got home
I shared more of my dissapointment
and then
my dear supportive husband
spoke on my behalf
he did not mix words
and we thought they got the message
my parents actually apologized
and promised to make changes

well
it is 6 weeks later
and they still never came in
to see
karen
or
bethany
or
lucy
or
me

what changes
maybe a phone call or two more
but
an offer to come in
to help
with doctor's appointments
or
to let us get a night out
or
help with school

so
again
last weekend
I told them
I was scared
how I would act
this week

I kept saying
what could *I* have said
that would have made a difference
what could *I* have done
so that they would understand

clueless
just clueless
my dad said he never thought about it
my mom said she thought
we were so busy
or
she thought
we didn't want her
but
never
was it mentioned
or offered
or suggested
after I had told
them what I needed
just
6 weeks before

I was shocked
how could this happen
I thought I knew them
understood them
until just a few months ago

they got here tonight
and they acted like nothing happened

do they think
if they don't talk
about it
that we will forget

they don't notice
that the eyes of
all their
granddaughters
have lost a little spark
that some innocense
is missing
that these girls
have noticed
their grandparents absense

I wonder
how I will make it the next couple of days
it is so late
and I am so nervous
of how I will react
how they will react
how my daughters will react
and how my husband will react
he will hurt anyone who hurts me
I am so thankful for that
but
in this situation
it scares me