gearing up...

Hard to believe my baby is 13
ready to become a Bat Mitzvah
she has grown so fast
I am not ready for this

well
I am
but
I am not

I honestly don't like my girls growing up sometimes
but
she is so ready
she is so prepared

we have all the clothes picked out
the jewelry
and the shoes
the parties planned
the meals decided
there is just so much to do

but
my speech
I say it in my head at night
every night
trying to perfect it
trying to make it sound like I want
but
I don't think I will ever get it right
trying to tell her how I feel

but
here is where I try-

Lucy, when you were born your daddy and I always said that you were the best present we could have ever give your sisters.  But, we were wrong; you have been a gift to all of us.  Your smile is contagious, your energy is outstanding and you always make sure that someone in the family is laughing with you!  We have been so lucky that you have always been a part of our family.

Honestly, I can’t believe I am here, my baby is 13.  Yes, this event is bittersweet, it is the last of our family’s bat mitzvahs, but this one is so special because it is yours and you made it so different from your sisters and mine.

People kept asking me, does it get easier, do I have it down pat now---and the answer is NO.  This service, the preparation work, the planning was all about you-you helped make the decisions all along the way.  Like the jewish adult you became today, you knew that you have a right in the decisions that affect you. This weekend is to celebrate you, your accomplishments, your accolades, and your individualness.

I value your differences-I love how much you care about others. Since you were practically raised going to fun Saturdays each month for so many years, it was a habit, not a new mitzvah project for you. It was great to find new ones-caring for children and seniors who can’t help themselves and will appreciate your art was such a fun project.  And, as you know, it doesn’t have to stop here.  You can always have your friends make fun placemats for different holidays-you know that mitzvah work does not begin and end solely to become at bat mitzvah, it is life altering, it is a lifetime commitment to the practice and changing your projects over time –like Go Red for Women and Greene Family Camp, next week, maybe you’ll find something else.

Your laugh is infectious and not to share that is a misfortune. Being silly is a fabulous trait that you did inherit from your daddy, along with his face, and watching you share that with so many people is a pleasure.

One of my favorite qualities about you, is how you always make lemonade out of lemons, you always find the silver lining----I remember when you were little and once while skiing down a mountain, you fell down, you looked up at me, and said “well, as long as I am here, I am going to make a snow angel” most kids would have cried or gotten angry at themselves, but not you.  You’re always looking for the good in everyone and everything.  You are always the first one to compliment someone you meet, you notice new haircuts, new glasses and cute outfits. I am always so proud when you meet new people and act confident in front of others immediately.

These last few months have been very hard on our family, and sometimes you didn’t want to talk about it, but, deep down, it did bother you.  You always try to find the good in things, and today, things are SO good with our family, and you share that with all us daily.  Thank you so much for your inspiration.  You make me so proud.

Once you spent the night out, and the next day the father told me, it’s official, she even smiles in her sleep.  That beautiful big smile-may you never hide it, or hide behind it.  It does a world of good to everyone who comes in contact with it.

Thank you for sharing it with me every day. I love you-and am so proud of you today and every day!

not happy to get back to school

going back to school
is always hard on everyone
i hate it
i want my girls home with me
i enjoy the time we spend together
i like seeing them all day
i love having fun with them

so sunday nights
are always hard
but
after a 2 week break
from school
it is even more hard

everyone seemed to have a meltdown tonight
the biggest
the middlest
and the littlest

nobody seems happy

My husband and I decided
on mondays
or the first day back to school
every week
we would help Karen
by taking her to breakfast somewhere
and dropping her off to school

it is too hard for her
to get out of bed
get dressed
eat something at home
and then walk to school
when she is anxious
and does not want to get back

so first day back each week now
is breakfast day
one of us takes the younger 2
to their school
and one of us takes the big one
to hers

it helps ease the stress

but
it looks like tomorrow
all of us
including me
maybe even especially me
needs to extra attention

over

that is the best way to describe it
over
the vacation
the trip
the family compound

it was exhausting
it was fun
it was emotional
it was draining

i really just don't get
how people can love you
care for you
and be involved in your life
but
not ask any personal questions
or
pretend that nothing
happened
when
something
extremely difficult did happen

