trusting

i trust people way too much
really
i believe people
i think everyone is honest
and
i don't think people will lie to me

but
i am so wrong
and
the people i trust the most
sometimes
end up being the ones who hurt me the most

the ones i think will be supportive of me
the ones i think will always love me
always be there for me
through thick and thin
as the old saying go

i wish i could be less trusting
but
i think everyone will be like me
they will think of other's people's feelings
but they don't
i think they will be empathetic
but they aren't
i think they will try to see things from my perspective
but they don't

is it selfish of me
or of them
to get upset that they can't see the difference
between hurting and hurt
between sorrow and sadness
between desperation and crisis

my immediate family has been through so much
we are stronger because of it
but
for those who can't understand
they will never know

related?

i don't think we can be related
i really don't

i can't understand how we can look at life so differently
how we can't even have a basic understanding
of what is important
also
how clueless
someone can be about a situation
then expect me to feel blamed about it

why would it be my fault
that they don't understand crisis
or a stay in a mental institution is not a spa
that therapy sessions are not for fun
and nobody would pick that way to spend their time

that for 2 months we traveled miles and miles
to help our child
but because they didn't understand the severity
it was because i didn't stress it enough

no
it was because it didn't affect them personally
it should have
but
it didn't
and
since they didn't see it each day
it didn't mean anything to them
and if they didn't really listen to what i was saying
then it really couldn't be happening

no
it was not my fault they didn't listen
understand
or care
we are related
they should have bent over backwards
trying to help
other people did
friends did
other family members did
just not mine
they should have been there
they should have cared
they should have been interested enough
to ask more questions
or do more research
but
they chose not to
they chose to pick on me
upset me
and then be mad at me because i was emotional
not really realizing what was happening to our family
at the time

stupid
really stupid
and selfish
and limited
i just need to remember that
and
remind myself
that just because we are related
does not mean that they really understand

great day to be born

My birthday
it was a good day
seriously

went to yoga
went to lunch with friends
went to a movie alone
saw my kids
went to dinner with my husband

it was a GREAT day
not one thing went wrong
not one person complained
well
i did
because i was too full to go to dinner

that is not bad
things can be so good
things can be so simple

but sometimes
we just forget
how the simple
wonderful things
make us so happy

today
i was happy

dreidel dreidel dreidel...

oh hanukkah
oh hanukkah
you came so early this year
I wasn't ready

seriously
dec 1st is way too early for a
holiday
especially when one throws
a huge thanksgiving celebration

for a few weeks now
my husband and I have been asking
the girls what they want
nothing
that is what they said
awww
what great girls
Bethany only wants to go to Israel this summer with camp
what a mensch
Lucy just wants to go to camp
and then play soccer with her
jcc maccabi team in Philadelphia
another little do gooder
then Karen wants to do something fun this summer
she is not sure yet
but that is all she wants
sometimes I seriously think I have the perfect kids
they know
they have all a child needs
a warm bed
clean clothes
food to eat
and people who love them

times like these I just want to melt
i think i have done a good thing

but then i think
i have to give them something
for the first night
i gave them gift of words
little hand written notes
personal and special for each child
they deserve something special
i have done a few nights like that
and plan more
other nights i have given
small token gift cards
because
seriously
they really don't need anything

we used to do community service
or a mitzvah
every year at this time
but the last couple of years
i have found
we just needed to focus on us
not the gift giving us
just the family bond of us
i still donate a wazoo of money
to many of the needy charities
i contribute to
but
my time is dedicated to them

i also think
this may be the last year of Hanukkah
togetherness
when is Hanukkah next year
will Karen be home from college
will Bethany be involved in youth group
at that time
she was actually invited to a special event
that had invitations to only future leaders
but she chose to be home
with us

what more could I ask for

Being Thankful

This year has been a blessed year

I know that I can try to say these things that I am so thankful for

But I am not even sure that I will be able to express myself

As well as I wish to

#1-first and foremost

I am thankful for my husband

His support and love help guide me daily

Without him I would definitely fail

You are my partner and I love you

Thank you for being you

#2-I am thankful for my daughters

Karen-your strength and your maturity has amazed me at moments over this past year

I know you don’t recognize all of these differences

But your smiling face tells a different story

I love you so much, even when you don’t see it, so don’t you ever forget it

Bethany-your intense spirit and independence constantly surprise me

I know how hard these first few months of school have been for you

I am so honored that you were open with me from the beginning

Together we made it work and seeing you laugh and happy again

Makes it all worth it

I love you so much and I trust you, and that is something I can’t even begin to explain

Lucy-after last school year’s horrible beginning, you struggled through

I am so proud of your perseverance in that situation

I think opening all our eyes to all the schools in this city

And having the time to look at them all

Is going to be a great experience

I know all you want in a school is friends and sports

And we will make that happen, and more

I love you and can’t believe my baby is growing up

#3-I am thankful for my parents

Nana & Grandfather

Your unwavering support during this past year and half, and longer

Was noticed in so many ways, even if we couldn’t always express ourselves

The girls know you are always on their sides, good or bad

And that is priceless and beyond worth

Joe and I know that you are there, no matter what

We both love you and care for you, and thank you for everything you have done

#4-I am thankful for my brother in law, sister in law, my only niece, and my special nephew 

Your continuous encouragement and attention has kept us going this year

Even if we felt we couldn’t make it

We can always count on you for beautiful flowers to celebrate the occasion

I love each of you and treasure your cooperation in this mess

I hope you see that and feel it

#5-similar to Lucyi at her candle lighting

I am thankful for myself

Somedays I prove myself wrong and can be strong when I felt weak

Sometimes I shock myself with what I can accomplish

And when there are days that I just want to hide under the covers

I do know you are there if I need you

Sometimes I just don’t know how to ask

So

Thank you for helping me, giving me the words when I can’t say them myself

And knowing I will come around when it is time

Thankful

it is that time of year...

