A New School

YES!
i have a child in our neighborhood public school
this is exciting

it was a little strenuous
getting this to happen
Bethany was not happy
she was too stressed
studying too much
not content with her grades
and
not having a social life
that is not right
when you are a sophomore in high school
because it is only going to get worse

some of her teachers
ended up being outright rude
how can these teachers
be proud of class averages
at 73?
how can they feel good about that?
saying that if the averages were higher
then he didn't challenge the students

i just don't get it
but that is over for her

today
i took her to enroll at
Hillcrest High school
she didn't want me to do anything first
not take her paperwork in
not set up any appointments
she thought it was just a signature
and she would be on her way

we had to meet with the counselor
assigned by last name
she was busy
so we had to wait
while waiting
Bethany sighed loudly
and said
Well, this was a waste of an outfit
she makes me laugh

finally we were able to meet
introduce ourselves
and get the class schedule
that my daughter wanted
she knew
which classes her friends were in
so she planned accordingly
she was so happy
all pre ap or ap classes

and then i left her
when Lucy and I arrived
at the end of the day to pick her up
Bethany was talking to a boy
we left her alone
she looked so happy
and she was

that is all that matters!

And Homecoming Queen...

no way
no possible way
a year ago
at this time
we were all barely alive
we were still healing
from Karen's treatment center

we were happy to be together again
as a family

now
here we are
Karen is a senior
looking at colleges
she is happy
she has friends
she is enjoying school
and
it seems like
school is loving her

she was elected to be on the homecoming court
wow
she was surprised
i was surprised
we were all surprised
i laughed
the day i was at school helping out with something
the kids were voting on the court
freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors
all voting for each grade
Karen voted for friends
i was sitting by her and some other seniors
i joked and said that someone should vote for her
so then she would have to wear a dress
when one friend voted
we all laughed

then last week
she came home
with a shocked look on her face
"guess who was voted to be on homecoming court"
she asked
NO
i replied
and she laughed

i got the make a little speech
that was to be read at the homecoming football game
it was funny

i went to school for the pep rally
the whole homecoming court
played musical chairs
it is a tradition i was told
ugh
memories of childhood games came flashing back
i forgot how competitive she is
she won
barely
by being so fast
and having a good sized bottom!

The night came
the football game
she had to play in the band
but
she also had to wear something nice
we settled on a skirt and top
she felt comfortable
she looked darling
she even let me take some pictures

when they all lined up
and parades in
here was the speech said about her-

Kareb came to the Winston School in 10^th grade. She was instrumental in starting the band program with Mr Della Costa, and has been a percussionist for the last 6 years. She plays on the tennis team each spring.  She was inducted into the National Honor Society when she was a sophomore. She had lived behind Winston for 10 years before starting school, so now her daily commute is only a short walk.  Karen was honored when she was picked to represent the senior class in the homecoming court, also she was very surprised! She is very happy her family is here to celebrate with her. 

then everyone laughed
then everyone cheered

SHE WAS CROWNED AS HOMECOMING QUEEN

she laughs at me

because i have said i thought i heard voices

not that i didn't have trust in her

but 

we never thought she would really win

she was voted as queen by the entire upper school student body

never 

never in a million years

would that have happened anywhere else

her school is amazing

she is so confident

she is so honest

she is good 

she is fair

and she is a winner

we have all come a long way

and i am so happy

i can't believe it sometimes

pressure

kids today are under so much pressure
yes
i know
i was in high school
a loooong time ago
but i remember having fun
i made good enough grades
and good enough test scores
to go to a great college
where i also had fun

now
i see my own children
freaking out about making a B
and worse for a C
thank goodness i was not like that
but still
a few days ago
my middlest wouldn't go to school
she seemed sick
clammy
hot
chills
etc
my husband and i
told her to go back to bed

that afternoon
when she woke up
at 4 pm
she told me she was too scared to go
she was worried about a class
she was concerned about the work
she couldn't keep up
she was scared of her grades
and the teacher

uh oh
been there
done that
when the oldest felt like that
we knew she needed to get out
but
the middlest is different
she is stronger
she told us she would be good with whatever she got
but
she was lying to us
and herself
she is not good with C's
at this school

we went to talk to the head of upper school
she is only about a month into sophomore year
i want her out
now
not at the end of the semester
or the end of the year
i don't care about the money
i just want her happy

i am calling schools
talking to her
talking to her advisor
having her go to her therapist
again
she needs to make the decision
it is her life
but
i hate seeing her in pain
i hate seeing her down on herself
i hate hearing that she doesn't have time for a social life
that all she does is study
and then she is not content with the grades she is getting

i have seen these signs of depression before
and i don't want that to happen to our family again
we know the consequences
we know the feelings
we know we need to help her

public school
private school
jewish school
non denominational school

i don't care
i just want her happy
and feeling good about herself
and being happy with her life

that is all that matters to me
happy children
happy family
just need to get there

a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
reflected
and made promises
yet
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
but
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
when
hopefully
thoughtfully
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
but
mostly
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
and
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

today
i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
because
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
but
i won't dwell on them
no
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
beautiful
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
because
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate

