Being Thankful

This year has been a blessed year

I know that I can try to say these things that I am so thankful for

But I am not even sure that I will be able to express myself

As well as I wish to

#1-first and foremost

I am thankful for my husband

His support and love help guide me daily

Without him I would definitely fail

You are my partner and I love you

Thank you for being you

#2-I am thankful for my daughters

Karen-your strength and your maturity has amazed me at moments over this past year

I know you don’t recognize all of these differences

But your smiling face tells a different story

I love you so much, even when you don’t see it, so don’t you ever forget it

Bethany-your intense spirit and independence constantly surprise me

I know how hard these first few months of school have been for you

I am so honored that you were open with me from the beginning

Together we made it work and seeing you laugh and happy again

Makes it all worth it

I love you so much and I trust you, and that is something I can’t even begin to explain

Lucy-after last school year’s horrible beginning, you struggled through

I am so proud of your perseverance in that situation

I think opening all our eyes to all the schools in this city

And having the time to look at them all

Is going to be a great experience

I know all you want in a school is friends and sports

And we will make that happen, and more

I love you and can’t believe my baby is growing up

#3-I am thankful for my parents

Nana & Grandfather

Your unwavering support during this past year and half, and longer

Was noticed in so many ways, even if we couldn’t always express ourselves

The girls know you are always on their sides, good or bad

And that is priceless and beyond worth

Joe and I know that you are there, no matter what

We both love you and care for you, and thank you for everything you have done

#4-I am thankful for my brother in law, sister in law, my only niece, and my special nephew 

Your continuous encouragement and attention has kept us going this year

Even if we felt we couldn’t make it

We can always count on you for beautiful flowers to celebrate the occasion

I love each of you and treasure your cooperation in this mess

I hope you see that and feel it

#5-similar to Lucyi at her candle lighting

I am thankful for myself

Somedays I prove myself wrong and can be strong when I felt weak

Sometimes I shock myself with what I can accomplish

And when there are days that I just want to hide under the covers

I do know you are there if I need you

Sometimes I just don’t know how to ask

So

Thank you for helping me, giving me the words when I can’t say them myself

And knowing I will come around when it is time

Thankful

it is that time of year...

we always have a party the saturday after
thanksgiving
well
for always
I would say the last 10 years or so

the stock market is open the friday after thanksgiving
so my cute hubby always has to work
so when we moved into our present house
about 12 years ago
we decided to make a tradition
a thank you party
for our family and friends

the first year or so
i would make the appetizers
cooking and cleaning
on friday
since i always host
thanksgiving too

in fact
even the one year i didn't host
i had to cook it
because my kids still wanted it
so i just said
from now on
we will be here
and whoever else can join us

so
back to the party
i would get a bounce house
a magician
or some sort of
child activity
since at the time
our kids were probably
3, 6 & 8
now
that they are
13, 16 & 18
extra activities
are not needed
and
i am much smarter
i order the food
party trays
from Central Market
i keep a list from year to year
what works
what people eat
what people don't eat

one year it snowed
or was really cold
so that year i started ordering coffee
from Starbucks
then a couple of years ago
i started making gallons of hot chocolate
so i can order less coffee
and make more hot cocoa

some of our friends
and
definitely our family
have come to
look forward to this event
it is really sweet
when my mother in law
tells me that great aunts are calling
because they haven't gotten an invitation yet
they want to make sure
the tradition lives on

the invitation always says the same thing-
"It is that time of year
when we want to give thanks to you
our wonderful friends and family
Please join us as we open our home
to you and your family"
then last year
after Karen's time at the residential treatment center
i added this line-
"We have so much to be thankful for!"
because it was so true
some even said
"now all 5 of us are under the same roof"
and i guess i will need to do that next year
since Karen will be home from college
ugh
don't want to think about that now
just want to be thankful
we are all healthy and happy
and we are

looking at schools

2 down
1 to go

so since the oldest left Greenhill
after 9th grade
then the middlest left Greenhill
after a month into 10th grade
might as well start looking for the littlest
who is in 8th grade right now
wow
we have time
since we don't even want to start that route
into 9th grade
and leaving soon afterward

Poor baby
she was the one with all the school
issues last year
with the head of middle school
and the problem with her language teacher
she practically left last year
but she didn't
we held out
because
at the time Bethany was going back
and
she could finish middle school with her friends

now so many of her friends
are talking about leaving
so that helps
but
there are so many schools
so many options
we have everything open to us
the neighborhood high school
where Bethany goes now
but Lucy doesn't have friends that will go there
the catholic school
where most of her friends want to go
but there aren't
many jews there
and Lucy isn't super comfortable with that
an all girls catholic school
not much better
but many of her school friends like it
another public school
not in our area
but we could work it out
and the jewish school
it is worth a try

she is confused
all she wants is friends and sports
she loves to be part of something
a team
a group of friends
sisters
a family
she doesn't act alone
she acts with thoughts of others
so don't ever ask her to make a decision
she only wants to please
so this is going to be very difficult
for her
because it will be important
for her to pick what is best for her

so happy we have months to make this happen
this time
we are lucky

College!