we always have a party the saturday after
thanksgiving
well
for always
I would say the last 10 years or so

the stock market is open the friday after thanksgiving
so my cute hubby always has to work
so when we moved into our present house
about 12 years ago
we decided to make a tradition
a thank you party
for our family and friends

the first year or so
i would make the appetizers
cooking and cleaning
on friday
since i always host
thanksgiving too

in fact
even the one year i didn't host
i had to cook it
because my kids still wanted it
so i just said
from now on
we will be here
and whoever else can join us

so
back to the party
i would get a bounce house
a magician
or some sort of
child activity
since at the time
our kids were probably
3, 6 & 8
now
that they are
13, 16 & 18
extra activities
are not needed
and
i am much smarter
i order the food
party trays
from Central Market
i keep a list from year to year
what works
what people eat
what people don't eat

one year it snowed
or was really cold
so that year i started ordering coffee
from Starbucks
then a couple of years ago
i started making gallons of hot chocolate
so i can order less coffee
and make more hot cocoa

some of our friends
and
definitely our family
have come to
look forward to this event
it is really sweet
when my mother in law
tells me that great aunts are calling
because they haven't gotten an invitation yet
they want to make sure
the tradition lives on

the invitation always says the same thing-
"It is that time of year
when we want to give thanks to you
our wonderful friends and family
Please join us as we open our home
to you and your family"
then last year
after Karen's time at the residential treatment center
i added this line-
"We have so much to be thankful for!"
because it was so true
some even said
"now all 5 of us are under the same roof"
and i guess i will need to do that next year
since Karen will be home from college
ugh
don't want to think about that now
just want to be thankful
we are all healthy and happy
and we are

looking at schools

2 down
1 to go

so since the oldest left Greenhill
after 9th grade
then the middlest left Greenhill
after a month into 10th grade
might as well start looking for the littlest
who is in 8th grade right now
wow
we have time
since we don't even want to start that route
into 9th grade
and leaving soon afterward

Poor baby
she was the one with all the school
issues last year
with the head of middle school
and the problem with her language teacher
she practically left last year
but she didn't
we held out
because
at the time Bethany was going back
and
she could finish middle school with her friends

now so many of her friends
are talking about leaving
so that helps
but
there are so many schools
so many options
we have everything open to us
the neighborhood high school
where Bethany goes now
but Lucy doesn't have friends that will go there
the catholic school
where most of her friends want to go
but there aren't
many jews there
and Lucy isn't super comfortable with that
an all girls catholic school
not much better
but many of her school friends like it
another public school
not in our area
but we could work it out
and the jewish school
it is worth a try

she is confused
all she wants is friends and sports
she loves to be part of something
a team
a group of friends
sisters
a family
she doesn't act alone
she acts with thoughts of others
so don't ever ask her to make a decision
she only wants to please
so this is going to be very difficult
for her
because it will be important
for her to pick what is best for her

so happy we have months to make this happen
this time
we are lucky

College!

Karen got her first acceptance letter
and it is her first choice
yes
she is going to college

i should be happy
and i am
i should be ecstatic
and i am
but
i am also sad
that my baby is
actually leaving now
in less than a year

college
i remember college
how can i be old enough
to have a child in college

but
she has been through so much
she has grown so much
she has matured so much
that
i should be thankful
she is even allowed to go
to want to go
to be able to go

i am
but it is all bittersweet
she is so much fun
i love being around her
all the girls are getting along
it is such a good year
and
i know it will all be over soon
well
soon enough
in less than a year

it is not fair
we all struggled for so long
especially her
we all fought so hard
for her to win
to get through it
and she did
we never gave up
she always had our support
and she always supported us
well usually
she knew there was something wrong
when things weren't right
but she just didn't know what

now she knows
and
sometimes she is afraid
it will happen again

but
we know it won't
and we kept reminding her

someday she will know
too
and that time will come soon
because
she is leaving home
in less than a year
and
i have to let her

it is all good

3day 2010

i didn't feel like crewing again
seriously
a week before the event
i was depressed
and bothered by so much in my life
i wondered if i should do it
i knew i needed energy
and enthusiasm
but i wasn't feeling it

each day that passed
i thought about calling my team leader
but
i didn't want to disappoint her
damn me
for being so loyal
and honest
and trustworthy

crew day
was exciting
it was good to see
my old workers
and friends that bond during the weekend
and
most important
i remembered
why the 3day is so important

walking is amazing
i loved that
the encouragement
the energy
the excitement
the thrill of finishing
of walking with tears in your eyes

crewing is different
you are the cheerleaders
so
at this time
while feeling down
could i help
others feel up?

it ended up being cathartic
in a way i never imagined
i didn't really think about myself
for 3 days
i didn't care if my back hurt
my feet hurt
my head hurt
or my feelings were hurt
i ignored it all
it was good to be out of
the real world
and just focused
on something totally different

yes
i was exhausted
and i did walk with tears in my eyes
as my entire lunch team
walked the last few steps
together
into the final rest area
everyone waving
cheering
calling out
hands touching
high fiving
just appreciative

because of my
own depression though
i did notice
something else
i felt removed
i felt disconnected
from most feelings

i could do my job
"turkey, chicken or veggie"
or
"go walkers, you are halfway there"
or
"welcome to lunch"
or
"aloha"
since we were a luau station

the tears did not come until the end
and i was grateful
for the feeling
for the knowledge of being alive
and being part of something important

glad to know
that i can make a difference
and that i can help
my daughters live in a
world without breast cancer
because
everyone deserves a lifetime