my poor big girl
everyone ignored the fact that she
spent 2 months
in a residential treatment center
nothing
nada
was said to her
not even just a remark
about being sorry she was away
or
that they didn't know what to say

poor thing
she felt self conscious
even more than usual
she felt they didn't care
she felt rejected
and became depressed all over again

aaarrrggghhhh
i want to take all that hurt away
i want to yell at my family
i want to tell them how their
limited ability to communicate
shattered my daughter's self image

but
it would be worthless
because
they didn't notice her falling apart
very much
that is
they knew she had a hard time
but
then later
my husband and I would
help her feel better
and they would just see her with a smile again
because she was pretending
it didn't bother her
when it really did inside

so
they didn't notice
or
they pretended not to

it is over
we are home
and I hope
she starts feeling better about herself
very soon

"trip" for the new year

wow
have things been so calm I have not written much
wow
I could say it again

I don't want to jinx myself
because we are going on a trip tomorrow
yes
a trip
not a vacation
a week long stay in Mexico
yes
you may think it is a vacation
but it is not
we are staying in one house
with my mom
my dad
my brother
his wife
and their three boys

yes
12 people
and we just had one of our children
come home from a 2 month stay in a residential treatment center
and this part of the family
is still in denial about it

so my husband has not been pleased to begin with
and then again
neither have I

then we found out our plane leaves at 7 am
in the morning
a car is arriving at 5 am
since we are traveling internationally
and we don't even have a straight flight
yes
we live in dallas
with an international airport
but
we are traveling on points
of my parents
and these tickets were booked
10 months ago
and a straight-through flight
was not even available then

but
I digress
we are all worried
we have not all been together
for over a year
and the last time
did not end well
when Karen had one of her meltdowns
a big one
right before a rafting trip
that my husband and I did not get to go on either
we had to drive her
back to the condo
30 minutes away
with her screaming
threatening
and kicking

she is scared too
she is not sure how she is going to react
I told her we are there for her
we will not leave her alone
either her daddy or me
will be with her at all times

I am worried
I am worried about her
about my husband
he is not a good traveler anyway
and then this
not being his idea
will make him worse
I want to put a xanax in his coffee in the morning

I am worried about me
my mother
my father
and their cluelessness
if that is even a word
they still don't realize that
Karen was in a mental hospital
they thought it was just a place
for kids with problems
yeah
doctors and nurses
watching them 24/7
checking the bedrooms every
15 minutes with a flashlight
that sounds like camp@@

and I worry about my brother
and his family
who have avoided this issue at all costs

they will see her
think she looks good
and they will just go on
and pretend nothing happened

but it did
and it is so good right now
I just don't want it to get worse

I can only hope my worry is for nothing
but until
it is over
I will never know

a month

Seriously
things have gotten better every day
I had my first birthday in almost 5 years
without any tears
by me

it is the first one I can remember
without any drama
or that I haven't put on my pajamas
and gone to bed
because I was so dissapointed
with the behavior of one of my children
yes
usually it was Karen
but sometimes it was the combination
of the whole thing
and even my husband didn't always help

but
the point is
Karen is making progress
so much progress
that she does not even realize it
every day she is pushing herself
somehow
somewhere
and feeling so proud
for the first time in her life
she is maturing
and becoming confident
it is amazing to watch

it is amazing what she is doing
she has made such great strides
her father and I are in awe of her
her sisters are so proud of her
I love seeing her smile
when she is proud of herself

She seriously does not realize how much
she has changed
she started driving
she had made plans with other kids
she is feeling confident at school
she took her finals
she got anxious
but she acted out physically
and not with rage
and THAT is a huge improvement

she still gets nervous
sick to her stomach
and dizzy
but I feel
it is when she is still unsure of herself
and when she is doing so much

she looks so good too
one of her medications last year
caused a tremendous weight gain
the med did help
but at the cost of her looks
which upset her in a different way
now she has lost weight
and I made her throw away
some old jeans