Karen got her first acceptance letter
and it is her first choice
yes
she is going to college

i should be happy
and i am
i should be ecstatic
and i am
but
i am also sad
that my baby is
actually leaving now
in less than a year

college
i remember college
how can i be old enough
to have a child in college

but
she has been through so much
she has grown so much
she has matured so much
that
i should be thankful
she is even allowed to go
to want to go
to be able to go

i am
but it is all bittersweet
she is so much fun
i love being around her
all the girls are getting along
it is such a good year
and
i know it will all be over soon
well
soon enough
in less than a year

it is not fair
we all struggled for so long
especially her
we all fought so hard
for her to win
to get through it
and she did
we never gave up
she always had our support
and she always supported us
well usually
she knew there was something wrong
when things weren't right
but she just didn't know what

now she knows
and
sometimes she is afraid
it will happen again

but
we know it won't
and we kept reminding her

someday she will know
too
and that time will come soon
because
she is leaving home
in less than a year
and
i have to let her

it is all good

3day 2010

i didn't feel like crewing again
seriously
a week before the event
i was depressed
and bothered by so much in my life
i wondered if i should do it
i knew i needed energy
and enthusiasm
but i wasn't feeling it

each day that passed
i thought about calling my team leader
but
i didn't want to disappoint her
damn me
for being so loyal
and honest
and trustworthy

crew day
was exciting
it was good to see
my old workers
and friends that bond during the weekend
and
most important
i remembered
why the 3day is so important

walking is amazing
i loved that
the encouragement
the energy
the excitement
the thrill of finishing
of walking with tears in your eyes

crewing is different
you are the cheerleaders
so
at this time
while feeling down
could i help
others feel up?

it ended up being cathartic
in a way i never imagined
i didn't really think about myself
for 3 days
i didn't care if my back hurt
my feet hurt
my head hurt
or my feelings were hurt
i ignored it all
it was good to be out of
the real world
and just focused
on something totally different

yes
i was exhausted
and i did walk with tears in my eyes
as my entire lunch team
walked the last few steps
together
into the final rest area
everyone waving
cheering
calling out
hands touching
high fiving
just appreciative

because of my
own depression though
i did notice
something else
i felt removed
i felt disconnected
from most feelings

i could do my job
"turkey, chicken or veggie"
or
"go walkers, you are halfway there"
or
"welcome to lunch"
or
"aloha"
since we were a luau station

the tears did not come until the end
and i was grateful
for the feeling
for the knowledge of being alive
and being part of something important

glad to know
that i can make a difference
and that i can help
my daughters live in a
world without breast cancer
because
everyone deserves a lifetime

A New School

YES!
i have a child in our neighborhood public school
this is exciting

it was a little strenuous
getting this to happen
Bethany was not happy
she was too stressed
studying too much
not content with her grades
and
not having a social life
that is not right
when you are a sophomore in high school
because it is only going to get worse

some of her teachers
ended up being outright rude
how can these teachers
be proud of class averages
at 73?
how can they feel good about that?
saying that if the averages were higher
then he didn't challenge the students

i just don't get it
but that is over for her

today
i took her to enroll at
Hillcrest High school
she didn't want me to do anything first
not take her paperwork in
not set up any appointments
she thought it was just a signature
and she would be on her way

we had to meet with the counselor
assigned by last name
she was busy
so we had to wait
while waiting
Bethany sighed loudly
and said
Well, this was a waste of an outfit
she makes me laugh

finally we were able to meet
introduce ourselves
and get the class schedule
that my daughter wanted
she knew
which classes her friends were in
so she planned accordingly
she was so happy
all pre ap or ap classes

and then i left her
when Lucy and I arrived
at the end of the day to pick her up
Bethany was talking to a boy
we left her alone
she looked so happy
and she was

that is all that matters!

And Homecoming Queen...

no way
no possible way
a year ago
at this time
we were all barely alive
we were still healing
from Karen's treatment center

we were happy to be together again
as a family

now
here we are
Karen is a senior
looking at colleges
she is happy
she has friends
she is enjoying school
and
it seems like
school is loving her

she was elected to be on the homecoming court
wow
she was surprised
i was surprised
we were all surprised
i laughed
the day i was at school helping out with something
the kids were voting on the court
freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors
all voting for each grade
Karen voted for friends
i was sitting by her and some other seniors
i joked and said that someone should vote for her
so then she would have to wear a dress
when one friend voted
we all laughed

then last week
she came home
with a shocked look on her face
"guess who was voted to be on homecoming court"
she asked
NO
i replied
and she laughed

i got the make a little speech
that was to be read at the homecoming football game
it was funny

i went to school for the pep rally
the whole homecoming court
played musical chairs
it is a tradition i was told
ugh
memories of childhood games came flashing back
i forgot how competitive she is
she won
barely
by being so fast
and having a good sized bottom!