16 years ago today

since last year
I noticed that the middlest
found out she needed her big sister
and today
she turned 16
I thought I needed to revisit this area again

wow
what a difference a year has made
there have been rough times
for sure
good times
sad times
scary times

but
overall
the 2 oldest sisters
have gotten along
so much better
sometimes I am not sure I am in the right house

every day
it is getting better and better
they are relating to one another
laughing
even joking
and being sarcastic
without any tears
or fears that
something is not a joke

last week
I heard the girls talking late in the night
it was a school night
I was on the couch
reading
I put down my book
I couldn't hear what they were saying
but
they were talking
laughing
and enjoying each other's company
I closed my book
said a prayer
and tears came to my eyes

I never would have pictured this
would happen so soon
I never thought it could
be this good

the fact that they openly
tell each other
that they love one another
is a gift
and it just keeps giving
every day

New School Year

this year it is right
it is good
it is what is supposed to be

all 3 girls in the first day of school picture
although
Karen started the day before
Bethany & Lucy were starting today
and
their school starts earlier
but
before we left
Karen got out of bed
came downstairs
and took a picture with her sisters
she poked her head through
their heads
so she didn't have to change
but
I didn't care
all *I* cared about
was that
it was how
it should be

Last year at this time
I was so nervous
I didn't even want to take the picture
and I swore
when Karen returned home
we would take another one
and
I never did

sometimes
I get these pangs of guilt
that I didn't do the right thing
that I should have made a big deal
about something
and didn't
and then I feel
I was wrong
about decisions
and messed up one child
while helping another
that I want to cry
but I can't
I just keep going
hoping I make better decisions next time
and try to forget some of the bad ones

but
today
I feel good
I feel that all is good
3 girls
smiling
in the picture
of the first day of school

the last first day of school
as sisters
in the same house

okay
maybe I should start crying now

girls girls girls

oh summer has been so sweet
the laughter in the house

thinking about last year at this time
and I just get chills
it is so much better
I want to cry

there are nights
we are all 5 at home
and it is so quiet
we watch a movie
we read in different rooms
but
we are together

I don't want summer to end
I am dreading school starting
I hate that my girls are getting older

okay
there are some days I don't
I don't need to scramble for babysitters any more
I can leave the house
when I feel like it
and
pretty soon
I won't even have to drive carpool in the morning
because Bethany will be driving

karen hates to drive
but
that is okay
since her school is in our backyard
and she walks there each day

Little Lucy has student council tomorrow
ugh
it is really here
just one week left

I want to sleep late a little more
I want to stay up late A LOT more

last night
the 3 girls and I were up late
laughing
my husband got up at midnight
and yelled at us
because we were so loud
but
i thought it was so fun

they were all
playing
making fun of each other
Lucy has to touch someone at all times
she and Bethany are all over each other
no boundaries
at all
Karen sat by me
letting them argue
over who had more couch

we laughed
so much
it felt so good

they would compliment each other
or make fun of each other
take pictures of one another
yell at each other
but
all in good fun

it made me so happy

anniversary

not sure whether to be happy or sad
celebrate or hide

I was dreading the day
cursing it
obsessing over it

but
when august 6th arrived
I actually forgot about it

I thought on the day before
do I say anything?
Jeff and I had talked about it all week

so the day went on
like normal
or
our new normal
I had 2 girls at home
the 3rd was to arrive that night

it was my best friend's birthday
I met her for coffee
I ran to the grocery store for dinner

when all the girls
and my husband was home
we sat around the dinner table
eating
laughing
telling stories
it was the first day
in over 2 months
that we were all together

there were smiles
hugging
tenderness
and compassion

dinner was good
if I say so myself
we decided to watch a movie together
a comedy
a good one
while we
were getting ready
Jeff reminded me
of the day

I choked up
i thought of last year
at this time
I remembered the hurt
the anger
the betrayal I felt
the look in Karen's eyes
the dead look in her eyes
the knowing
that she was out of control
that she knew she couldn't go on
that we knew we couldn't stay that way
the way
Bethany wouldn't talk about it
the sadness of Jeff
the way he couldn't be consoled
and me
I just sat there
stone cold
angry

but
not today
today
we were again a family of 5
a happy
"normal"
family of 5
what is normal anyway

we were happy
together
and
happy to be together

and to me
that was a success
I never could have imagined
a year ago

Summertime

for a very brief time
Jeff and I are really enjoying the summer

ALL our girls are gone
it is a shock to our system

we have the house to ourselves
we are planning to eat dinner out every night
see movies
do whatever we want

it is hot
so
we won't eat outside

it is quiet in the house
but
we aren't really complaining

in some ways
it makes me sad
i like the noise of the girls

but
it reminds me
of why I married
my husband
we do still like each other
a lot
and that is very good

we still have fun together
he makes me laugh
I make him laugh
we enjoy each other's company

we love our daughters
we love our family
we appreciate it
we treasure it
even more
when it is away for a little while