I can tell she is proud
getting ready to pack for our vacation
she was rocking a bathing suit
and she got embaressed
by all the compliments

but
i bet she was smiling inside
and to me
that is all that matters

so late so nervous

I love thanksgiving
I do
it is the time of year
to give thanks

it has been a rough few months
so rough
so scary
full of tears
worry
fear
anger
depression
anxiety
hope
love
prayer
and lately
calm
at last
and well deserved

but now
my parents are coming in
and spending the holiday with us

I am really scared
they are really clueless
they don't understand
what we have been going through

we have not seen them in almost 6 months
yet
they don't live far away
only 3
maybe 4 hours
but
it never occured to them
to come in to help us
when our oldest was gone
or even
when she got home

I am nervous
that my dissapointment
will show up as anger
while they are here

I actually told them
of my dissapointment
before Karen was released
while she was still in
her treatment center
I let them know
I was not happy with their lack of help
or my brother and his family's

it seemed it was not taken well
by anyone
and instead of trying to see things
from our perspective
it seems
they all turned it around
and made me the bully
I was even more distraught
and I couldn't share any of this with my children
my husband knew
and he was more angry
at them
for me

it didn't make sense to him
either

then after Karen got home
I shared more of my dissapointment
and then
my dear supportive husband
spoke on my behalf
he did not mix words
and we thought they got the message
my parents actually apologized
and promised to make changes

well
it is 6 weeks later
and they still never came in
to see
karen
or
bethany
or
lucy
or
me

what changes
maybe a phone call or two more
but
an offer to come in
to help
with doctor's appointments
or
to let us get a night out
or
help with school

so
again
last weekend
I told them
I was scared
how I would act
this week

I kept saying
what could *I* have said
that would have made a difference
what could *I* have done
so that they would understand

clueless
just clueless
my dad said he never thought about it
my mom said she thought
we were so busy
or
she thought
we didn't want her
but
never
was it mentioned
or offered
or suggested
after I had told
them what I needed
just
6 weeks before

I was shocked
how could this happen
I thought I knew them
understood them
until just a few months ago

they got here tonight
and they acted like nothing happened

do they think
if they don't talk
about it
that we will forget

they don't notice
that the eyes of
all their
granddaughters
have lost a little spark
that some innocense
is missing
that these girls
have noticed
their grandparents absense

I wonder
how I will make it the next couple of days
it is so late
and I am so nervous
of how I will react
how they will react
how my daughters will react
and how my husband will react
he will hurt anyone who hurts me
I am so thankful for that
but
in this situation
it scares me

Steps forward

more steps forward
than backwards
and that is what is important

another weekend
another bat mitzvah

Karen went to the sabbath dinner
and I had not even
realized
until we were there
it was her first
big event
where it was not just family
or her friends at school
the first time
she was in a large group
at least
it was in a home
she felt comfortable

I stayed with her most of the time
she did well
some people tried to hug her
not her cup of tea
but she did well

on saturday night
when the rest of us
were at the bat mitzvah
service and party
Karen had a friend
spend the night
they went to dinner
then watched a movie

Bethany and Lucy
my husband and I
enjoyed seeing
the little girl do her torah service
we had watched her grow up
she was a little terror at 5
but now
just beautiful
honest and gracious
at 13
beam from the bima
we laughed
danced and enjoyed her party

one of my middlest's friends
thought I was drunk
but Bethany explained
"oh no
she always dances like that"
as long as I didn't embaress her
I guess is all that mattered

but
baby steps forward
for all of us

parties
sleepovers
friends
laughter
all the girls
laughed when we got home
my three
and one extra
one that I never knew
could be a part of our lives

the child that I still worry about
the one who I thought
would always be my shadow
had a friend spend the night

it had been a long time
since that happened
and it was all
a part
of the moving forward
process
that we are all
grateful for
and
so happy to see

Billy Crystal

I was so excited
I had bought tickets for Billy Crystal's
Tony award winning show
700 Sundays
I promised by husband I would take him
sometimes I take girlfriends
the event was on my calendar
for tonight
thursday

we were getting ready
and he asked me what time it started
I said I needed to check the tickets
I found the tickets
and the date
said YESTERDAY
I totally goofed
how could I do that
put it on the wrong night
in my calendar