The night came
the football game
she had to play in the band
but
she also had to wear something nice
we settled on a skirt and top
she felt comfortable
she looked darling
she even let me take some pictures

when they all lined up
and parades in
here was the speech said about her-

Kareb came to the Winston School in 10^th grade. She was instrumental in starting the band program with Mr Della Costa, and has been a percussionist for the last 6 years. She plays on the tennis team each spring.  She was inducted into the National Honor Society when she was a sophomore. She had lived behind Winston for 10 years before starting school, so now her daily commute is only a short walk.  Karen was honored when she was picked to represent the senior class in the homecoming court, also she was very surprised! She is very happy her family is here to celebrate with her. 

then everyone laughed
then everyone cheered

SHE WAS CROWNED AS HOMECOMING QUEEN

she laughs at me

because i have said i thought i heard voices

not that i didn't have trust in her

but 

we never thought she would really win

she was voted as queen by the entire upper school student body

never 

never in a million years

would that have happened anywhere else

her school is amazing

she is so confident

she is so honest

she is good 

she is fair

and she is a winner

we have all come a long way

and i am so happy

i can't believe it sometimes

pressure

kids today are under so much pressure
yes
i know
i was in high school
a loooong time ago
but i remember having fun
i made good enough grades
and good enough test scores
to go to a great college
where i also had fun

now
i see my own children
freaking out about making a B
and worse for a C
thank goodness i was not like that
but still
a few days ago
my middlest wouldn't go to school
she seemed sick
clammy
hot
chills
etc
my husband and i
told her to go back to bed

that afternoon
when she woke up
at 4 pm
she told me she was too scared to go
she was worried about a class
she was concerned about the work
she couldn't keep up
she was scared of her grades
and the teacher

uh oh
been there
done that
when the oldest felt like that
we knew she needed to get out
but
the middlest is different
she is stronger
she told us she would be good with whatever she got
but
she was lying to us
and herself
she is not good with C's
at this school

we went to talk to the head of upper school
she is only about a month into sophomore year
i want her out
now
not at the end of the semester
or the end of the year
i don't care about the money
i just want her happy

i am calling schools
talking to her
talking to her advisor
having her go to her therapist
again
she needs to make the decision
it is her life
but
i hate seeing her in pain
i hate seeing her down on herself
i hate hearing that she doesn't have time for a social life
that all she does is study
and then she is not content with the grades she is getting

i have seen these signs of depression before
and i don't want that to happen to our family again
we know the consequences
we know the feelings
we know we need to help her

public school
private school
jewish school
non denominational school

i don't care
i just want her happy
and feeling good about herself
and being happy with her life

that is all that matters to me
happy children
happy family
just need to get there

a time of renewal

the last 2 weeks
have been very comforting
in these days
we have celebrated
Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur
the jewish new year
and the day of atonement

every year
for 10 days
these High Holy Days happen
and every year
for the past
40 something years
i have gone to services
reflected
and made promises
yet
this year feels so different

when i think back to last year
at this time
i know i could barely
think past the following day
there were so many questions
so many fears
so much concern
i didn't know
if my oldest would be coming home soon
or if my two youngest
would even accept it

this year
i have shed many tears
but
this time
they have been of happiness
of joy
of relief
because not only
can i think past tomorrow
but we are
thinking of next year
when
hopefully
thoughtfully
our oldest
will be off to college
in a different state
with our blessing

this year
while sitting in services
i reflected on the past 365 days
i recounted joyous times
but
mostly
the threatening times
the times i yelled
the times i cursed
the times i go not go on
the fury i felt towards others
the jealousy i felt toward others
and
the hurt i felt
at many times
when i was misunderstood
or i
couldn't really express myself

today
i do feel renewed
i feel peace
released of burdens
releasing this hurt of others
i feel the forgiveness
and i have forgiven
most everyone
that hurt me

truth be told
my oldest said to me
that the ones who
are not atoning
and who hurt me and my family
will be harder to forgive
it made me feel better
because
until those certain people
at a school
i won't name right now
who hurt me
my youngest
and all of my family
still need to admit
their mistakes
but
i won't dwell on them
no
i can still pity them
and be concerned of them
and stay away from them

but the others
the family members
the friends
who may have hurt me
or my family members
when trying to show care
have been forgiven
letting go
and forgiveness
can be so
beautiful
it is a new feeling
that inspires me

the new year is upon us
may it be joyful
and precious
and bring relief
to other people now
because
we are feeling good now

that is reason enough to celebrate