He saw my look
and knew it was not good
I called the box office
thank goodness
it was still open
and they had tickets for tonight
the seats weren't as good
but we could still go

and I am so glad we did
we needed a night out
we left the girls
all alone
for the first time in
well
I don't know
ever I feel like
but I knew that is not true
15, 17 and 12
we should be able to leave them
but
we are not a typical family
and we know it

we went to dinner first
then to the show
in a brand new opera house
that was warm and cozy

the show was beautiful
Billy took
his family stories
pictures
old movies
and told them to us
it was so personal
the loss of his father at 15
the jazz clubs he went to
wanting to play baseball
then
deciding to be a comedian
his brothers
aunts
uncles
his mother
the fun times
the heartbreak

it made me think of my own family
and how things don't always
look the way they seem
the family ties
that should be close
are not always
the ones you think you can count on
aren't always there when you need them

I cried
for Billy
for me
for my daughters
who I want to keep safe
and loved
always

for my extended family
who does not always understand
what we are going through
what is so hard to explain
how we struggle daily
but don't want to admit it
every day is a new day
and every morning
I never know
how the oldest will wake up
or treat her sisters
or me
or her dad

that mental illness is not something
you can just turn off or on
that these details
are not easy to talk about
and sometimes
I just don't want to

that I shouldn't have to be the one to start
the conversations
with my extended family
but I can always be a part of them
but
they avoid it
so if I want to talk about it
I have to bring it up
so I don't
until it is too late

how lucky Billy Crystal
seemed to me
although he lost his dad so young
he had some wonderful
fond memories of him
that still made him proud
to this day

I hope my girls
will be like that

I want to make them proud
of me
of themselves
and
of our family

Three girls One doctor

it needed to happen
it did
they never wanted to do it
but
I wanted it

I made an appointment for
all three girls
to go to a psychologist together
the new doctor
because it only seemed fair

Karen has been seeing her
therapist for 3 years now
wow
how did it get to be so long
but
it has

the new doctor
who I found
by pure luck
started seeing
Bethany and Lucy
while Karen was away

She knows their stories
but she also
knows less history

now that the oldest
has been home
I knew it needed to happen

but
on the way there
I asked
will you blame everything on me?

My middlest asked
if I really meant it
My littlest asked
if I was just trying to be funny
but
the oldest
Karen
didn't say much
I knew she was scared
they were all going
to "the other" doctor
a new doctor
for her
and
she was
"theirs"

but I promised her
she would like Dr Black
Dr Black would not
be mean to her
she wanted to get to know her too

but
back in the car
I still worried
for all of them
what did I do wrong
could I have done
something
anything
differently
so they would have gotten along
from the beginning of their lives

was I a bad mother
I was still worried
even if I was trying
to make light of the situation

We all sat
in the waiting room
together
I think we were
all on the same couch
when the doctor came out
she smiled
all the girls
even me
sitting together
probably looking at
an Iphone application
or something
to take our minds
of the seriousness of the evening

they went in together
leaving me alone
in the waiting room
I read my book
I checked my email
I wondered
just what they were saying

would they blame
me
their daddy
each other
for the situation right now

would I hear screaming
crying
or anything
from the other room

sigh
I could only wait

they returned
and smiles
were on all the faces
and they asked
to do this again

so
apparently it was positive
and they weren't scared to talk
they all spoke
even the littlest
who only likes to make people happy
she didn't just nod
her head and say
"whatever you want"
to her sisters

However
the funniest thing happened
later that evening

Bethany went to the bathroom
and while she was there
she noticed that
the bathroom
she shares with Lucy
was out of toilet paper

So she screamed at Lucy
to get her some
she pounded on the wall
between their rooms
Lucy screamed back
to tell her to stop
my sweet husband
heard what was going on
and threw some
TP up to the girls

Then Bethany came downstairs
upset
and started complaining
to her father
that it was Karen's fault
there was no TP

what?
the oldest does not share that bathroom
and
still
the middlest felt she could blame her

My husband said
good thing
that sister therapy
worked so well

sigh
again
or still
I was
glad I made
another appointment
for them

it seems
there is a lot
of work that needs to be done

At least
Karen could laugh about this one